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Ebert for the Kiddies

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It’s March. It’s blech outside. It’s damn depressing. Nothing left to do except go the movies. Of course, this takes on a whole new meaning when you are a Dad. There is nothing left to do but go and sit through painfully boring kid’s movies …. or so I thought …

I finally saw two kid flicks worthy of my attention. Translated this means that I actually stayed awake. Most little tyke reels make me relax like Kurt Cobain after the bullet. I am sure I have sent sleep slobber cascading onto the shoulder of some little rugrat next to me. Even the perilous tales of redemption and forgiveness chucked into those freakin’ Veggie Tales movies can’t keep me from slamming into the eyelid theatre. (Ironically, in a perverse twist of fate I do see over-bearing, heavy-handed Christians as annoying vegetables!)

So there was this Wild Thornberrys movie thing with that tear-jerking “Father and Daughter,” Paul Simon smarm that got me. By the end of the film I was weeping like Linda Tripp realizing she was fat and ugly. My daughter put her arm around me, trying to console me. I assured her I was okay and that I had stuck a popcorn greased finger into my eye. To this day, when she sees Garfunkel’s better half on television or hears that song, I swear she winks at me and whispers “I am getting that car when I want it, aren’t I, Pops!?!”

Then last week it was “Jungle Book 2.” I think it was the flashbacks from my childhood that got me hooked … or maybe that the gals in Disney films are such hot numbers … I mean the older gals, of course. I am no animated cine-pedo-phile Pete Townsend! If she was real, I would bang the kid’s Mom like a screen door in a wind storm. Yowza! Yeah, baby. I got your bear necessities, right here …

Plus my kid is becoming sinister. She laughs at the scary parts…at age 4. When we watch “Beauty and the Beast” at home, she screams with laughter when the evil Gaston dies. Hopefully when I am old and decrepit she will give me an honorary seat in the cabinet of her puppet government … sort of like Cheney and Rove have done for Dubya.

Viva the kiddie flicks!

*cross-posted at brianlewandowski.com

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