I may not be able to tell you what you should buy for your dad/hubby for Father’s Day, but I can tell you what not to buy.
My hubby, LG, was checking out Amazon.com’s list of Father’s Day sale items and gave me the lowdown.
Here was his strongest reaction.
Tupperware? Tupperware! Tupperware?! Show me one dad in the universe who would want Tupperware for Father’s Day.
Knives are just a tad bit better, but seriously? Who is running this website? Every metrosexual homosexual girly stay-home dad they could find?
Hmm. Robotic lawnmower. (said in a non-emotional voice)
Me: I thought you would love that?
LG: Oh yeah, that is cool. I would love that.
My man would also love that metal detector. It’s a gadget. Anything gadget is beyond good. We decided that Ikea is the best store ever for a date-night because it combines a man’s love for gadget with a woman’s love for decor and beauty. He would also love the flatscreen or the wireless forecast station.
Looking at the list this morning, I don’t need my man to give me his two cents to instantly pick out other items that would be a bust at my house: lava lamp (he is 35 now), Jalepeno Rack (what the crap is that?), the turkey fryer (he wouldn’t even be able to try it out until November), the picture frames (he doesn’t love us that much), desktop humidor (I know we are kind of less than cultured but what is that? Is it just that I am a Mormon? Is a humidor where a man keeps his cigars? I seriously don’t know), the white dinky office chair (he’s a man, people, he wants a real chair), and last but certainly not least, the gnome (what kind of Father’s Day message does that send? You are so…um…round in the middle…
If I had to buy from Amazon’s Father’s Day list, I would go with the hammock on the second page. Or the robotic lawn mower. I would maybe even entertain the idea of the outdoor food smoker (if the man actually ever cooked anything in his life).
Since the lawn mower is 800 fat ones and the metal detector is 849 and the flatscreen is only 42 inches, I guess I am going to have to go with my first and best idea: Vienna sausages.
I try to buy the man some kind of sausage for every holiday, and the little metal can will take him right down memory lane. He was telling the girls just yesterday about how when he was a kid he loved his Saturday adventures. He would load up his backpack with everything he needed (food, water, toilet paper) and head out for an adventure on his bike. He would be gone all day looking for abandoned buildings out in the forest. For some reason that he can’t explain, his food always included Vienna sausages. Gross.
This year, I am packing a backpack full of Vienna sausages and taking the man on an adventure for Father’s Day. I might even give him the ultimate gift. I might even eat one of the sausages. Or not.
Or I may have to rethink the whole holiday by shopping at America’s true manly-man store.
Walmart, here I come.
I would never want to disappoint this man. Look at him. He’s the best daddy ever.