Back in high school, when we were bored and there didn’t seem to be anything topical to talk about, my buddies and I would sometimes ask each other totally random, apropos-of-nothing hypothetical questions. These questions were usually completely off-the-wall, and often rather crude, which of course was part of the point. It was a way to both find out more about your pals (and yourself), as well as to derive some sick, twisted humor.
We termed these hypothetical questions “hypos” for short.
The manner upon which they were brought up was usually after a semi-uncomfortable silence in which the conversation had obviously lagged.
Then someone would suddenly break the silence and say, “Dude! Hypo…” and then continue with some intricately-detailed scenario almost certainly formed in the nether-regions of his brain stem.
So, without further ado, here are a few of the more disturbing (and thought-provoking!) “hypos” our teenage minds came up with:
1 – You are offered one million dollars, tax-free, if you complete a simple task. You must go into a locked room with an adorable puppy. You must play (bond) with this puppy for a full 60 minutes. Then, you must remove one of its legs with your bare hands. In other words, it must be torn off, ripped from its flesh while it howls in pathetic agony.
Do you do it? How about for ten million? Is there any price?
2 – You are taken hostage by a group of deranged cultists. They offer you a choice. There are two options.
The first option is to have your penis cut off and thrown into a fire, while they videotape this horror. The tape will then be sent to all major media outlets. You will internationally become known as “the guy who had his dick chopped off and destroyed.” You will be the butt of jokes for the rest of your life, and you will never be able to have normal sexual intercourse ever again. On the bright side, they will pay you ten million dollars for your trouble.
The second option is to be released without harm. Your genitals remain intact. However, they promise you that one of their members will hunt you down and shoot you in the head at some undetermined date roughly 1000 days from now. In other words, no matter where you go or what you do, you are doomed to die (a relatively quick and painless death) in less than three years.
Do you choose the first or the second option?
If you chose the first one, would your answer be different if the second choice gave you five years to live? Ten?
If you chose the second one, would your answer be different if the first choice did not involve the media being informed of your bobbitization? How about if they offered a billion dollars instead of a measly ten million?
3 – The sexiest woman on the planet (or whoever fits that subjective description for you) offers herself to you, sexually, in every way, for an entire week straight. You can do whatever, whenever you want to. For an entire week. But in exchange you must shave a year off your life. In other words, instead of dying at 72, you would die exactly one year earlier, at 71.
Do you choose a week of incredible pleasure with Jenny McCarthy (or whoever)? Or not?
If not, would your answer be different if it was a full month instead?
If yes, would your answer be different if it was five years taken off your life?
As you can see, these are inane and seriously twisted questions. But, they certainly did elicit a lot of laughs and deep thoughts back when I was a kid. We had to utilize empathy to place ourselves in these positions. And, after answering, we had to defend our positions with logical arguments. And we also got to learn a little bit about ourselves and each other, both by what positions we originally took, and by how much incentive it would take to get us to change our minds.
So. Two requests for readers of this post:
1 – Please answer “hypos” 1, 2, and 3 in the comments below.
2 – Please let me know if you and your friends ever did anything similar when you were kids.[Unfortunately for the ladies, you cannot give an answer for number two, and number three requires flipping the genders around…] Powered by Sidelines