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EISNER & OVITZ: The Musical

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Steven Sondheim where are you when we need you? Well, actually you’re in New York right now… I don’t have a GPS signal off yer ass but I’m sure you’re there. What? It was rhetorical Sondheim… Just sit down. We’ll call you if we really need you…

Just…

…Look, I can just as easily get Andrew Lloyd Webber on the phone, alright?

The point is, we desperately need another Evita or… wha? OH SHUT THE HELL UP SONDHEIM! Jesus! I was trying to say or another Sweeney Todd if you’d let me finish ya friggin’ prima donna…

Sigh…

Something that can do justice to the fading light of these two pathetic titans of yester-scandal. Something that sings to the glory of their grease-spot souls and uber-unmitigated greed… And their uber stupidity… And their uber egos… And their delusions of grandeur over their supposed uber-uberness… Friggin’ ubers…

OK… The truth of the matter is this: I’ve been offered a boatload, actually a small flotilla of money by a large cabal of Fortune 500 CEOs that are terrified that if something isn’t done soon, Americans might get the right idea about them! That is – that they’re super-sucking money grubbing bastards with the moral IQ of themselves. With the kind of money they’re willing to spill in order to white wash our collective memories, that lil matzah ball Madonna’s Evita: the Movie! would have been a hit. *

If there’s any hope in restoring the blindfo…The public’s trust in our captains of industry this musical is it. They’ve hired me to actually begin pinning the script…

The casting rumor mill is working overtime. Jennifer Lopez, (by law she now has to be in at least two box office flops per year) Halle Berry (reprising her role as Catwoman – note to Halle from director: meow better!) Ben Affleck (he’s gotta make rent soon) the guy from Super Size Me (because we want to see if he’s dropped those 47 additional inches) Kevin Costner (because he needs to be in someone else’s train wreck once in awhile) Richard Gere (for no particular reason – which holds true to the casting logic of every other movie he’s been in) the entire cast, past and present of Saturday Night Live, (with the exception of the actual funny ones – you know who you are) and every cutesee wootsee, I’m barely legal, I can barely act, I can barely sing, I can barely stand my agent and don’t-even-bring-up-my-mother former Disney twit that plague the screens with seizure-inducing films such as First Daughter, Princess Diaries, (1 and 2 and I swear to God if there is a 3 coming up I’ll…) and of course who could forget Hilary Duff’s………………….? And of course Michael Douglas because he’s real good at being angry and there’s a change his wife might do a cameo… And lastly, Simon Cowell because there’s a chance someone’s gonna have to die in this thing and we all desperately need the stupendous emotional… Cathartic… Gestalt (bless you) kinda thing… his death would bring…

I’ll post bits of the script as they become available…

*Here’s how that would have worked. A fraction of this money, say 0.000000001% or about $100 would have been used to break the moral backbone of one of our fine upstanding Congressman. They in turn would have introduced a bill for the government to purchase every single seat at Regal Cinemas for a month running. We wouldn’t be compelled to go of course – seeing how that would be a direct violation of 8th Amendment prohibiting cruel and unusual punishment. (This law doesn’t pertain to geeky film projectionists who are assumed to be guilty of something either now or in the future to which the rest of us would immediately emit a collective, eeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!)

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  • Claire Robinson

    An entertaining post,alethinos59, which I completely enjoyed!

    Claire