Rain began to side-slip across the windowpanes and the bedroom grew dark. As Zombos and I alternately draped ourselves over his bed, the settee, and the leather wing chairs, we were at our wits end waiting for the exterminator to arrive.
We had exhausted the claret and the sherry, and now our beloved green fairy — Absinthe — was almost gone. The situation was becoming intolerable. Hours had passed since we discovered the large hole in Zombos' closet wall. Whatever creature chewed its way into the closet was large and definitely unwelcome.
Glenor, the maid, brought in the evening post. Among the bills, personal correspondence and advertisements (Zombos so loves receiving those reassuring messages from Forest Lawn), there was a soggy package from William Winckler, the director of Frankenstein versus the Creature from Blood Cove. I had contacted Mr. Winckler previously, and he was gracious enough to send along a DVD copy of his film.
"Well, it is in black and white," I said, unwrapping it. Zombos loves black and white films. I waved it in front of him. He waved his hand in the air, which I took for a yes. I popped the disc into the DVD player and poured out the last drops of Absinthe.
"Lap dance special?" said Zombos, noticing the menu choice. "What is that?" I selected it and soon the both of us were nonplussed. "My word, I suppose that gives new meaning to the phrase 'Frankenstein's monster,'" I said. "Good lord," said Zombos, "if Zimba sees this, I'll never hear the end of it. Quick, select something else. Now, please, if you don't mind."
"Oh, yes, of course, sorry. I see there is a wealth of extras to choose from. Let me see — the documentary on composing the music may be interesting." I started it.
I should point out that, unlike most people, Zombos and I enjoy going through the extras on a DVD before we actually view the main feature. We find it enhances our viewing experience. On this particular disc — the Frankenstein monster's lap dance interlude aside — there are quite a few extras to choose from, including audio commentary, documentaries on music and making the film, bloopers, a trailer, and deleted scenes.
It is rare that you see a documentary on the scoring for a film, so Mel Lewis' explanation of how he evolved the score is very interesting. In the documentary on making the film, we also enjoyed the coverage on Rich Knight's makeup creations for the Frankenstein monster and the Creature. We fast forwarded through the lengthy auditions segment, but budding thespians will probably want to spend more time viewing it.
The rain was coming down in buckets by the time we started the main feature. At Zombos' request, I held onto the remote and positioned myself close to the door, just in case Zimba or Junior popped in during one of the numerous T&A scenes. Frankenstein and the Creature were certainly not the only 'monsters' in this film, to be sure.
No sooner do the opening credits end than the Creature, a biogenetically-engineered one at that, escapes the mad scientists' lair by running out the front door and gate, and heads straight for the beach. "Did the Creature just walk out the front door and gate?" asked Zombos. "No. He ran out the front door and gate," I corrected him.
We join our loopy scientists, still dressed in their white lab coats, drinking coffee after dinner. They decide to go and retrieve Frankenstein's monster to continue their experiments. Hey, why not?
Off they travel to Shellvania — the beachside resort, I would imagine, to Transylvania. As luck would have it, they easily find the monster in an unmarked grave. Of course, they had help from their trusty pocket-sized Reanimated-Tissue Traces Finder.
"What in hell is that thing? Is that made out of Legos?" asked Zombos. "It does look like it," I said. "Why, just last week at Toys-R-Us I saw Lego kits for mini-Breeder reactors, Geiger counters, and Disintegration ray guns, so it isn't too far-fetched. I think I read about them recalling the disintegration ray guns, though. Parents started disappearing, you know."
"Amazing," said Zombos. "In my day, it was Slinkies, Silly-Putty, and Mr.Potato Head. I really must pay more attention to Junior and his hobbies."
While digging up the Frankenstein monster (heretofore abbreviated to FM), a werewolf attacks them, is frightened off, then attacks them again. In broad daylight. Must be a Shellvania thing. Of course, after being viciously assaulted (somewhat) by the well-groomed werewolf and shooting it dead, the unperturbed scientists decide to chat about it's medical condition at length. Mad scientists always have this ego thing going on. They just cannot help themselves. Talk, talk, talk is followed by more digging.
"I would be hauling ass right about now," I said. Zombos agreed. 'Hey, look, the werewolf is Eddie Munster," said Zombos, as we watched the poor cursed thing transform back to its human shape. "No wonder it looked like his Woof Woof doll."
Back in Los Angeles (I wonder how they got FM past customs), the mad scientists are working on brainwashing FM to follow only their orders. Meanwhile, Percy, Bill and Dezzirae are off to a deserted beach to shoot some photos for a Kitty Kat magazine layout with…
"Lord! Would you look at those mons — !" said Zombos.
…to shoot some photos with Gabrielle, the well-endowed and saucy model. Of course, they would pick the wrong deserted beach on which to do a photo shoot. Mayhem quickly ensues as they hustle back to the officeand are told to hustle back to the beach — my, how convenient! — to take more photos of our next well-endowed and saucy model, Beula…
"Heavens, those are even bigger than — !"
…who commits the terminal mistake of wanting to skinny dip in the surf of a deserted beach. Just as Bill, Percy, and Dezzirae beg her not to, the Creature pops into frame to maul her to death. Beula obviously has not read my non-survival tipsfor horror movie victims. Way to go, Beula!
More mayhem ensues as the Creature follows our panic-stricken trio to the parking lot, then to the — I bet you didn't see this one coming — mad scientists lair. Calling for help, and ringing the bell, too, Bill, Percy, and Dezzirae are invited inside, only to become prisoners. FM is sent forth to kick the Creature's bum, but instead gets his kicked with a dose of venom. Luckily, mad Dr. Lazaroff (G. Larry Butler) has anti-venom lying around.
"Is that Ed Wood?" asked Zombos, as a ghost torments Dr. Lazaroff. "Can't be, he's not wearing an Angora sweater," I said. "Roger Corman, then?" "Not dead yet," I answered. "Oh, right. It must be old Victor Frankenstein himself, then," concluded Zombos, and indeed it was.
"By the way, the cinematography by Matthias Schubert is quite good, don't you think?" I asked. "The action scenes between FM and the Creature lack bite, though. Seems more like they are having a hissy fit." Zombos agreed. "The pacing is a little less kinetic than I would like. The camera angles are pretty well done, though. The director uses the black and white medium very well."
Just when Selena Silver was going into her pole dance routine in the seedy bar, all hell broke loose — not in the film though. You will just have to pick up a copy to see how it ends.
"Is that Ron Jeremy?" asked Zimba, standing at the door. I doubt her lower lip could drop any further. Zombos looked at me. "Oh, right," I said, and quickly turned off the DVD player. So much for my sentry abilities. "Wait a minute," said Zombos, "how did you know that was Ron Jeremy?"
I sensed a battle brewing, one even more horrific than the fight between FM and the Creature. I was slowly edging out of the room when Chef Machiavelli came running up the stairs yelling in Italian.
"What's he yelling about now?" I asked. "Something about a big hole he found in the pantry wall," replied Zombos. "Lord, not another one!" Both Zombos and I hurried downstairs, with Zimba fuming behind us.
And where is that exterminator?