Transylmania opened in December of 2009 to universally bad reviews and one of the worst box office records in recent history (actually, the worst opening ever for any movie that debuted on 1,000+ screens). It’s got to be one of the worst movies ever, right? Well, you see, readers, I am what some would call an “eternal optimist.” Even if a movie gets ridiculously panned but it looks somewhat interesting to me, I’ll watch it regardless and at least give it a shot to decide for myself. Sure, critics can tell you if a movie is good or bad, but in reality, that’s just their opinion and it really doesn’t count in the grand scheme of things (oh, if any newspapers are hiring for critics, I’m available!). It is with this that I am here not only to tell you, but to beg and plead with you not to waste your time on Transylmania.
Interestingly enough, this isn’t even really a stand-alone movie. This belongs to a National Lampoon (remember when that was a good thing to be associated with?) series known as Dorm Daze. The first Dorm Daze, released in 2003, followed a group of kids on the crazy adventure known as “college.” It was filled with all the gross-out and toilet humor you would expect, but to be brutally honest I actually kind of liked it. The sequel, Dorm Daze 2: College @ Sea took some of the returning cast onto a semester at sea situation and threw in an old fashioned treasure hunt side-plot for giggles. It didn’t work as well, but you know what? There are worse things in the world than this.
The "worse thing" I just mentioned is the third film, the one I am (eventually) going to be talking about, known simply as Transylmania. Much like the Star Wars series, these films seem to be following an “every three years” rule, even though logic dictates most of these people should have graduated by now. In this installment, it focuses around a group of college kids going to Romania for a semester (I assume). Some of them are from the other films (the stoners Pete and Wang, the ditzy Lynne), and some aren’t (like our hero, which I will get to… right now!). So why did these crazy college kids decide on Romania? Well, because they were conned into it by mutual friend Rusty (Oren Skoog, and yes, that’s his name), who wants to go to Romania to visit his Internet girlfriend and finally geeeeet laaaaaaid (like in every college movie ever).
So they get there, and they find out the story of Radu (not Space Cases Radu unfortunately), a vampire who still roams the night in search of the music box his true love is trapped in. Of course, no one believes that story… but just you wait! They get acquainted with their surroundings, only going to one class which is taught by Teodora Van Sloan (the always awful but pretty Musetta Vander), a descendant of the vampire slayer who music box-ed the vamp’s girlfriend and still believes the vampire to exist, much to the chagrin of Dean Floca (David Steinberg), the diminutive head of the school. Floca’s daughter, Draguta (Irena A. Hoffman) happens to be the woman Rusty is romancing. When Rusty meets her, he finds out her dirty secret: she’s got a really ugly (and fake looking) hump on her back, but instead of running like he wants to, he is forced to stay and play nice or else Dean Floca will have him chained up in his dungeon (I think they are standard for any Romanian basement). Floca has also secretly kidnapped one of the girls (I really don’t care who) and has removed her (still alive!) head so he can transplant Draguta’s head onto her slender not fake hump body.
Meanwhile, the music box has ended up in the hands of Lynne (Jennifer Lyons), who keeps getting possessed by Radu’s woman, resulting in “hilarity.” Radu goes to find her, looks just like Rusty, a bunch of mix ups, some unfunny jokes, and the return of James DeBello (reprising his loser slacker role of Cliff from the other films) for about 20 minutes, yadda yadda I’m bored now.