There’s a reason I hate computer software that allows even the most untalented of people to create what they perceive to be music. Case in point: a 13-year-old junior high artist(e) by the name of Rebecca Black. With the help of the child exploitation gurus at Ark Music Factory, Black’s cheaply-produced music video for her nearly tone-deaf (thank goodness for Auto-Tune, eh?) monstrosity of a single, “Friday,” has gone viral since it appeared on YouTube in February.
The song is all about that final school/work day of the week, wherein everyone drops what they’re doing in order to have copious amounts of — as young Miss Black says — “fun, fun, fun, fun.” Throughout the video, Rebecca stares into the camera with an enticing “come wither” look: something that screams “OMG! I’m in front of a camera!!!1!1!” in the most bland, emotionless way possible (imagine a talent show at a Lutheran church and you’ve pretty much got “Friday”). Slurring her Rs like a coed after her eighth Long Island, l’il Rebecca delivers a bombardment of lyrics that range from asininely illiterate (“We, we, we so excited / We so excited / We gonna have a ball today”) to brainlessly informative (“Tomorrow is Saturday / and Sunday comes afterwards”).
Not since The Imperial Stars and their oh-so-magnificent “Traffic Jam 101” (and the hilariously-frivolous publicity stunt associated with it) has there been something so epically-awful, kids: I loved every generic beat and cat-strangling note to it!
And, if the image of an eighth-grader rollin’ round in a convertible with other 13-year-olds at the helm (!) saying how they’re going to do nothing but party all weekend long (Chuck E. Cheese is in for a slayin’ and there’s no two ways about it!) doesn’t have you reaching for Vicodin, wait ‘til you see the cameo by Ark Music Factory’s much older Usher impersonator, Pato — who drives around in his SUV, singing about the young, young Rebecca. It’s so disturbing, it’ll make you cringe even more than the insipidly-simplistic tune itself.
In short, if there’s going to be an award for the Worst New Artist(e) and/or Song of 2011, both Rebecca Black and her single “Friday” definitely deserve a heartfelt nomination…if not a big ugly trophy. And the fact that she’s received so much press (mostly negative, for some reason) since “Friday” debuted on February 10 (which, ironically, was a Thursday) just makes it all the more uproarious.
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