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Dude! Hypo…

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Back in high school, when we were bored and there didn’t seem to be anything topical to talk about, my buddies and I would sometimes ask each other totally random, apropos-of-nothing hypothetical questions. These questions were usually completely off-the-wall, and often rather crude, which of course was part of the point. It was a way to both find out more about your pals (and yourself), as well as to derive some sick, twisted humor.

We termed these hypothetical questions “hypos” for short.

The manner upon which they were brought up was usually after a semi-uncomfortable silence in which the conversation had obviously lagged.

Then someone would suddenly break the silence and say, “Dude! Hypo…” and then continue with some intricately-detailed scenario almost certainly formed in the nether-regions of his brain stem.

So, without further ado, here are a few of the more disturbing (and thought-provoking!) “hypos” our teenage minds came up with:

1 – You are offered one million dollars, tax-free, if you complete a simple task. You must go into a locked room with an adorable puppy. You must play (bond) with this puppy for a full 60 minutes. Then, you must remove one of its legs with your bare hands. In other words, it must be torn off, ripped from its flesh while it howls in pathetic agony.

Do you do it? How about for ten million? Is there any price?

2 – You are taken hostage by a group of deranged cultists. They offer you a choice. There are two options.

The first option is to have your penis cut off and thrown into a fire, while they videotape this horror. The tape will then be sent to all major media outlets. You will internationally become known as “the guy who had his dick chopped off and destroyed.” You will be the butt of jokes for the rest of your life, and you will never be able to have normal sexual intercourse ever again. On the bright side, they will pay you ten million dollars for your trouble.

The second option is to be released without harm. Your genitals remain intact. However, they promise you that one of their members will hunt you down and shoot you in the head at some undetermined date roughly 1000 days from now. In other words, no matter where you go or what you do, you are doomed to die (a relatively quick and painless death) in less than three years.

Do you choose the first or the second option?

If you chose the first one, would your answer be different if the second choice gave you five years to live? Ten?

If you chose the second one, would your answer be different if the first choice did not involve the media being informed of your bobbitization? How about if they offered a billion dollars instead of a measly ten million?

3 – The sexiest woman on the planet (or whoever fits that subjective description for you) offers herself to you, sexually, in every way, for an entire week straight. You can do whatever, whenever you want to. For an entire week. But in exchange you must shave a year off your life. In other words, instead of dying at 72, you would die exactly one year earlier, at 71.

Do you choose a week of incredible pleasure with Jenny McCarthy (or whoever)? Or not?

If not, would your answer be different if it was a full month instead?

If yes, would your answer be different if it was five years taken off your life?

As you can see, these are inane and seriously twisted questions. But, they certainly did elicit a lot of laughs and deep thoughts back when I was a kid. We had to utilize empathy to place ourselves in these positions. And, after answering, we had to defend our positions with logical arguments. And we also got to learn a little bit about ourselves and each other, both by what positions we originally took, and by how much incentive it would take to get us to change our minds.

So. Two requests for readers of this post:

1 – Please answer “hypos” 1, 2, and 3 in the comments below.

2 – Please let me know if you and your friends ever did anything similar when you were kids.

[Unfortunately for the ladies, you cannot give an answer for number two, and number three requires flipping the genders around…]
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About RJ

  • http://www.docofdiets.com dietdoc

    RJ writes: “Please answer “hypos” 1, 2, and 3 in the comments below.

    Reply:

    Hypo #1: Puppy’s leg goes, but $10 million would be the asking price.

    Hypo #2: I’d take the 1000 days with – regardless of media coverage. And how long I get to live after would be irrelevant.

    Hypo #3: Yes, but only if were 30 days off the life-expectancy or less

    No, I didn’t have such intellectual friends. I was not in a “hypo” group. Wish I had beed, but I wasn’t.

    Cheers,

    Ron

  • Shark

    Hypo:

    1) You’re locked in a room with RJ. You have to play with him, read his essays on Blogcritics, and generally “bond” with him. At the end of the 60 minutes spent with this “dude”, how much will you pay to remove one of his legs with your bare hands?

    2) You’re fifteen years old:

    2) You can spend a lot of time at the library, reading books on every subject, and then spend your late nights discussing poetry, the cosmos, and the meaning of life. At the end of that childhood, you become an intellectual liberal and are guaranteed a life of abject poverty and yet a heightened sense of meaning and self worth.

    b) Between masturbating and playing video games, you spend your youth doing “Hypos” with your semi-retarded high school friends — and when you become an adult, you join the Republican party, learn how to golf, go into the business world with hopes, dreams, and a massive sense of greed — and you end up a relatively wealthy somnambulent motard who doesn’t have a clue as to what life is all about.

    Which one do you choose?

    What if we threw in some potsmoke, a hot babe, and some ‘free love’ on the liberal side? Would that change your decision?

    Thanks in advance,
    The Management

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    “Hypo #1: Puppy’s leg goes, but $10 million would be the asking price.”

    Me, I don’t think I could do it, man. Ten million would surely give me pause, and maybe I would go into the room with the intention to carry it out, but I just don’t think I could do it…

    “Hypo #2: I’d take the 1000 days with – regardless of media coverage. And how long I get to live after would be irrelevant.”

    Pretty much the same with me. Life just wouldn’t be much fun w/o a dick…

    “Hypo #3: Yes, but only if were 30 days off the life-expectancy or less”

    Oh, I’d go for it, even with the full year. I mean, I’m sure I’d have regrets as I got older…but imagine what a wonderful week that would be, covered 24/7 in Angelina Jolie’s sweat…

    “No, I didn’t have such intellectual friends. I was not in a “hypo” group. Wish I had beed, but I wasn’t.”

    Hmm. I never thought of us as intellectuals, just guys with a kooky sense of humor and a wild imagination…

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    Hilarious parody, Shark! But, please keep in mind – I don’t play golf… 😉

  • http://adamantsun.blogspot.com Steve S

    1) I could never do that.
    2) I would take the 1,000 days and then go into hiding.
    3) I would choose the years at the end of my life over sex anyday. Sex is fun but not worth dying for. A thought many of us have to consider seriously, not just as a hypo.

    And yes, we thought up shit like this all the time. But not such violent hypos.

    Here’s a twist on number 3 for you. You can have sex with anyone for TWO weeks straight, however you want it, but at the end of the two weeks, your orientation changes permanently. Would you do it?

  • http://victorplenty.blogspot.com Victor Plenty

    Everything I need to know about handling extreme situations, I learned from video games and action movies. So:

    1) Rescue all the puppies, kill the psychopaths who set up this choice, take all their money and donate it to the Humane Society.

    2) Escape from the deranged cultists, kill them all, take all their money and donate it to prostate cancer research.

    (Luckily I’m not in a Hong Kong action flick. That would mean I’d only be able to do this as revenge after they cut off my wang. Sometimes it’s good to be an American.)

    3) Rescue all the incredibly sexy women, wipe out the entire international secret organization forcing them into this bizarre situation, take all of its money and donate it to the League of Women Voters.

    Yep, that’s what I would do. Definitely.

    Oh, yeah, almost forgot. If one of the super-attractive women wanted to have dinner with me, I’d probably seriously consider it.

  • ThatSucked

    1) No. No. No. Puppy stays intact.

    2) The second option. I will be waiting with gun.

    3) Yes. Duh. 5 years – No.

  • chip

    1.) Stick a fork in that puppy’s leg, it’s done; but like the native americans, I would pledge to use the entire puppy: accordingly his meat would feed my people, his fur used to keep my balding head warm, his nails used to make glue, and his teeth would make for an excellent necklace. Not only would I have 10 million dollars, but the plentyful and valuable bounty of the puppy carcass.

    2.) Give me my penis or give me death.

    3.) I would probably shave a year off of my life if and only if I weren’t married.

    ————————————-

    my hypo:

    You die. Then you find that there is an eternal afterlife after all, but its not quite what you had imagined. There is a god, but he is mostly evil; and there is a devil, and he is mostly good. Let us say that God is slightly winning the struggle for power, thus he doesn’t see your value much — he offers you a position of slavery in his superior army. The devil is slightly losing the struggle but he offers you a position of a free man with with opportunity for advancement in his army. If you join the devil’s army and his army loses, you will be thrown into the lake of oblivion by God — the end. If the devil wins, but you are on God’s side you will be destroyed, but reincarnated with no memory of the past. Which side do you choose?

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    “Here’s a twist on number 3 for you. You can have sex with anyone for TWO weeks straight, however you want it, but at the end of the two weeks, your orientation changes permanently. Would you do it?”

    No way. Would you?

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ

    “You die. Then you find that there is an eternal afterlife after all, but its not quite what you had imagined. There is a god, but he is mostly evil; and there is a devil, and he is mostly good. Let us say that God is slightly winning the struggle for power, thus he doesn’t see your value much — he offers you a position of slavery in his superior army. The devil is slightly losing the struggle but he offers you a position of a free man with with opportunity for advancement in his army. If you join the devil’s army and his army loses, you will be thrown into the lake of oblivion by God — the end. If the devil wins, but you are on God’s side you will be destroyed, but reincarnated with no memory of the past. Which side do you choose?”

    It’s a simple cost-benefit analysis to me.

    I would prefer slavery on the winning side (and the potential for a positive reincarnation if I’m on the losing side) over eternal damnation and hellfire, with the slight hope of being a “free man” whatever the hell that is worth these days… :-/

  • Shark

    “…you will be destroyed, but reincarnated with no memory of the past.”

    Isn’t that the same as being destroyed?

    Just wonderin’.

    =======

    PS: I always choose to be on the side of the good guy — no matter what the consequences.

    And as with Life — in your hypothetical — I’m not able to figure out who is the Good Guy.

    …So I guess I’d be on the side of whichever provides long term health care benefits.

    ..or the most comfortable *uniforms.

    * wool is way too hot and scratchy, especially in Hell.