The other night I was exposed to the 2011 Golden Globes. Either that or I had alcohol-induced nightmares involving red carpets and Ricky Gervais. Natalie Portman is actually pregnant and The Social Network won best film?
Okay, then, I actually watched all three hours of the poor man’s Oscars hosted by NBC. Luckily, there were some pretty okay evening gowns to view, which made up for all the celebrities who were offended by Ricky Gervais’ roast-like quips.
My favorite of the evening came from Emma Stone. Blonde, tan, and foul-mouthed, Emma graced the red carpet in a simple peach dress from Calvin Klein Collection and paired it with python Salvatore Ferragamo peep toes; she looked just like a delicious cobbler. (Emma Stone photo from FabSugar.com)
A major theme of the night was emerald. Catherine Zeta-Jones made me want to visit the set of Gone With the Wind in the best way, looking festive in a tiered Monique Lhuillier frock. Oh. And congrats to Michael Douglas for the whole cancer survival thing. Mila Kunis! What a stunning Vera Wang gown and YSL heels. You were totally the best Swan of the evening. Elizabeth Moss, love. You accented that big nose of yours with this fab Donna Karan dress and tousled, voluminous hair. Peggy Olson would be in awe.
Angelina Jolie wore a sparkly Atelier Versace number, a nice complement to Brad Pitt. That and the lip gloss she was seen sporting later on. (Kunis, Moss, Jolie photo from Stylist.com)
In opposition to the emerald pallet were pastels! Roses, beiges, and demure golds were aplenty on this red carpet. I smell someone being washed out.
First off, LOVE you Leighton. And in Burberry! This tan dress with rouched sleeves and faint floral-esque detail is what Michelle Williams wanted to do but couldn’t (see below). Gossip Girl is the new Dawson’s Creek. Sorry. (Leighton Meester photo from Jezebel.com)
Anne Hathaway, who may or may not be an Armani spokesperson, was the center of attention in a long-sleeved, backless gold dream from Armani Privé. I would’ve liked it better as a mini dress, but I suppose this wasn’t the season. Someone should’ve told that to Halle Berry. Claire Danes, ya damn waif, your coral-pink dress was adorable. Even if your speech was a bit obnoxious and I didn’t see Temple Grandin because I can’t afford HBO, this simple Calvin Klein Collection dress did it for me.
Despite the fact that it didn’t fit in with the red carpet’s obvious themes, I loved Heidi Klum’s hippie vibe in Marc Jacobs. Mayyybe go a little easy on the Bangles next time, though.
Scarlett, did you just bust out of the top floor psych ward with that hairdo? I can’t handle that combo on top of your makeup, but the flowy romantic sleeves on your gown make up some points. I said some. Now sleep on the couch in your sinewy Elie Saab gown. Sandy B was trying to be Zooey D. I didn’t mind the bangs, THAT MUCH, but Twitter was unsure. Her Jenny Packham gown could teach ScarJo’s Elie Saab some lessons, however. (Bullock, Johannson photo from WhyFame.com)
Since I don’t like the fact that Natalie Portman is preggers, nor did I approve of the giant rose in her cleavage stemming from her Viktor & Rolf gown, here’s a pic of her Black Swan costume instead:
On the other hand, Jane Krakowski, another starlet sporting a baby bump, decided to take the understated route in a beautiful periwinkle Badgley Mischka gown. Better. Tina Fey, not pregnant, went with a similar hue that didn’t turn out quite as well.
Regarding the fruits of January Jones’ endorsement deal with Versace, I’m on the fence. Her revealing gown was a bit much for her boring personality, but hey, if you’ve got it, flaunt it, right? It reminded me somewhat of the Fifth Element (okay, a whole lot) and was in stark contrast to the romantic vibe on the rest of the red carpet. Hey, at least her dress was better than Jon Hamm’s hair. (January Jones photo from DailyMail).
Eva Longoria, however, kind of bored me. The look reminds me of something I would wear to a college bar in order to hide my gut from binge drinking the previous night. Cap sleeve. How sweet. Zac Posen is a little too young for your Desperate Housewives persona. And despite Megan Fox’s endorsement deal with Armani, she just looked so-so.
Olivia Wilde for Marchesa? AWFUL. If this were Prom 2011 (and it’s not), you would blend in with all of the other cupcakes standing on the wall. Fortunately, Olivia’s bangs saved her—they should speak to Sandra Bullock’s bangs and give them some pointers. Also, whyyyy those shoes? Louboutins don’t automatically match everything. Granted, if you were wearing some awesome leggings or black skinny jeans, go for it. You weren’t. (Olivia Wilde photo from Jezebel.com)
Now for the wrong way to do pastels. Go away, Lea Michelle! I cannot be a Glee fangirl. I just can’t. And you make me shudder every time I hear you giggle. Your ruffly pink dress makes you look like a roll of Bubble Gum Tape. Oscar de la Renta, go elsewhere next time. And Tilda Swinton, nooooo. Are those pink Crocs? Jesus Christ.
Nicole Kidman was also kind of blah in a yellow Prada gown with—what the hell is that on her shoulder? Are you wearing a wire? Are you with the Feds? Get out. Get out now…Hi, Carrie Underwood. Yawn. I wanted to love Michelle Williams, really, I tried, and the pixie hair is super cute, but NO, just NO— this looks like a vase I have in my apartment that I use to hold wine corks. Even though it’s Valentino, I just can’t do it.
Sorry, Christina Hendricks, even though I was unsure about your Mad Men costar, January, you definitely got red all wrong. The hair and that giant flower are competing for space. It’s hard to believe you didn’t suffocate during the evening.
(Michelle Williams photo from Jezebel.com, Christina Hendricks photo from HarpersBazaar.com)
J.Lo’s Zuhair Murad gown was not for me. It made her look frumpy. Frumpy and sad. Frumpy and sad and like she hasn’t worked out her biceps since she was Jenny from the Block. Oh neat, you’re wearing Harry Winston? Not impressed. As for Julianne Moore’s asymmetrical Lanvin frock—toooo much sleeeeeve.
Christina Aguilera hit the red carpet in a Zuhair Murad beaded gown and thought she was still filming Burlesque. I think she also went tanning with Snooki and J Woww. (Christina Aguilera photo from DailyMail.com) Woof. Buzz’s girlfriend. Helena Boham Carter in Vivienne Westwood and the mismatched shoes. Is it clash-day at the Junior High?
And there you have it.