The current season of The Bachelorette took a fiery sidestep last Monday and aired an interview with last season's Bachelor, Jake. Known from the TV show The Bachelor, he appeared with the winner Vienna to discuss their highly publicized breakup. The interview looked like therapy gone wild. Vienna stated she never felt like she was loved or supported and Jake showed he lacks relationship skills. He is judgmental, without identity, condescending, and unsupportive. He has miles to go to be in a healthy relationship.
I've been married for eight years. It's been some work but the dividends far outweigh the effort. As for me, I say it's impossible to have a healthy relationship when you act as Jake does in this interview. If you haven't yet seen it, you might go watch it before we start a dialog. I am aware there is a "Team Jake" out there.
Jake's first flaw is being judgmental. I see this in the interview when he says, "I am so disgusted with you." This is cold in an off-screen relationship, but releasing such a word of abhorrence for her on television shows that he is lacking self-control and tact. Furthermore, when you are married you are concerned with solving things. If you don't want a divorce, or worse, a life of living with someone uncomfortably, you strive to listen in a relationship. When something is "disgusting" to you, you either remain silent or wait to get all the facts. Doing that on national TV, he might as well have put a bag over her head. When I heard him say that, I knew right away we were dealing with a guy who had a lot of growing up to do before he could handle a healthy relationship.
Jake's second flaw is his identity crisis. I see this when Vienna talks about the impression he created of being a pilot. She came to immediately find out he was more interested in being an L.A. Hollywood star. She says he would do Dancing With the Stars all day and at night go straight to his Twitter. I am sure celebs get far more adoring Tweeps following them than the average users such as myself. He ate up the attention. Jake wasn't sure who he was before the show and clearly this hindered his ability to communicate with his serious relationship partner. I think it is crucial for a self-actualized person to know who they are and what they want, and they should verbalize it to their partner.
Jake's third flaw is his condescending attitude and tone toward his partner. At the height of their bickering he has the gall to say, "Baby, be quiet when you're talking to me." We see Jake here as smug and stuck on himself. He doesn't want his partner to think she is equal with him. There is nothing wrong with using the term "baby," but when it is used at the height of argument only to be followed by insult? That's an immature man who knows little about a woman's need to be heard and validated.
Finally, Jake's self-centered attitude makes him appear lousy at relationships. You cannot be self-centered and have a successful relationship. Before I saw this episode, I thought this was common knowledge. Apparently not. She says he stopped kissing her and she didn't know why. Jake had this reply: "What man in America would ever want to be intimate with a woman that undermines him, emasculates him, and doesn't respect …" Then when she tries to clarify he says, "You're interrupting me, [that is disrespectful]." Jake appears as one of the most self-centered guys I have ever seen.
In conclusion, since there may be arguments as to who was right etc., I hold that Jake is not ready for a relationship because he is judgmental of Vienna, he lacks a vocational and psychological identity, he's condescending, and he's self-centered. I hope Jake stops pointing the finger at Vienna and somehow realizes he must suffer a little to learn about women and the needs they have in a marriage. Chances are he won't; after all, the entire show fed his ego so much, I wonder if he will ever be able to drag it off the couch.