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DVD Review: Feast II – Sloppy Seconds

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I'd be lying if I said that director John Gulager didn't have style. He has quite a lot of it, actually, and some of his visuals are very nifty. But he doesn't stand a chance in Hell of being a good director if he's going to apply his style to something as vigorously stupid as Feast II: Sloppy Seconds. Even as far as direct-to-video sequels go, it's an abomination.

The plot is barely worth mentioning, but it involves a lot of characters with descriptive names like Biker Queen (Diane Goldner) and Bartender (Clu Gulager, John's father) — the latter of whom lived through the madness of the first Feast — trying to survive in a small town teeming with alien monsters. Other characters include a pair of Little People wrestlers named Thunder (Martin Klebba) and Lightning (Juan Longoria García). Yes, one of them wears one of those Lucha Libre masks for most of the movie. Yes, they wrestle each other.

The movie has no intention of being scary; it's far too self-aware for that, and tries to take a sort of Tarantino-lite approach to the material. As with most films that try to imitate Tarantino, this one does so miserably. Instead of being Death Proof, let's just say that Feast II would've been right at home as one of those fake trailers in the middle of Grindhouse. In fact, I'm almost positive that a crazy announcer voice would've made this much more watchable.

The first Feast was funny. It hearkened back to the boobs-and-blood days of '80s horror, and fit well enough into the mold of something more inspired like Evil Dead II. It was the end result of the third and final season of Project Greenlight, probably the only reality show worth a damn (so of course it was the only one no one watched), and I remember that at one point on the show, the producers got into a spat over scripts. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were championing some oddball creative thing, while Chris Moore argued that if they wanted to keep the show going, they needed a commercially viable movie, which of course to him meant a dumber one. When they chose the Feast script by Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, everyone was disappointed, especially considering the director they chose was as stylish as Gulager.

Ironically, Feast probably ended up as the least successful of the Project Greenlight movies, barely getting a theatrical release and winding up on DVD more than a year after the series had been canceled. I ended up renting the movie mainly for closure, but found myself surprisingly pleased with its utter lack of pretension; it just wanted to be a gory, goofy good time, and it was. I don't know exactly what went wrong with Feast II, but maybe it's that someone thought to make it at all. The joke worked the first time, but here they've run out of ideas.

The sequel's idea of a sense of humor is this: The characters manage to kill one of the monsters, and one of them decides they should dissect it to find out "what makes it tick." They never do find out, and the whole situation is useless, but that's beside the point. They begin taking apart the creature, and as they shift its organs around, the monster corpse starts farting up blood, and its gigantic monster penis starts pissing all over the place. At this, everyone in the room starts vomiting on one other. Oh, good one, haha.

That's Feast II in a nutshell. It makes no sense, it fails at gory Sam Raimi-like slapstick, and is so aggressively repulsive that it feels like the filmmakers were trying to put the audience through some kind of nightmarish endurance test. It exudes all the wit of two frat boys getting baked, which probably isn't that far off the mark.

I would say that John Gulager has a chance of being a good director if given decent material, but his next movie is Feast 3: The Happy Finish. So whatever.

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About Arlo J. Wiley

  • http://www.maskedmoviesnobs.com El Bicho

    Sounds ghastly, although “Death Proof” itself was miserable. It was Tarantino badly imitating Tarantino.

  • http://www.reelpicks.cjb.net Arlo J. Wiley

    El Bicho:

    I thought Death Proof was the best film of 2007…

  • http://www.reelpicks.cjb.net Arlo J. Wiley

    Or, no, wait, I liked No Country for Old Men better. But Death Proof runs second for me.

  • http://www.maskedmoviesnobs.com El Bicho

    Then from your statements, I can only surmise you saw two movies in 2007.

  • http://www.reelpicks.cjb.net Arlo J. Wiley

    Three if you count that Death Proof was a part of Grindhouse!

  • http://golforbis.com jeff

    i wish they d bring back project greenlight!

  • Director

    This review is too harsh. Feast 2 isn’t great art, but it does what it’s trying to do. What movie has this reviewer directed? He should pry that chip off his shoulder and go do something.

  • http://wp.blogcritics.org/writers/arlo-j-wiley Arlo J. Wiley

    I am actually a filmmaker. The shorts I have made, though admittedly far from great, are better than Feast II by miles and miles and miles. 😉

  • carrett

    sad… if you diss a movie and then compare your productions to that movie, what good has it done? Aren’t you just saying what you did is ‘miles and miles’ better than trash? I am just trying to point this out… not trying to diss you.