Home / First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jessica Simpson Makes Britney Spears Look Like an Intelligent Mommy

First Sign of the Apocalypse: Jessica Simpson Makes Britney Spears Look Like an Intelligent Mommy

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Backstage at her hosting gig at the Teen Choice Awards, Jessica Simpson innocently asked a heavily pregnant Britney Spears if she could kiss her belly.

“Hell no!” was Britney’s reply. Simpson is said to have been “really insulted” at the denial.

A little background on the writer here. I do not currently have any children, and have not impregnated any ladies in my lifetime. So, I can only speak as a middle-aged male who has been witness to such requests upon friend’s pregnant bellies.

jessica-simpson-picsCheers to Britney Spears! For the love of Sidney Poitier, what was Simpson thinking? If these two were the best of friends and they were at home, this might be an okay request, but you don’t go around kissing acquaintances' bellies – even if they are nice and round. That’s beyond rude and yet not all that uncommon.

From time to time, friends of mine find themselves with a belly full of baby, and it is amazing to see how many complete strangers approach them asking to feel the belly (no one has had the gall to ask for a kiss, but copping a feel is still pretty danged intimate). I get the miracle of life and all, but if you don’t know the belly, stay away! Heck, even if you know the belly fairly well, don’t come knocking unless you’ve been invited.

Perhaps Simpson, feeling a little Japanese, was simply too stimulated by the pregnant belly. The belly kiss denial comes 2006-06-28T235541Z_01_NOOTR_RTRIDSP_2_OUKEN-UK-SPEARSjust after Tokyo censors deemed Spear’s August cover photo for Harper’s Bazaar okay to display as advertisements in the subway.

The photo, showing a nude and still heavily pregnant Spears was originally deemed too stimulating by officials. With legs crossed and arms covering her breasts it does not actually show her goodies, but officials still decided to censor the image from below her elbows. The censored image was to then have a note stating "We apologise for hiding part of a beautiful image of a mother-to-be." That is, until officials changed their minds. Finally getting it, or losing their mind after being overly stimulated, Tokyo officials announced they would allow the image as is – noting they understood the publishers' intention was to display a happy mother, and not to sexually stimulate.

So, perhaps Simpson was just stimulated by the beautiful miracle of a belly and simply had to kiss it.

If you’re not buying the stimulated story, would you at least accept that Simpson was feeling a little awkward and downtrodden, and just needed a little Spears belly love? nick_lachey_150Simpson's ex, Nich Lachey, picked up an award at the Teen Choice ceremony for his love song, “What’s Left of Me,” which is about Simpson.

The two tried hard not cross each other’s lines, but bumped into each other backstage. It is reported they both looked at each other briefly before walking away quickly. Simpson then “freaked out” and had to be fanned by her hairdresser.

So see, there is the pressure of hosting a national awards show and an ex-husband wandering around – who can blame Jessica Simpson for wanting a little stimulating belly love?

Me for one, and Britney Spears, and anyone else whose ever had a stranger ask to kiss their belly. Seriously, Jessica, the next time you see a stimulating pregnant belly, smile politely and pretend it is Nick Lachey. Oh, and keep your hair dresser nearby with a fan.

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About Mat Brewster

  • Funny, funny stuff, Mat. Made me laugh!

  • Don’t you think Britney’s belly is essentially public property? After all, the contents will be wards of the state soon enough.


  • Sir Brewster, splendid work here.

    I am with you… it is bad form to ask to kiss an acquaintance’s belly. Britney made a good decision… alert the world!

  • Ally

    Hey, does anyone have a clip of this? I didn’t get to see it . . .

  • I am now complete, I made Phillip Winn laugh.

    Dave, according to the restraining order I’m not allowed within 500 feet of Britney’s belly. But that’s just me.

    Not only do moron strangers want to kiss bellies, but jesum, they want to hold the little tikes once they’ve come out. Why in the world would a mother want a perfect stranger to hold their child?

    Ally, which clip? Simpson asking to kiss the belly? I don’t think that exists.

  • Penny Hammack

    As a senior I can remember when we did our best to hide our impending motherhood. I will be much put out if my daughter shows up with a form fitting outfit with her belly button pushing out. Lets hear it for the good old days.

  • nana

    I hate when people just touch your belly when you pregnanat!!!! A kiss… hellooooo. What a stupid !@#$%

  • charlieque

    Is it so bad that Jessica wanted to make out with Britney’s unborn baby? I think that Britney over-reacted.

  • cindy hoyt

    Don’t put yourself in the same vein as Jessica and Britney… It is Sidney Poitier, not Portier.

  • Dawn

    Nice job Mat!!! Although I think it speaks volumes about Britney and what a psychotic insecure bitch she’s become. Poor Jessica, it’s not her fault she’s a dim bulb.

  • High praise coming from the master. Thanks Dawn.

    And thanks for the comments all.

  • ?m?

    Well i think that Britney should have let Jessica kiss her belly. Whats so wrong with that?? And even if she did not want her to she could have been a little more polite!!! Not a HELL NO!!! So i take Jessicas side on this!!! And i think Britney should feel pretty damn embarassed!!!

  • DD

    You wanna know what i think…..

    i think that this is pretty stupid!!!!
    If this were to happen to a regual person, would they made a big deal about it??? No, jusy because its a celebrity doesnt make it anymore SPECIAL

  • Linda

    Yeah…I had just that happen to me…a woman wanted to pat my pregnant belly…but I went ahead and let her. It was MUCH easier than telling her I wasn’t preggers…just chubby! 😉 (true story..happened in an elevator) Talk about EMBARRASSED…I’ve since lost the weight!

  • Patricia

    I think Jessica was just trying to be friendly… after all, Britney Spears could use some semi-positive spot light!! The “hell no” is just Britney’s new attitude she aquired when she married her husband. I take Jessica’s side (well I’ll always take her side…).

  • Yolonda

    Well, speaking as a former pregnant woman, I did not like it when complete strangers or even friends and family just though it was alright to touch my stomach. It is a part of my body and just like I would not want you to walk up and touch my breast or my rear end, I did not want people to feel like my belly was fair game either. Also, I do believe if anyone other than my husband asked to kiss my pregnant belly, they probably would have received a comment an answer filled with a few more curse words other than the word hell Jessica Simpson or not.

  • Kim

    I have to agree with Ally has anyone seen a clip and if in fact there is not a clip (proof) then therefore there is no story! i think it is wrong how people judge celebrities like they know them or something when they don’t! Plus celebrities are people too just like we don’t want people in our buisness they don’t want people in their buisness telling them what they can and can’t do!!!!!
    P.S. a wise person once said:

  • Joy

    That’s “HALF of what you see and none of what you hear”

  • Uggg….so sad!

    Come on……….. ok, anyone who decides that their beloved bump and black rat’s nest hair should grace the cover of one the worlds most famous fashion magazine’s is just screaming for all sorts of public adoration/scrutiny!!!
    Where Jessica’s good judgement failed her was not thinking of the funky trailer park “mouth fungus” she probably would have picked up from her “girl on girl” belly action!


    Jessica asking Britney to kiss her beautiful belly does not insult her intelligence, it just shows what an innocent and sweet girl she still is. I think it’s nice she likes Britney who most would see as major compitition. I love both singers but I think it’s Britney who came off looking bad for such an abrupt and nasty responce. It would have been a normal responce to a stranger, but I think Jessica is such a nice girl she should get a polite brush-off. At least Jessica was smart enough to ask first.

  • The_Dude

    She aught to know by now that pregoes are like pit bulls – really cute and cuddly until they decide to feel affronted.

  • Ty

    I agree with Steve, I think Jessica is a very sweet girl that meant nothing but kindness, it’s Britney that has become major white trash!!!!

  • ugoogly01

    gimme a break
    britney is a skank anyway
    I feel bad for the kid
    maybe Jessica isnt stupid enough to hold a kid in the front seat of a car while driving or practically drop a kid on its head
    so she asked to kiss her belly big deal

  • Danny

    Mat….How about doing something positive, practical, helpful, and/or educational instead of a gossip coumn. Finding fault in others and trying to tear them down or belittle them does nothing but create problems and hurt people. Perhaps you could try to help society with your journalism!?

  • Philly

    Isn’t the preggers Britney cover just a knock off of like the Demi Moore or whoever cover from a while back?

  • don

    Now if madonna had asked it might have been a
    different story.

  • FrogPrincess

    I don’t understand how you can grace the cover of a magazine completely nude and make such a big deal over an innocent baby belly kiss????

  • jesstb

    Britney did good. She isn’t a fav. of mine, but I have to agree that she made the right decision. I idn’t want anyone kissing my belly when I was pregnant with either of my 2 daughters. So I say “GO BRITNEY!!!” About her cover on the magazine….I don’t see why other’s make a big deal out of it. There have been tons of pregnant celebs that have posed “nude” on a magazine cover and nothing bad was ever said about them doing it. I say everyone should just lay off of Britney and let her be. If you are going to judge her for a mag. cover, then you have to judge the others that have posed nude while pregnant. I honestly can’t stand her, but she is always followed by camera, reporters which is nerve racking to anyone. I do believe she is trying to be a good mom, just reporters twist the truth a little. (sometimes). They get in her way and that is what made her trip with her baby. If you have seen that video, which i have, you can see they are crowding her in a dangerous way. She even commented that she needed a gun. So reporters need to learn respect.

  • jamie

    Britney just overreacted, duh. Jessica is a thousand times more lovable than Britney is, maybe that’s why she’s bitter! Haha! I think it was sweet of Jessica to want to kiss Britney’s belly (if this is true), considering that the latter is competition and all, so Britney should loosen up and get a life.

  • cali

    um… britney didn’t seem to mind madonna shoving her tongue down her throat on national television, but didn’t want jessica to kiss her belly?!

    i guess she didn’t want any class to rub off on her and her offspring. she likes to keep it strictly trailer trash, as you can see by the father she chose for her children.

  • More on Jessica Simpson

  • christine

    i think jessica did nothing wrong for crying out loud shes know the britsters since they were both kids. they may not be the best of friends but i think the denial comes from competition not motherliness. ive had kids and heck its ok. its for the afection of the bby inside. how rude was brit! and even if she didnt want her baby belly kissed um a politer answer could have been given! Jess-you can kiss my prego belly anytime!!!

  • Julia

    I’ve seen the “before- photoshop” pics (seriously, I have a close friend who works as an assistant- animation/ photography editor for the company Bazzar uses to edit photos) of Britney’s nudes, & they’re quite a bit different than the pics that they printed! Her belly looks so stretched- out & disfigured, it’s shocking to think she’d agree to have herself photographed at all. I’m guessing that she only said yes, after knowing they’d be altered. Maybe that’s why she reacted so harshly to Simpson??

  • I get the miracle of life and all, but if you don’t know the belly, stay away! Heck, even if you know the belly fairly well, don’t come knocking unless you’ve been invited.

    LOL, that made me laugh and that’s bad because it’s 4am and I could of woken someone up, I should learn to stop reading silly celeb gossip this early in the morning. (damn you insomnia!)

    Great story though matt

  • Jesus

    Is this Mat person a journalist, or does he consider himself one? If so, he needs to learn how to use an apostrophe.

  • whitney

    ive been a fan of them since they both came out and now im around the ages they were when they came out, and even though im not pregnant and have no children, if it were an aquaintance, friend, etc…and we both liked eachother and the person didn’t act all fake when they asked to kiss my belly , i’d probably let them i mean who cares..they arent asking to lick it or deliver the baby for you…britney could’ve been nicer …and she knows jessica is nice like that..oh well..

  • I think jessica and nick need to get back and have their own baby I think jessica is sorry for letting nick go and would really make him agood wife and he could kiss all over her pregnant belly so nick stop playing hard to get and call jessica and get on with your life and show daddy joe who runs this .

  • sam n kd

    hey this is sam lol im doin a report on u
    lol ur a good singer
    sam and kd

  • kd and sam and sara

    so how is it is it going anything new going on at all just mail back

  • I would like to fuck jessica how many boys dose

  • there both beautiful women you could only fanaticize about!! execpt it and get a fucking LIFE!!!!!!



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