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Earl Vickers: Supra-Genius

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And I wonder why I never get anything done…

I was sitting at my desk today, mindlessly whacking Ichiro Suzuki upside the head, when I thought I’d see what other millionaire baseball players I could get to take out my frustrations upon. Ichiro was added to my collection of desktop toys (“More toys = less room for work.” – Whiny the Elder) by my thoughtful wife, who bought a box of Alpha-Bits cereal just so she could give me the bobblehead doll inside. (OK, so she probably didn’t think that, but it scores brownie points, and she did agree to give it to me if I stopped whining.)

Anyway, I typed “Ichiro bobblehead Alpha-Bits” into Google and found the Raving Toy Maniac. Talk about tons of cool toys! If it is or was an action figure, you can find something about it here.

But that’s not the strange, mysterious and ultimate time-wasting part. That came when I looked for a link to Alpha-Bits to post here and ran across this letter. Never one to pass up reading the bizarre, I went to its source. But before I give you the link, please, swallow any liquids you may be attempting to consume. Failure to do so will cause major spewage.

Ready? It’s The Earl Vickers Museum of Conceptual Art.

Now, I know what you’re saying, “Drop the damn remote, cat!” (or maybe you’re not. what am I? psychic?) But this is not your typical art museum.

For example, one of the newest exhibits is on crap circles. No, I didn’t mis-spell it. CRAP circles. As in, “…mysterious circular feces formations discovered in remote fields, back yards and litter boxes all over the world…”

Or how about: Oly-hay Ible-bay. You got it. The Bible in Pig Latin.

You can even join The Church of the Almighty Dollar.

Quoting from the First Epistles, Chapter 3:

“1 I pray thee, deliver twenty copies and see what cometh to pass on the fourth day.
2 This chain arriveth from Venezuela and was written by Saul Anthony de Crell, a missionary from South America.
3 I myself forward it unto thee.
4 Whereas the chain shall make the tour of the world, thou shalt make twenty copies identical unto this one and deliver them unto friends and disciples.

5 After a few days thou shalt receive a miracle.
6 This is true even if thou art not credulous.”

The scariest part, though, is the Comparative Biography–also known as, “Things Other People Accomplished When They Were Your Age”. Here, you can enter your age and see every great thing other people did when they were at the same stage of life as you.

In my case:

John Glenn became the first American to orbit the Earth.

Joan Ganz Cooney founded Children’s Television Workshop and became the mastermind behind “Sesame Street.”

Charles Thurber patented a typewriter.

Chemist Franz Karl Achard developed a process for extracting sugar from beets.

Physicist William Sturgeon created the first electromagnet.

Jean Eugene Atget, now considered one of the greatest photographers, took up photography.

Hank Aaron hit his 715th home run.

Harriet Beecher Stowe, a mother of six who occasionally wrote for magazines, published Uncle Tom’s Cabin, an antislavery novel of such force that it is generally recognized as one of the causes of the Civil War.

Earl Vickers unveiled his audio effects plug-in SFX Machine at the 1997 NAMM convention.

Now, I’m depressed. Take that, Ichiro!

[This first appeared at Solonor’s Ink Well on July 20, 2002.]
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