I could not believe my eyes. "What the … is that a man on a bicycle?" I asked Steve Brown, UPS delivery associate and inter-dimensional adventurer.He looked to where I was pointing to in the kaleidoscopic swirl of the 8th Dimension void. "Oh, him, that's Duke De Mondo. He spends alot of time here."
"I see. That explains much," I said, nodding my head.
"Yeah, I think that guy Olsen lives out this way, too. Well, we have some time to kill," said Steve Brown, jumping up from the driver's seat. "I've got the truck on auto-pilot. Anyone care for a Hot Toddy or Juniper Juice Surprise? My specialty, you know."
He pressed a small blue button and a fully stocked bar suddenly appeared.
"I say," I said, "these UPS hybrid trucks are wonderfully appurtenanced. I'll take a Hot Toddy, if you don't mind."
"Juniper Juice for me, please," said Glenor, in that annoyingly coyish high-pitched voice of hers. "What's the surprise?" she giggled with goo-goo eyes beaming squarely on our burly UPS driver.
"That's a surprise," he winked. "I love that pink sweater you're wearing. Is that cotton?" he asked.
"Angora," she giggled again.
"It really fits you like a glove," he said.
I really needed that Hot Toddy now. "What else do you have aboard this UPS truck," I asked, hoping to change the current path of conversation.
"Press that green button," directed Steve Brown, while juggling the glasses for Glenor's amusement. She is so easily amused.
I pressed it. A large plasma TV appeared out of nowhere, and a shelf of DVDs popped open. I rubbed my hands together with glee, then ran them lovingly across the numerous movie titles. No wait … could it be? Yes! A copy of Killer Klowns From Outer Space!
"Excellent choice," said Steve Brown. "I'll put on the Jiffy Pop."
Not quite sure what the Chiodo Brothers were thinking when they pitched this idea for a movie, but it does have its charm. How can you not like a story about aliens that happen to look like bizarro clowns, who decide to stop for a quick nosh while shooting around the galaxy. Of course, this being a horror kind of movie, that quick nosh involves turning just about everyone in the small town of Crescent Cove into a jumbo-sized cotton candy treat with a nice gooey center that can be sucked up through a crazy straw.
"Considering the low budget for the film, the art direction and production design is fairly imaginative," said Steve Brown.
"Yes," I agreed. "If only the acting were a bit more top-notch."
"I loved him in Animal House," giggled Glenor.
"Vernon does play a nasty role well, doesn't he," said Steve Brown. "His Dean Wormer is downright wicked. Speaking of wicked, more surprise Glenor?"
"More please, why yes," she said. "Oof, I meant to say please more, yes," she giggled. "Darn, I meant to say…"
She actually hiccupped right on cue. I really needed that Hot Toddy now. I turned my attention once again to the DVD.
It opens with the town's younger set smooching along Lovers Lane. Quickly ruining the peace and quiet, the Stooge-like Terenzi Brothers (no relation to the Chiodo Brothers — I hope) show up in their rented ice cream truck, with speaker blaring, to sell ice cream to the over-heated smoochers. The bumbling but industrious duo are soon driven off by the annoyed Lovers Lane hopefuls. But before Mike and Debbie can get back to their smooching, a bright object shoots across the sky and noisily lands not too far away. In true '50s horror film fashion, our lovers are off to investigate. Of course this only happens in horror films. Given a choice of heavy petting or chasing down mysterious glowing objects in the woods, I think most typical teenagers would go for the former.
While our atypical lovers head to the scene of impact, Farmer Green Gene (no, not Captain Kangaroo's buddy) and his dog Pooh, see the light and head out to investigate. He and his dog are the first ones to find the circus tent spaceship in the woods. There is a nice bit here with Royal Dano walking along the side of the tent and a killer Klown's shadow following him along. Circus fun and excitement soon turn to dread as he and his dog are captured and cotton-candyized.