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DVD Review: Midgets vs. Mascots

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Someone made a movie where midgets challenge mascots to a bunch of absurdly ridiculous challenges. Surely no one thought they would see the day, let alone see Gary Coleman’s penis, but Midgets vs. Mascots has happened.

There is no way to seriously dissect or critique something like this, or even remain remotely professional no matter how hard you try. It wouldn’t be any different if this were Midgets vs. Ninjas, or maybe Mascots vs. Pirates, which unfortunately probably just gave the producers some additional ideas for a sequel.

Undoubtedly, movies like this are made for the curiosity factor, so that drunk college kid wandering through the video store or his Netflix queue instantly thinks, “This is awesome!” and picks up a copy to the delight of everyone involved in the making of this farce. Instead of reviewing this, uh, thing, it will be easier to quell that curiosity by offering objective cliff notes and saving everyone time, which is assuredly not to the delight of the producers.

For instance, one of the challenges involves the two five-persons teams drinking a full gallon of milk each in 15-minutes without vomiting. As you can guess, not everyone succeeds, and the camera is right there to capture it. In addition, as we are made aware, one of the little people is lactose intolerant, causing the milk to disagree with her and she proceeds to spew explosive diarrhea all over the patrons in the restaurant.

Now, one of two things has happened right now. Either the sheer disgust of the very idea has turned you off to the entire project and you’ve stopped reading, or you are laughing hysterically at the thought of a lactose-intolerant midget crapping on rich people. Where you fall in that divided split determines whether or not this fringe indie project is for you.

If you are the latter, you’ll also be overjoyed to be aware that midgets cannot play tetherball, can actually knock out Scottie Pippen with a telephone (yes, that Scottie Pippen), and can take a pretty mean super kick square in the face while in the midst of a bar fight. Mascots, being the brave (or absurdly stupid) people they are can wrestle an alligator, be tossed around by a bull, and toss out insults inside a gay bar with the best of them. Now you know, and you don’t have to waste your time watching it all happen.

First Look Studios skips a Blu-ray release, as if it matters, for a DVD release. While a bit dim in terms of contrast, you can appreciate all of the texture in the milk vomit. Compression can be a bit rough, but remains generally consistent and usually inoffensive. Colors are typically bright, especially in regards to the taco mascot’s cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. And yes, this is actually a serious review of the video quality of Midgets vs. Mascots, because that’s exactly what you were looking for, right?

Shot live, as many of the stunts were done in public places, dialogue can be difficult to understand, and even trying the subtitles they state it is unintelligible. Helpful for sure.

Presented with a Dolby Digital 5.1 mix, the case oddly features the DTS logo for no apparent reason. There is nothing going on with this mix in terms of the surrounds, and the music is mixed quite loud in comparison to the dialogue. Then again, if all you came here to do is see a midget get punched square in the face, you probably don’t care anyway.

Extras, beyond a round of trailers, include 15-minutes of deleted scenes, including additional events. Character featurettes, running 18-minutes, also act as deleted scenes with everyone getting a little extra face time.

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About Matt Paprocki

Matt Paprocki has critiqued home media and video games for 13 years and is the reviews editor for Pulp365.com. His current passion project is the technically minded DoBlu.com. You can read Matt's body of work via his personal WordPress blog, and follow him on Twitter @Matt_Paprocki.
  • When Pippen sent out that press release, I knew something amazing was about to unfold.

  • Jeremy Wyse

    I don’t know what this critic is talking about… I bought the movie at http://www.midgetsvsmascots.com and I got a package of midget condoms. Sorry Mr. Critic man, that is funny.

  • Well, they didn’t send condoms with the review copy, and I can assure you, despite the possibility of such, the midget condoms would have to be reviewed separately on their own terms, not in conjunction with the DVD.

    Unless of course, you know of a midget who would actually be willing to use the condoms with the DVD itself somehow… which is now an image forever ingrained in my mind. Damn it.

  • Brody Hudson

    I don’t agree with this critic either… this movie is hilarious!

    it’s a laugh riot and I gave the midget condoms to my friend as a gag gift.