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Facebook’s “25 Things” Epidemic Scars Time Writer For Life

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If you weren't aware, Time Magazine's Claire Suddath hates Facebook. Specifically, she hates this current trend where people write 25 facts about them. Her core reasoning: "But it's just so stupid. Most people aren't funny, they aren't insightful, and they share way too much."

I agree with her on every facet of that statement. Thing is, that sentiment can be a reason to hate, well, all social networking. Most people using social networks are not very creative and have a tendency to be self-serving, banal, and pretentious. Which I believe were the reasons these sites were created in the first place — so these extremely annoying individuals could vent on the Internet about their own shortcomings and unimportant crises instead of calling us about it.

She continues, "I don't care that my college roommate's sister is anemic or that my stepcousin's boyfriend gets nervous around old people (apparently he's afraid they're going to die)." Right on! I for one agree that she shouldn't be forced at harpoon-point to read her friend's Facebook pages; memorize them; take a written blue-book exam to test her knowledge of her Internet acquaintance's personal quirks; and if she were to fail she would, um, be shot with the harpoon, I guess. So I feel for her in that regard, and hope that one day Ms. Suddath has the option of not reading things on the Internet that she doesn't want to read.

Furthermore, if only there were a way on Facebook to reduce the number of updates one could receive on a particular friend, maybe that would be better. Also, maybe there should be a way to control who your friends are on Facebook, because as it stands in the current system, you sign up for a profile and Facebook randomly assigns you 500 people from around the world that you have to like, and it's irreversible.

Having said that, it's time to share 25 facts about me. Ms. Suddath, I apologize in advance for ordering you to read these in exchange for releasing your mother from the waterboarding chamber. I mean, hell, you don't even know me!

1. In my spare time, I train walruses to hula hoop.

2. I once went to jail for trying to buy Community Chest. No, not Monopoly jail.

3. I have a lifetime .352 batting average in kickball, 3rd all time at Whiteford Elementary School.

4. I've been to over 17 different Subway sandwich restaurants.

5. Once I accidentally fell asleep wearing clothes.

6. My dead skin cells are insured for $4.5 million.

7. I can go several seconds without breathing.

8. I am rumored to be the next Akron Aeros assistant bullpen catcher coach.

9. In the 5th century I committed a series of brutal murders around the area that today is known more commonly as Jacksonville, Florida.

10. I petitioned the U.S. government to lower taxes for handicapped squirrels.

11. Bill Pullman once thanked me for saving the world by creating a computer virus that shut down the aliens' shields, and then leaving a nuclear bomb in their mothership. I quickly corrected him that this was Jeff Goldblum and happened in a movie that he actually appeared in years before.

12. In high school I was named "Least Likely To Shave."

13. I have a tattoo of a naked man that is actual size.

14. I've never thrown up while playing Atlasphere.

15. Once, while drowning in the Adriatic Sea, I was rescued by a highly evolved family of British seahorses who were on vacation. As they took me into their family I learned their customs and even a thing or two about life back on the surface. In time they brought me back above sea level and I finally began breathing again.

16. I've made great contributions to science with field research showing the behaviors of mother pandas upon realizing their young is being threatened.

17. My favorite "favorite" is "favorite Smurf."

18. I've long felt that Chris Rock's style of comedy, when done right, can have a profound and worthwhile effect at children's funerals.

19. My cologne? Yes, that's right. Cool Ranch Doritos. (For men.)

20. Before I go to sleep I need to lie in bed and close my eyes for at least two minutes, sometimes longer.

21. I have a birthmark in the shape of a Rorschach test.

22. When constructing ancient Greek buildings, I like to go with Ionic columns. I know some will tell you that Corinthian is the way to go, but don't worry, those people are probably registered sex offenders.

23. I'm pretty sure the guys who developed the Nintendo game "Battletoads" stole their pause music from the sounds I used to make with my cheeks and saliva when I was bored.

24. Aw man, remember those Mr. Freeze sticks? They were like frozen ice sticks in long plastic tubes and you couldn't tear them open so you had to get a pair of scissors? Then you'd suck on them and you'd get all the flavor out of them and have like half a tube of ice left? Because this one time I … oh, you don't remember them? Never mind.

25. I've been known to respond to inane online surveys with equally inane online force.

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About Suss

  • Brunelleschi

    Don’t quit your day job…….

  • Wow. How eerie is that? Here I have my two weeks notice, IN MY HAND. I was about to drive to my boss’s office, tie the notice to a brick, and throw it in her bay window. But here you stand before me, saving me from my own undoing, and it’s because of you that I will not be making the biggest mistake of my life. I love you, gentle stranger. I love you.

  • Jordan Richardson

    That’s a shame. I guess there weren’t enough memes in it for him.

  • Brunelleschi


    Good stuff!

    Good luck Matthew!

  • Ha. Your 25 things was the funniest thing I read on FB in a long time. I’ve been tagged at least a dozen times, but I refuse to play. Besides, I could never top your submission.

  • Ah Sussman – this: “Before I go to sleep I need to lie in bed and close my eyes for at least two minutes, sometimes longer.”


    The fair upset i caused the neighbours with the laugh-laugh over that.

  • I think I’ve said this before, but you’re one of the funniest guys I’ve *ever* read, and I’m glad to know you. I laughed out loud several times while reading this list. Very nice.