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Feelings on Duke Basketball

Can something be hated if no one actually loves it?

Don’t worry; I’m not trying to get philosophical on you here. It’s just that I think I hate Duke Basketball. I really do.

The problem is that I don’t think anyone legitimately loves the Blue Devils. Let’s take people who went there out of the equation. They are like family and well… even Charles Manson’s mother loved him.

(Quick side story) I do have a close friend who claims to be a Duke fan. Our friendship closely resembles the Duke/UConn relationship. You know, older person always beats on the younger one until the young one hits puberty, grows six inches, and now stomps on his elder every chance he gets.

So he doesn’t count either.

I’ve been writing for about five minutes and as I’m sitting here, anger has consumed me. I’m swearing up a storm just thinking about the stupid Dookies.

Without further ado and before I go completely insane, the top ten reasons I feel so strongly about Duke University…

10. Josh McRoberts. He cracks the list because of his enormous upside. He has the potential to be one of most hated players ever to have a great college career and then choke in the NBA. Look at him, he just looks shady. He reminds me of the farm boy that Nick Nolte pays to come to his school in Blue Chips. “Duhh, all I want is a tractor for mah daddy.”

9. Steve Wojociechowski. Wojo. I’ll never forget Wojo. He was a year too late to be on the best team never to win a national title in ’99. He carried himself the way J.J. Redick does now, only he wasn’t nearly as good. Not to mention, he is the reason so many people hit the floor with both hands when the opposing team’s guard is bringing the ball up court. I hate that.

8. Cherokee Parks. The definition of Duke hype. He was picked twelfth in the ’95 draft after being the star of the only Duke team to miss the NCAA tournament in the ’90s. I’ll forever remember Parks for that sad, pathetic face he seemed to always have. Well, eight teams and 4.4 ppg later, Parks is not on an active NBA roster. I guarantee he’s still not smiling.

7. Cameron Crazies. It’s the only place in the country where it seems cooler to be in the student section than on the court. But get over yourselves. The creativity has lacked over the last few years, and what are college sports without a bunch of rude drunk kids making asses out of themselves? Nope, the crazies would never get too offensive. The almighty Coach K might get angry.

6. Christian Laettner. The antichrist himself. Before there was Reddick or Wojo or Parks, There was Laettner. He ruined UConn’s final four run in 1990 and then did the same to Kentucky in ’92. But for a guy who won every award imaginable and played for the Dream Team, career NBA averages of 12 points and 6 rebounds per game mean he was just the first in a long line of NBA busts.

5. JJ Redick. Don’t get me wrong. Redick’s a great shooter. He is going to be a Steve Kerr type player in the NBA but he carries himself with that awful arrogance. I’ll bet he talks in the third person. “You know JJ’s shooting. JJ can shoot from half court and it looks good.” ::splash:: “JJ’s heating up.” Wait, that’s Jay Bilas talking.

4. Elton Brand. Brand is one the NBA’s good guys. He also was the first to leave Duke early and caught a lot of heat for that. But he is so high on the list because he dispels the theory that no Dookie can be a good player in the league. Brand is going to lead the Clippers to the playoffs this year and is making a major run at MVP.

3. Media coverage. I understand that Bilas went there. I understand that Dick Vitale is coveted there. But these guys are members of the press. I wish they could be just a little impartial. There’s a place for reporters like those two. We call it FOX.

2. Coach K. Yes, you run the cleanest program in America. You graduate 92% of your players. You come off as a first class human being. But as I’m trying to watch UConn win the Maui Invitational a few weeks ago, I have to see your terrible commercials all over ESPN. With Coach K subliminally recruiting year round, it’s no wonder other teams have to cheat to get their players.

1. The mystique that is Duke University. Everyone involved with the program has that “We’re Duke and you’re not” mentality and it’s sickening. Don’t they remind you of “Valley” from Saved By The Bell. No one rooted for Valley, did they?

About Dan McGowan

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    I guess you’re not getting an Amex card anytime soon?

  • http://danstake.blogspot.com/ Dan McGowan

    Funny I got my first credit card (amex)right around the same time all of his commercials started being played. It was last year during the NCAA tournament.

  • Jeff

    What a joke this list is, Duke probably has more “outside” fans than any program in the country, because people in NC cheer for the heels, and even more so for NC State, I have no doubt that your novel will be unpublished, your writing acumen is average at best

  • Danny Brackett

    you are a pathetic jerk! you are consumed with jealousy. I have loved Duke since I was 9 years old, way before Coach K. We have won as many ACC Tournaments as UNC. In fact we were in 3 final fours in 4 years in the sixties. Coach K made 9 in 11 years. If I was as sick as you I certainly wouldn’t put it on the internet. You need help.