I read in the paper one day that some people in Washington were having trouble formulating an exit strategy for the eventual withdrawal of troops from Iraq. I thought I would supply a few ideas. I can assure you that all of my unsupported assertions are authentically unsupported by authentically non-existent persons. That’s good enough, isn’t it?
* Using a laser beam aimed from outer space, the United States will dig a canal across Iraq, from the Mediterranean Sea to the Indian Ocean. As the country is submerged, we will stand down.
* Before we can win the hearts of all Iraq, we must win the support of the very oldest. There are many elderly Iraqis confined to their beds who could be helped by American medicine or mercifully put to death. As they kick the bucket, we will stand down.
* The only reason that the insurgency is still able to fight is because they have food. We will use powerful herbicides to destroy all plant life in Iraq. As they starve to death, we’ll stand down.
* We should distract the insurgency with many thousands of small balloons. These balloons can be dropped from airplanes. The insurgency, previously occupied with creating impromptu explosives, will be consumed with a desire to create balloon animals. As they inflate the balloons, we will rebate the platoons.
* The Iraqis would not be attacking us if there were an alien invasion. Therefore, there must be an alien invasion. Do not ask how. As the aliens abduct, we will abscond.
* To bring stability to the country, we must win the hearts and minds of all Iraq; not just the Kurds. We’ve been acting like a bunch of wimps, going soft on the Kurds just because they support the United States. We’re bombin’ the Kurds. As the Kurds curdle, we’ll… churdle. Not very good, that one.
* We’ll bomb places that aren’t Iraq. After all, Osama bin Laden can only be in so many places at once.
* North Korea has nukes. Bomb it.
* Iran is mean. Bomb it.
* Afghanistan is still cruddy. Might as well bomb it.
* Vietnam used to be Communist. Bomb it.
* Cuba was mean to Elian Gonzalez. Plus, there was that Cuban Missile Crisis. In the name of post-post-emptive strikes, I say we bomb it.
* Germany inflicted the Holocaust upon the world. More post-post-emptive bombs.
* During the American Revolution, Vermont was less than helpful. Do we really need Vermont? I guess they’ve got Ben and Jerry’s. Send the Ben and Jerry’s to Iraq, bomb Vermont, and everyone is happy. As the Iraqis eat Cherry Garcias, we will Cherry Gar-leave.
* The reason that the insurgency is still fighting us is because it doesn’t truly understand our enlightened democracy. Therefore, all insurgents must enroll in a six-week seminar called ‘American Democracy and What It Can Do For You.’ After the terrorists learn about American institutions like the electoral college, the filibuster, and the hanging chad, they will eagerly flock to our cause. A concern has been raised that the insurgency might not voluntarily take this class, but that’s crazy talk.
* We will genetically engineer small furry balls that will coo gibberish in high-pitched voices and roll their eyes. “Ga ba goo gee,” they will say, and then they will rumble back and forth and swarm over Iraq in waves of homicidal cuteness. Yes, that’s right: We will destroy Iraq with Furbies. And lasers. And balloons. Would you like to ride in my beautiful balloon?