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Free Charles Barkley!

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Want to know what I think about the Michael Phelps marijuana controversy? Give him three and a half years in prison, because that’s how long it will be before he’s interesting again.

Now to more important issues: Free Charles Barkley!

Look, I know that getting arrested driving drunk in search of a prostitute is 1000 times worse than hitting a bong at a frat party, but what needs to be factored in here is that Charles is about 10 million times more entertaining than Michael Phelps.

That moment where Phelps won the gold by a fingertip? Maybe that moment was as entertaining as say, perhaps any Thursday that the Chuckster stays in bed all day eating.

Some people hate it when celebrities get special treatment. “I can’t get liquored up and threaten the streets in my convertible looking for a way to pay money to cheat on my wife.”

No, you can’t. No one else can, except Charles Barkley. Nelson Mandela can’t. Barack Obama can’t. Rush Limbaugh can’t. Bill Clinton can’t even though I know that he wants to desperately.

Why? Because they are not Charles Barkley!

No one else alive gives me guaranteed joy, quite like The Round Mound of Rebound – so dude gets a pass. Get him back on TNT and get those T-Mobile ads back in rotation.

The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I love that commercial where Chuck yells, “Get me them socks!” enough that somehow the rest of my tragic life doesn’t seem nearly so dire anymore:

Yes. I’m saying it. Give me back the Black Rhino by the NBA All-Star Weekend or there will be bits and pieces of me all over the front walk of the Empire State Building!

Seriously, do you think Charles is taking this sabbatical to actually work on his life?
Take my word for it. He’s not in therapy. He’s not in couples counseling. He’s just taking a taxi to the night clubs for a while. He’s Charles freaking Barkley!

Let’s take a look back at how much joy the Lord has brought us since Charles Wade Barkley was born February 20, 1963.

1. Failed to make the legendary 1984 Olympic Squad, because he couldn’t stop making fun of Bobby Knight’s shoes.

2. Undefeated in bar fights, including one epic outing where he tossed a guy through a plate glass window.

3. First athlete smart enough to become a role model by saying, “I’m not a role model.”

4. Has always been the funniest and most honest man in the room.

5. Once turned to a friend during a press conference and said, “See why I hate white people!”

6. As member of the 1992 Dream Team, said, “I don’t know anything about Angola, but Angola’s in trouble.” Is then responsible for Angola’s one point during a 46-1 USA run, when he is assessed a technical foul for viciously elbowing a guy he outweighed by at least 80 pounds. Poses for photo with star struck player after game. Explains it as, “Eye for an eye. …It’s a ghetto thing. … I thought he might have a spear.”

7. As 1992 Dream Team hid in their expensive hotel suites, actually hangs out in the Olympic Village and parties with the Barcelona locals.

8. Said, “How can you vote for the Republicans? They’re just looking out for the rich people!” “Grandma, I AM rich.” Then realized it wasn’t worth it and backed Barack Obama.

9. Whenever an athlete like John Daly reveals that he is a problem drinker and gambler, Charles is the first man to the dais to say, “Me too!” Explains it as, “Do I have a gambling problem? I do have a gambling problem, but it’s not really a problem because I can afford to gamble.”

10. Once said, “If you go out with a girl and they say she has a great personality, she’s ugly. If they tell you a guy works hard, he can’t play a lick. Same thing.”

11. Was once so impressed with a mascot’s mini-trampoline act that he ran over to try it himself before being stopped by teammates who knew that having Charles break his neck during halftime wouldn’t help the team.

12. If Charles doesn’t say something hilarious, someone will say something hilarious about Charles that is more than likely 100% true.

13. About 80,000 other infinitely entertaining statements or incidents that any idiot with decent Google or YouTube skills can run down anytime they are feeling sad and blue!

Let’s be fair. Charles did once accidentally spit on a little girl. It’s the one thing that he will admit to regretting, but he then befriended the girl and routinely left her courtside seats. Chuck, over here – spit on me! We’ll keep it just between us!

Look, we all know that Charles never prepares for his broadcasts. I’m never really even sure if he’s paying any attention to the game he’s commenting on. Every halftime show sounds like this:

Ernie Johnson: Welcome. We’re at the half in New York and the Knicks are trailing Cleveland 64-50. Kenny what do the Knicks have to do in the second half to get back in this game?

Kenny Smith: Well, the Knicks have been trying to contain LeBron James with a modified box and one defense, but they are failing to rotate adequately when the Cleveland big men come up top to set picks for him. Also, their offense has become stagnant, and they have so far failed to get their fast break in gear.

Ernie Johnson: Charles, what do you think?

Charles Barkley: They should pray, because the Knicks are terrible!

Best analyst ever!

I don’t care if Charles Barkley drinks and gambles during TNT’s broadcasts! Get me my Charles Barkley and make sure that Dwyane Wade gets the man his socks!

The previous essay should not be taken as an endorsement of drunk driving, which is why I am now calling upon President Obama to push a law through Congress ensuring that Charles Barkley always has a limousine waiting for him at all times.

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