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Fellow Citizens, Now is the Time for Grace and Magnanimity

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I, even as a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth, knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, Attila the Hun reactionary, arch-conservative with at least three or more extra “Y” chromosomes, must refrain form gloating and “rubbing it in” in any manner whatsoever, or declaiming “I told you so!”

No, I must be above all that sort of shallow pettiness and show a great deal of humility, grace, and magnanimity, even if I am mightily tempted with a great deal of false humility and factitious insincerity, and ersatz grace and phony magnanimity, to do otherwise.

No! We must now all unite to save our great nation from this prototypical liberal socialist, this professorial, highly pedantic Neo-Marxist and glib and rather sophistic New Age Marxist, with his highly destructive presidency. Sorry ’bout that, jess couldn’t help myself.

Nevertheless I and my ilk must reach out to him and our fellow Americans and cast aside the considerable philosophic and polemical differences which divide us so greatly.

For now is the time for us not to speak out in tongues of bitter recrimination, but instead, like Polonius to Hamlet, to speak in tongues of saccharine and syrupy sweet platitudes, and likewise whisper empty platitudes of nothingness into each others’ ears.

Aren’t I…aren’t i…so nice?! In fact, aren’t I just too, too, too decent, enlightened, rational and reasonable for my own good? Aren’t I…aren’t I…just simply too liberal?

Well, barf puke…I lied! So sue me. For now is truly the time for gloating, for deep, deep, deep, profoundly irritating and annoying, grating and irksome gloating! And yeah I told you bums so and I ain’t sorry ’bout nothin’ neither. So go pound sand and eat my foul, disgusting, sordid, dirty and slimy shorts too!

Cause we won, we won, we won! You liberal, commie-lib, commie-symp jack wads. And so here’s a sincerely humble and deeply heartfelt – nah-nah-neh-nah-nahh! And a raaaazzzzz to boot, etc., ad infinitum.

But seriously what now?

Well Lucy, we got us a lot of “gub-born-ning” to do.

But how so?

Well to begin with, as I view it, the “proverbial dog” which chased the “proverbial auto” down the “proverbial street” has not only caught up with it, but has also captured it too. But only partially so.

Because we’ve only taken over one third of the driver’s seat and now we’ve got two “back-seat drivers” – the one sitting beside us with one hand on the steering wheel, still so very ideological and intransigently so; and the other in the actual backseat only slightly chastened, but I assure you dear readers, so very ready to yammer bitterly and meddle into good governance irrespective of the nation’s needs and priorities.

These two might be assigned, the one to most annoying backseat driver-in-chief status, the other to just annoying; but they’ll both be bitching and moaning, carping, complaining and kvetching all the way on an ostensibly rather long drive – all while they’re sitting right next to us.

Well what to do? I really dunno.

But stay tuned mes amis and buen amigos, cause this is gonna be one hell of a bumpy ride. So put your seat belts on and brace yourselves for the next two years – cause yah ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

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About Irvin F. Cohen

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    Again BC’s vaunted “editors” have let us down.

    Corrections:

    refrain form (page 1)
    should be
    refrain from

    seat belts (page 2)
    should be
    seatbelts

    As I keep pointing out, if Blogcritics had some decent editors, such amateurish mistakes could be avoided.

  • Irvin F Cohen

    “refrain form”…yes good catch Kurtz, obvious typo, letter transpositional error…I actually meant “from”

    And as for “seat belts” instead of seatbelts according to my computer the latter is actually unacceptable, so no Kurtz not an amateurish error and as much as I would like to fault comrade commie-lib editor Sobel for any goddamn thing imaginable, he’s not wrong on this one…you goddamn petty, irksome commie-lib, commie-symp Jack wad!

    But what you missed entirely, you exceedingly damn petty wannabe editor, which is more important than your petty kvetching, that the sentence “But seriously what now?” was originally written “but serially” and purposefully so. Here the editor simply did not get the joke. Get it, “serially” instead of “seriously.” I have used this worthless joke or pun before, sometimes with the word “cereally” which is a lot less difficult to confuse with the word “seriously.”

    So again, you’re good at the petty sniping, but godawful lousy on the bigger issues – as usual. And oh by the way, did you have any meaningful comment about the piece? I know that’s asking a lot, but what the heck, I’m just a glutton for punishment.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    Did you have any meaningful comment about the piece? I know that’s asking a lot …

    You’re right, Sarge. That’s asking a lot. How can one have any meaningful comment about two pages of “deep, deep, deep, profoundly irritating and annoying, grating and irksome gloating?” Your blogs come complete with their very own built-in rebuttals and putdowns, each far more artfully rendered than anything I or other mere mortals might presumptuously contrive.

  • Clavos

    dictionarydotcom lists seat belt as two words as well, Al.

    …you exceedingly damn petty wannabe editor…

    Quoted for Truth.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    Read on Clavos. That same online source also lists “seatbelt” (one word) as acceptable, although I concede that “seat belt” (two words) is the preferrred form.

  • Irvin F. Cohen

    Dear comrade KURTZ, may I, in the greatest humility thank and praise Clavos for his accurate and precise, rather insightful input here, and conversely may I, well, simply say to you…ha, ha, ha, and nah-neh-nah-nahh…I was right, maternal fornicator, and you was wrong as usual, as in every fornicating instance! So, nah-neh-nah-nahhh!
    And again, so very much deservedly-so, you celestial, supreme being, anal aperture.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    And please note, Irvin and Clavos, there is a difference between a “wannabe editor” and a reader who merely wants BC’s editors to do a better job.

  • Irvin F. Cohen

    Lame, comrade Kurtz…lame.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    Careful, Sarge. Anyone who thinks it’s clever to write “But serially what now?” probably ought to think twice before calling someone else “lame.”

  • Irvin F. Cohen

    First off # 16 was in response to # 13.

    Secondly, in pre-emption to the previously referenced asshole, if he wants to be really clever and point out his superior editing skills, then he will notice that in # 16, I used a noun as a verb, where the verb would have sufficed, in fact have been more grammatically and stylistically pure.

    “Like someone I reference”…should read…”refer to.” Or, “make reference to…”

    And yes this would have meant ending a sentence with a preposition. Well, in the tradition of Churchill – BFD (big fucking deal, or BFW, big fucking whupp-dee-do too).

  • Irvin F. Cohen

    In # 18, make that Winston Churchill.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    Really? I thought you meant Ward Churchill, you irksome commie-lib, commie-symp Jack wad!

  • Jordan Richardson

    Contrary to the likes of Jordan Richardson who accuse people of using a strawman argument if and only if he deems them deficient, which is to say, not being aware they’re doing so, this here is an application of the selfsame principle in the positive.

    Ooooookay…

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    In my 12-month Blogcritics experience, copy editors don’t make the call as to whether or not an article “is bereft of any message worth salvaging.” That’s left to the executive editor(s). Whenever an executive editor rejects one of my submissions (as has happened on more than one occasion), I don’t argue. Not one peep. It’s their prerogative.

    On the other hand, whenever an incompetent copy editor such as Carlos screws up my prose, such as by stupidly insisting that the salutation “Mr. President” must be rendered as “Mr. president” (lowercase “p”), then I reserve the right to complain from now until doomsday, and to point out mistakes in any other writer’s article (such as this one by Irvin) where I detect Carlos’s inept hand.

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/an roger nowosielski

    Technorati is all about making money, garbage in, garbage out. There are no standards when it comes to this democratic medium known as Blogcritics. Consequently, it’s not the “fallen angel” or her eventual replacement who give a damn as long as there’s money to be made. Those decisions have got to be made be people on the ground, like Nalle and the fictional Carlos. And I don’t envy either of them, bucking an essentially corrupt, self-serving and exploitative4 organization.

    As I communicated to you before, we’re all suckers for lending our creative talents for the limit3ed exposure we get – it ain’t worth it – and then, only to be barraged by comments editors. If you want a perfect formula for masochism, join the Blogcritics. That ought to have been Olsen’s perfect adieu, the ex-hippie-turned big time capitalist. So why do you give a fuck unless you want to turn this corrupt organization around?

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    We’re all suckers for lending our creative talents for the limited exposure we get – it ain’t worth it.

    I agree wholeheartedly that anyone doing this for exposure is a sucker. However, there are other reasons to engage the Blogcritics community. I for one find it stimulating. Maybe you don’t, or maybe you once did but the thrill is gone. For me, exchanging thoughts with bright people, even those who hate my guts, is fun. And fun is its own reward.

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/an roger nowosielski

    So is virtue. And I try to say virtuous.

  • Jordan Richardson

    This incessant whining over a website is getting ridiculous. Nobody’s forcing anyone to continue participating in comments discussions or anything else, you know?

    And if you think the comments editing here is bad, I suggest you check out some other sites online. Plenty of other similar sites do far, far worse when it comes to quality control of the articles, “editing” and policing the comments. What I see here is honestly not all that bad by comparison.

    Yes, it could be better. But do you have to be so fucking dramatic about it? The “fallen angel?” A “corrupt, self-serving and exploitative organization?” The “ex-hippie turned big time capitalist?” “Masochism?”

    What the hell is wrong with you? And don’t give me any of this “selfsame principle application” bullshit or some sort of “I’m doing a thought experiment by purposely missing the point” nonsense you always pull.

    Enough is enough. You can lie about me to make some sort of larger point only you understand and you can bitch about a website on the internet as long as you want, but when does it end? When do you just decide that maybe, just maybe, there are other uses for your time? If you hate it here SO much, Roger, what’s keeping you here? Crash another Camaro? Cats stopped listening to your empty-bathrobe philosophies?

    Give me a break.

    This is like watching two old farts complain about the price of coffee at McDonald’s. It’s getting older and staler by the second.

  • Jordan Richardson

    I agree wholeheartedly that anyone doing this for exposure is a sucker

    That all depends on what you’re writing (and why you’re writing). Obviously the politics section is like its own little idiotic bubble, but my writing has shown up in places (artist websites, etc.) that it NEVER would have before had I not been able to join this community and grow with it. I’m sure MANY other writers here feel the same way.

    Don’t confuse slogging it out in the politics and culture sections for the entirety of Blogcritics. Exposure comes with the territory and subjecting your writing to a vast audience is never a bad thing if you’re even slightly serious about it.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    I’m glad you brought up the price of coffee at McDonald’s (#35). It really is an outrage! If they’d serve me at Starbucks, I’d take my business there. But the manager is a part-time Blogcritics editor and won’t let me in the door.

  • Arch Conservative

    You’re the one distracting from the writer’s message Alan.

    Most of us are guilty of committing the occasional grammatical error once in awhile, and willing to overlook it when others do so. But not you. It seems that you live to “distract from the author’s message,” with your petty, tiresome annoying henpecking.

  • Jordan Richardson

    I hear Burger King is offering free coffee every Friday morning in November. No purchase necessary, offer valid only during breakfast hours, etc. Mmm Burger King.

  • Jordan Richardson

    Arch Conservative is right.

    *ducks*

  • Arch Conservative

    I forgot the comma after tiresome.

    Give it to me Alan. Don’t hold back.

  • Arch Conservative

    Excuse me but I just saw a pig fly by my office window.

    Be right back……………..

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    Burger King! Free coffee! Every Friday morning in November! Thanks for the tip. There’s a Burger King right down the street here from the asylum. I guess you know where to reach me on Friday mornings this month.

  • Arch Conservative

    “Rarely. His response to Glen’s recent piece was calling the guy a f’ing idiot. Great instincts there.”

    Sometimes one should avoid all of the verbose, flowery discourse and get down to to it El. That’s what I was trying to do in my response to Glenn’s article.

    The guy took three pages to once again tell us how the recent election was just a brief intermission is the neverending super happy fun fest that is the global leftistpalooza. His article was beyond ridiculous and if I didn’t know any better I’d say that this time he was only writing the words to convince himself of their truth. It can be a real bitch when reality starts to set in.

  • Jordan Richardson

    You’ll be the dude uncomfortably dressed in white?

  • Arch Conservative

    Before I go to bed I’ll leave you with two words………….

    President Rubio

    Meditate on that one motherf——s!

  • http://takeitorleaveit.typepad.com/an roger nowosielski

    Jordan, you posted nearly twenty comments in the space of five minutes. You don’t think now seriously I’m going to pay them any attention. Get a grip. If I want to bitch, I’ll bitch, it’s my business. So don’t be fucking acting as though you owned this site. Leave the chastising to comments editors and tend to your own business, whatever it is. You carry no weight with me.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    No, no, never white after Labor Day (#45). For fall, they give us tan straitjackets with dark brown elbow patches for that extra autumnal look.

  • Jordan Richardson

    Roger, I often forget who I’m talking to when I address you. My apologies.

  • Arch Conservative

    As for the editors of this site…I do feel they can be a tad touchy when it comes to reviewing the comments. On the other hand they are the ones that maintain this site. They make sure it sees the light of each new day so that those of us that aren’t editors can drop in with a load of verbal diarrhea when the urge strikes.

    No one forces any of us to remain engaged.

    I promise to start reviewing my comments before posting them from now on.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writers/alan-kurtz/ Alan Kurtz

    I promise to start reviewing my comments before posting them from now on.

    What a novel idea!