After the wacky trials involving O.J. Simpson in the '90s, the family of Ron Goldman basically owned the former NFL running back, namely after that civil trial. If he finds a shiny penny on the sidewalk, a lawyer comes whirring by the street corner, snaps it from O.J.'s grasp, and — since this is my fantasy — makes the "yoink!" sound as he deposits it in the Goldman family account.
The latest pile of wrongful death cash in the Goldman estate comes via a ruling that Simpson has to forfeit his earnings from a video game featuring his likeness. I missed the story the first time, but, in the aforementioned game, he plays a fictional team called The Assassins, but that's just a minor hilarious detail.
Last week Simpson had to hand over the rights to his defunct book If I Did It — boy, wasn't that a good idea for a book? — and this week he can't even make an honest buck posing as a video game sprite. This guy can't live on his NFL pension forever (I hear NFL union head Gene Upshaw will be trading the league's dental plan for a keg of beer), hence the book and video game endeavors.
Seriously, get this guy some kind of cash flow before the stabby urges resume. Even though he said he'd never honor the decision from the civil suit, it's clear he needs some money. Or maybe he just needs to hide his earnings better from the lawyers. Rather than keep the money in a sack with a dollar sign on it, try stuffing it in a burlap sack with the words "ONION SKINS." Even if they had some net worth in a court of law, I'd certainly not want to have a sack of onion skins in my house. Even lawyers would have to concur.