Dear James Dolan,
We have a brief but heartfelt plea. For the good of the nation, please don’t fire Isiah Thomas as your head Knick. At least, don’t do so this season.
We know this had been your plan already and you are such a strong businessman that you had no intentions of straying from this plan anyway. Still, it’s important that you stay the course at all costs.
Sure, there are the tangible benefits to keeping Isiah around. He’ll keep losing, for it is his best skill. Your chances at O.J. Mayo or another high draft pick increase with each blank stare into space he produces during a 12-1 run by that night’s opponent. All well and good, yes.
There’s also the nightly distraction he provides from fingering you as the chief architect of the destruction of a once-proud franchise. As a clown, only Joe Pesci or perhaps Emmett Kelly could do better in New York.
Still, there’s one other reason to keep Isiah installed as front man for your failings for at least a few more months. The New York Giants just pulled a highly improbable series of upset victories off that have brought them to beautiful Glendale, Arizona, and the Super Bowl.
Since the New England Patriots were already installed as the AFC champions for the Super Bowl (wait, they made the Patriots play the games? How cruel!), the sports fans of the United States of America are forced to endure the umpteenth clash of the East Coast Titans: New York versus Boston!
We have nothing to look forward to now but two solid football-free weeks of New Yorkers and New Englanders boasting and fighting and running the betting lines in Vegas to untold new heights. Ad execs from across this great land have been rubbing the fabric in the crotch of their pants until it frays in anticipation of the Nielsen numbers since the possibility presented itself a week ago.
How does this affect you, Jimmy? If you replace Isiah Thomas with a more competent leader (say, any collection of three items on your desk lashed together with rubber bands and given an impromptu name like ‘Squishy’), the Knicks could weasel their way into the NBA playoffs and blow their chance at one of those top draft picks.
Worse for the rest of us, though, the Boston Celtics could continue their tear through the Eastern Conference, setting up a first round matchup between… Boston and New York. It would go seven games. It would never end. It would be the worst Night Gallery episode ever.
So think of us, Jimmy boy, and keep Isiah right where he belongs: at your side, pointing at the iceberg you two have just bounced the Knicks’ ship off for the seventh time. Keep shouting, “Full speed ahead; we’ll get through this time!” Please do this for us, Jimmy, because we can’t get through another trip down Boston and New York Avenues. Give us just a few months off.