For One Idol Hopeful, There’s No Place BUT Home
Chapter 8: The Wizard of Odd
By: The Raging Critic
“For nearly three years this story has given faithful service to the Young in Heart; and Time has been powerless to put its kindly philosophy out of fashion. To those of you who have been faithful to it in return…and to the Young in Heart… I dedicate this review.”
Yippeeeee. Tonight is a night of pure love and joy. The show had 24 million calls last night – the audience is holding neon colored signs all over the place – and Ryan Seacrest is simply mad about all of the glitter again! Wait a minute???? Wasn’t Elton in Vega$ last night???
He introduces the judges and tells America that he is sick and tired of their beading eyes glaring at him across the stage. UM HELLLOOOO! Can we say D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N-S of P-E-R-S-E-C-U-T-I-O-N???? Someone please get Ryan a therapist. The last time he got insecure they booted his co-host of the show the following season! Or, that’s at least what half of America thinks.
The show gets down and dirty in a jiffy and our hostess with the mostess is interviewing our contestants. John Peter Ingalls Wilder is wearing a t-shirt that says “treasure hunter.” Apparently, he is not too confident that he will win this gig, so treasure hunting has become “Plan B.” Fantasia is flapping her monstrous mouth all about and tells America that Simon was sleepy last night. Yes Fantasia – and so was half of America after sitting through three snor-ific performances last night!!!! Camile wanted to send daddy birthday wishes. Hopefully, America can send you off with a one-way ticket to Japan tonight and you can tell him face to face!!!!!!!! Opie seems to thing he is one red hot number, while Jasmine and Diana are begging America for pity as they apparently have a really bad case of NERVOUSITIS. LaToya then tells America that she would have no shame singing at weddings. GAAAAASP! My mind then started racing. LATOYA – WILL YOU SING AT MY WEDDING???????
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I got on the phone and started making the calls. I called and booked a date with the Metropolitan Community Church. I got the photographer all squared away for a dynamite photo shoot (HERB RITZ – OF COURSE). Abel could be our DJ and Power Infinity could be the flower girl. Oh – and we could have the reception at the beautiful Vizcaya on the banks of the Biscayne Bay! OHHHH how lovely it would be!
And then I realized that I was merely daydreaming. After all, I am not allowed to get married in this country. Apparently, some former cocaine addict supposedly has a better sense of “family values” than me. Oh well. Maybe LaToya would settle for a cold, boring, and lifeless civil union ceremony???? I guess I’ll just have to ask her after she becomes a singing sensation.
I thought to myself, “Oh the misery of this world – Oh how I wish I could escape from reality. I feel trapped inside a world only comprised of black and white. Gimme some color damnit!!!!”
Before my dream sequence could get any more controversial, the producers then shove the finalists new CD right into our faces. It whisked past my screen like a cyclone. The next thing I know, I land smack dab in the middle of a Technicolor world – one filled with hopes and dreams. Toto, I don’t think we are in Kansas anymore. That’s right, I was back in American Idol Land again! Weeeeeeeeeee!
And then wallah! The American Idol finalists were onstage doing their big medley performance. J-Hud’s eyes were blowing out of her skull. Diana looked like she stole Mariah Carey’s look right from the very pages of the “Glitter” dress rehearsal room. LaToya looked like she was three feet tall. Heck, she might even be too short to join the Lollypop Guild. The group then started singing “Benny and the Jets” as if it were the Cell Block Tango. Can we say – Lipshits??? The three men then come out while singing “Daniel” and the choreography practically scared the living daylights out of me. They closed out the number singing “Saturday Saturday Saturday” in a scene quite reminiscent of my old days touring with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. WEIRD!
It only got worse from there though. The contestants were sent on their annual fieldtrip to get a taste of stardom. They traveled all over the red carpets of Los Angeles and got to hang out with the Olsen twins, Nickelodeon, and Jennifer Love Hewitt. They even got to have a race to the center of the stage at some ignoramous awards show for kids. PEOPLE – THIS was simply too horrifying for words! The Olsen twins?????? Nickelodeon??????? Jennifer Love Hewitt?????? I mean, was this American Idol or was this the 700 Club?????
Tamyra Gray (the good witch from season one) then materialized and delivered her very own composition. It was called “Raindrops Will Fall.” Tamyra started the song off and it sounded okay at first. Unfortunately though, she did not hit the high notes. I was actually a bit embarrassed for her – but not because of her singing, but because of her songwriting. I mean – what was that thing??? She would have been better off singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” just like she did last year.
And then, without warning, the Wicked Witch of Season Two appeared right before my very eyes. OH NO! It’s JULIA DEMATO AGAIN! EEEEEEEEEEK! She shocked the world when she revealed that she would be releasing a single soon. And then suddenly, a big double-wide trailer came crashing down on top of her (I think it was Carmen’s). I bent over and snatched her DJ Ruby Rhod slippers. I placed them on my feet and started parading around my living room – - – - Folks, we’re off to see the wizard!
I’m just hoping it isn’t the Imperial Wizard?!?!?!?! Wouldn’t that suck!
By the way, Seacrest tells us that he is going to do something different tonight. Instead of giving us the bottom three, he is going to separate the group into a top three, middle three, and bottom three. OOOOOH HOW INTERESTING!
We then started our journey down the proverbial yellow brick road. In a nutshell, Seacrest then divided up the contestants into three groups:
Group A (Scarecrow) – Jasmine, Diana, Camile
Group B (Tin Man) John Peter, Opie, Fantasia
Group C (Cowardly Lion) J-Hud, LaToya, George
Sooooooooooooo, my pretties, I look into my crystal ball and see that Diana and the two hula hulas are going to boil in the pot tonight.
The other six then wandered back over to the sofas and it was time to find out who gets sent back to Kansas.
Diana was given the key to the shelter, which left us with the two Hawaiian Wahines. Jasmine started squealing. She was terrified of the thought of losing this battle. Not only would she not be the American Idol, but she would also be the runner up to Ms. Hawaiian Idol. She ripped the flower out of her hair and threw it across the stage to distract Camile. I guess sheep like eating plants??? Jasmine then reached for the closest bucket of water and threw it all over Camile.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Camile started screaming. “I’m melting!!!!! I’m meeeeeltiiiiiiiiing!”
Camile Velasco – - – say goodbye to the yellow brick road because you have been eliminated!
I then leaped from my couch and almost tripped (those damned ruby slippers) from excitement. I began dancing and singing like a munchkin…..
And a couple of tra – la – las
That’s how we laugh the day away
In the Merry Old Land of Oz…”
I then ran across my room and flicked off the television set. I clicked my heels three times and started saying,
“there’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home.”
[After repeating the magical phrase, this review fades out on my radiant face]
CU Next Tuesday!
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