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For the love of god

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Someone — anyone — please help out here:

Buoyed by the success of last week’s ABC variety show, The Nick & Jessica Variety Hour, the camera-friendly pair is set to return for a Christmas special.

…Also on the horizon for TV’s most goofily endearing (or is it annoying?) couple:

  • A new season of MTV’s Newlyweds is set to debut in June. The Lacheys just wrapped the second season of their dysfunctional domestic reality series.
  • Last fall, Jessica inked a solo sitcom deal with the Alphabet net. (The show’s currently in development.)
  • Nick recently signed his own deal with ABC, snagging a role in a sitcom pilot starring Gina Gershon called Hot Mom.
  • She’s considering possible roles in The Dukes of Hazzard, I Dream of Jeannie and Marvel’s Mort, the Dead Teenager.
  • He’s considering running for mayor of Cincinnati, where he grew up. The job, once held by TV talker Jerry Springer, “would be an interesting role to play,” Lachey told People magazine.

There must be an end to this madness. Use of claymore mines are hereby offically authorized.

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