NORTH POLE – Rumors abound that BM Rant columnist Matthew Freelove has once again found himself firmly entrenched at the top of Santa Claus’ naughty list. If true, this would mark the 29th consecutive year that Freelove makes the cut for the world’s most famous “shitlist.”
Meanwhile, industry leaders have braced themselves for a coal shortage which would almost certainly result from the high quota needed to fill Freelove’s stocking.
“No pun intended, but we’ve been burned in the past when it comes to Matt,” said Preston James, CEO of the Scarsdale Coal Consortium. “Last year, after Santa placed Freelove’s coal order, there wasn’t enough left for any of the other naughty people in the world. We were completely tapped out. Christ, how can one person be so evil?”
Sources close to Freelove say that the self-described “agitator” was in rare form this past year, blatantly disregarding Santa’s heed of “you better be good for goodness sake.”
“Matt just recently converted to Judaism so that he could avoid buying Christmas presents for me,” said Freelove’s wife. “Need I say more?”
Even North Pole insiders can barely conceal their contempt for the man recently named People Magazine’s “Jerkiest Man Alive.”
“I can’t confirm or deny Freelove’s place on The List,” said Jingle the Spokes-Elf, citing a long-standing rule of silence initiated by Santa himself. “I can confirm that Matt is a Grade-A cock-knocker who hasn’t endeared himself to any of his friends or family this year, let alone Mr. Claus. Freelove will simply have to wait until Christmas morning to find out if he is truly an asshole, although my guess is that he already knows.”
When reached at his “fortress of solitude” in Pago Pago, Freelove expressed disbelief at his possible inclusion on the Naughty list.
“Just the other day, I saw a roach on my kitchen floor, and I truly debated whether I should step on it. Eventually I crushed it with my size 9s, but I was conflicted. What else does Santa want from me?”