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Exercise Less and Eat More Junk Food

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Last year, I was sick on a regular basis. I suffered from a cold, allergies, the flu, fevers, and food poisoning. I found this incredibly frustrating, because I had been living a very healthy lifestyle.

I played soccer. I ran miles and wind sprints. I did push-ups, sit-ups, and pull-ups at home. I avoided sodas and fried foods, I ate vegetables and fruit, and I ate my vitamins. However, after suffering through 103 degree fevers and coughing fits, I decided that exercise and healthy eating weren’t working.

Consequently, I’ve come up with an alternative healthy lifestyle for happy living.

So long to push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, twist-ups, bend-ups, and throw-ups!
Adios to Calcium, Fish Oil, One-A-Day, whole bread, and oatmeal!

I present these five diet and exercise tips:

1) Morning exercise. Don’t.
It may take some discipline to avoid indulging in this common practice, but with time, the self-control will come.
If weeks go by and you still find yourself struggling with the temptation to exercise in the morning, try sleeping in. Be strong. You can do it.

2) Breakfast. It can be difficult to decide what to eat for breakfast. I understand how challenging this can be, so I’ve provided some guidelines for breakfast food.
a) The later the expiration date, the better.
b) Chocolate frosted versions of your breakfast food are always a good choice.
c) Sugar should be the first ingredient.
d) Look for breakfast foods that are endorsed by recent children’s movies.

If you still find breakfast to be problematic, start with a hearty breakfast of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, hot chocolate, and a croissant. If you like cereal, use whole chocolate milk. Readers of Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbies will know that chocolate milk is better than coke because the carbonation makes the coke bubbles go up your nose.

3) Lunch. Lunch is the easiest meal to plan for. You can have a very filling and inexpensive lunch with the McDonald’s Dollar Menu. I prefer getting two McChicken sandwiches, a small fry, and a chocolate milk. This is a good meal for under $5.

If you want something more substantial than a small fry, get the largest fries that McDonald’s sells and save some of them for later. McDonald’s French Fries will last for a REALLY long time. Four or five months from now, you’ll find yourself hungry and be glad that you saved some of your McDonald’s French Fries.

4) Afternoon exercise. Don’t.
Afternoon exercise might nullify any benefits that breakfast and lunch have provided.

5) Dinner. For dinner, it’s important to note that McDonald’s will still be open. However, if you’re hungry for some variety, top off the night with a pepperoni pizza and some ice cream. Or you could just eat ice cream. Don’t let anyone judge you.

It’s important to note that as you settle into this new lifestyle, there may be some old habits that threaten to come in the way.

Trust me, you’re not alone. Just the other day, I felt an uncontrollable urge to run a mile.

I quickly told myself that was a bad idea, because that might make me sweaty and unhappy. To escape temptation, I went downstairs to have some chocolate-covered pecans and watch football on TV.

In these situations, when you feel like exercising, you need to ask yourself, “Why should I exercise when I can watch OTHER people exercise?”

It may take some time, but with hard work you can develop a healthy lifestyle for happy living. Just remember:

1) Avoid morning exercise by sleeping in.
2) Sugar is the best breakfast ingredient.
3) McDonald’s is open for lunch.
4) Eat chocolate-covered pecans instead of exercising in the afternoon.
5) McDonald’s is still open for dinner.

Some people may challenge the “healthy” aspect of this program. They may try to discredit the benefits of my fast food, no-exercise diet by bringing up scientific and nutritional facts. Don’t be intimidated. Just invite them out to lunch at McDonald’s and listen to what they have to say.

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About SteventheThorn

  • Heather

    Steven! You had me and my family in stitches!!! The boys loved your helpful hints!