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Dodgeball: Worst Movie Ever

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I fully expected nothing but quality when I went to see Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. As it turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. This was an exercise in pure and utter ridiculousness, and frankly, I want my time and money back. I expected this movie to do for me what Backdraft did for firemen. I wanted it to paint dodgeball in the same glowing light that Top Gun showered pilots with. I wanted it to give every person a chance like those drillers, turned cosmonauts in Armageddon. All I got was mockery of one of the greatest competitive sports of our time, next to Rock-Paper-Scissors, competitive eating, badminton and lawn darts.

Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn were the “stars” of this “movie.” I personally have never seen a worse portrayal of characters ever. Stiller was amateurish in his portrayal of world-class gym owner, White Goodman and Vaughn looked like he didn’t even want to be there in his attempt to capture the character of Peter Le Fleur. What is with that character’s name anyway? Is this a movie about dodgeball, or some movie about failed hockey players? Stiller looked like he was pumped up on roids and his facial expressions were just a caricature. Mr. Stiller, it is called “acting.” You know that word that constantly preceded “like an idiot” while you were growing up? And Mr. Vaughn, it is a good thing that Cabin Boy was already made because you wouldn’t stand a chance in hell of getting a part in that relative masterpiece. Chris Elliott, Pauly Shore, Carrott Top and Brendan Frasier will one day spit on your grave.

There were many cameos that added absolutely nothing to the story. Lance Armstrong showed up for a moment, along with world-renowned paintball hawker, William Shatner. Shatner was apparently using the announcer from the All Valley tournament in Karate Kid as inspiration for his 3 seconds in this movie. I would have been happy if John Creese and the evil Cobra Kai gang headed by Johnny, had shown up to kick his ass after witnessing that performance. The only saving grace was television’s David Hasselhoff who proved yet again why he was so successful with Knight Rider, and Baywatch. His acting was pure brilliance. Unfortunately, given the final result, he is going to have to leave this off of his credit sheet.

While all of these things were bad, the thing that really bugged me about this movie were the dodgeball scenes. It was overly stupid every time a match would start when the referree would point to center court, knees bent and “dramatically” yell “DODGEBALL!” I didn’t believe it for a second. Anyone who has ever played dodgeball knows that the game starts with a blow of the whistle. I don’t know who wrote this “script” but they couldn’t have known any less about their topic.

This brings me to the dodgeball “action.” I thought Matt Damon was bad in The Legend of Bagger Vance at the portrayed sport when I saw his dying duck of a golf swing. Move over mister Vance. Every single throw, dive, catch and dodge looked fake. Vince Vaughn threw as well as my grandmother with her opposite hand. Stiller was so busy making goofy faces in his poorly conceived character to let the audience suspend disbelief for even a second and think he was actually playing this sport. Not only were these throws horrendous, but then when Kate Veatch, the character played by Stiller’s wife Christine Taylor, threw the ball underhand, people went flying? I don’t think so. She has never played dodgeball and it was painfully obvious.

Last but not least, we have the kicker. The other things were bad, and I could have overlooked them all if it hadn’t been for this last fact. Two teams started from two gyms and not only just began playing in a matter of days, but made it to the final match at the tournament? This is an insult to dodgeball playing people everywhere. Many have sacrificed over the years to get the sport to where it is today. Many a fat, uncoordinated student in gym class has paid the ultimate price so champions could shine and achieve their potential in the sport of attack and flee. And to take a bunch of upstart losers and make them not only competitive, but capable of getting to the final match? Just too much to take.

So at the end of the day, we are left with what? I have a list for you. Top Gun, Backdraft, The Mighty Ducks, and finally, Over the Top. All either great inspirational movies or great sports movies. (Over the Top was both.) These were the molds which I expected to be filled by a movie with the secondary title of “A True Underdog Story.” That isn’t what I got.

Maybe next time, they will give David Hasselhoff the substantial role he deserves.

Oh, and by the way, don’t bother to stay to the very very end of the credits because that little surprise sucked too.

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About Craig Lyndall

  • http://www.maybeiamwrong.blogspot.com Lono

    dude,

    I am gravely concerned for you. First off, it was a Ben Stiller movie… which means it is stupid satire. I like Ben Stiller, but would NEVER pay $10 a person to see his movies. Everything Ben Stiller does screams ‘renter’ to me… meaning I’ll wait 3 months until it comes out on Netflix.

    As for Vince Vaughn… I have never seen him not be hilarious and over the top. But, if you expected a moving tale/ documentary about Dodgeball, then you are the one they are making fun of the whole time.

  • http://none.com Bob A. Booey

    I think a movie that doesn’t take itself seriously is automatically disqualified from the “worst movie ever” title. There are plenty of horrible, shlocky dramas and grandiose; self-indulgent would-be epics to claim that title; so much horrible, manipulative sentimental Hollywood sap. And then there are mind-numbing assaults on the human spirit like Pearl Harbor that insult your intelligence and dignity at every moment.

    A possible exception to this rule is the “satire” of police comedies known as Double Trouble — look it up. I saw it really late on TV the other night and it had two really bad meat-head, bodybuilder twins (David and Peter Paul, I think?) who were tough cops. Worst movie I’ve ever seen. Worst acting, but it was entertaining because it was so bad and so 80s cliched. Classic.

    I haven’t seen Dodgeball, but I’m sure it’s not that bad.

  • http://www.filteringcraig.com Craig Lyndall

    Were the David Hasselhoff compliments too subtle?

    I wanted it to do for dodgeball what Top Gun did for pilots?

  • Chris Kent

    I’m sorry, but the worst film ever is Armageddon. Without a doubt, without even a moment’s breath, that it is worst film in history. I needed therapy for several months after sitting through that vile piece of shit. A close second would be Timeline.

    Any post that references Over the Top must be swimming in the realms of satire….

  • http://www.filteringcraig.com Craig Lyndall

    Thanks Chris. I thought the Over the Top reference was hilarious. I guess sometimes I write to crack myself up.

  • http://www.shortstrangetrip.org Joe

    I thought the reference to the Cobra Kai dojo was inspired, too.

  • http://www.unproductivity.com Tom Johnson

    I guess I must be the only one who picked up that Craig’s review was done in a mock-serious tone.

    And Chris, I’ll gladly join you in stating that Armageddon is the worst film of all time. I don’t care if the film makers claim they were purposely making it “over the top,” it was horrible, painful, excruciating cinema.

    Say what you want about Over The Top, but you have to agree with me when I say it was, without a doubt, the greatest film about both arm-wrestling and truck-driving ever made.

  • http://www.foliage.com/~marks Mark Saleski

    oh, i picked up on the tone alright…but i’m still in shock that anybody paid real money to see this thing.

  • http://www.unproductivity.com Tom Johnson

    I’ll agree with you there, Mark. I’ve just had enough with Stiller’s characters – they’ve all melded into one charicature for me with only slight variations between. I know, I know, this one plays dodgeball, but they all seem like the same schtick anymore. Yawn.

  • http://www.foliage.com/~marks Mark Saleski

    it’s such a mystery…what makes us laugh.

    adam sandler also recycles the ‘adam sander character’…but it still makes me laugh. and of course i’ve got no idea why, it just does.

  • http://www.filteringcraig.com Craig Lyndall

    A mystery it is… writing this article I was laughing hysterically… apparently I was about the only one… present company excluded.

  • http://www.resonation.ca Jim Carruthers

    Craig, the Hanson brothers want to have a little discussion about sports movies with you, just down that alley. Go along, it’s okay.

  • mike

    dear craig, this is the funniest movie i have ever seen, and you are the most pathetic person ever. i laughed hysterically at your lame review you whiny baby.

  • oliver

    dear craig, you have a vagina

  • tom cruise

    the top gun thing was my favorite as long as “craig has a vagina” lines go

  • craig’s wife

    my husband has a vagina which makes him not see movies well threrefore he cannot interpret them i am deeply sorry for craigs vagina

  • craig’s doctor

    this is your doctor craig jsut informing you that your vagina checkup will be on august 18th at 12 o’clock
    thank you

  • http://www.pussy.com Craig

    Bitch i told you not to use the internet….this computer is only for writing lame reviews and masturbating…
    p.s. thank you for the reminder doc

  • http://www.filteringcraig.com Craig Lyndall

    Are you sure you got the jokes in the movie? This review was also a joke. Thanks for stopping in. I said that Over the Top was a great movie. I said I wanted dodgeball to do for me what Top Gun did for pilots. Get your head out of your stupid ass. And I had my vagina checkup last week.

  • http://www.gwbush.blogspot.com RJ Elliott

    Uh oh!

    Craig’s all hopped-up on goofballs tonight! :]

  • shawn jones

    You clearly have no sense of humor or imagination! You saw previews for the movie, and if it looked so bad then why did you go and see it? I my self enjoyed the movie to it’s fullest and will buy it the day it comes out. Get a life pal and when you do, maybe you appriciate a good laugh when you see one!!!

  • http://www.filteringcraig.com Craig Lyndall

    Sarcasm. It wasn’t the best, but it was sarcasm. Dodgeball was a riot.

  • http://www.freewebs.com NAYR

    you wanna see a REAL bad movie…rent Diamondbacks.

    I went to see dodgeball and i thought it was funny. Im buying the dvd as soon as it comes out. it wasnt supposed to be serious its a comedy.

  • http://www.mondoirlando.com Aaron, Duke De Mondo

    heheheh craig, that was just about as subtle a piss take as a fella could scribble. kudos, good sir. I have a feeling you find Dodgeball as agreeable as The Duke did, although i don’t think it’s a quotable as Zoolander.
    Good stuff.

  • http://mail.yahoo.com/ bob

    NO YOU ARE ALL WRONG….THE WORST MOVIE EVER WAS ‘THE MILLION DOLLAR HOTEL’ ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Matt

    are you kidding? Dodgeball was hucking filarious!

  • Amanda

    I had recieved the movie for a christmas gift, and i personally thought is was the greatest amount of wasted money, the movie had no point, it was the dumbest movie i have EVER seen, and would reccamend NOBODY to see it, i love how you put the movie…i swear i dont know why it was i hit ..at all, so all you guys that went and saw it, GET A FLIPPIN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

  • amanda

    and hahaha…those vagina jokes….good props to you bud!!!!

  • http://w6daily.winn.com/ Phillip Winn

    Craig, you are an under-appreciated satirical genius, and you’ve made me want to rent Dodgeball. Kudos to you!

    P.S. Care to guess the age of the person with MPD responsible for a collection of these comments? I’ll say… 13? 14, tops.

  • Stuart

    Is this a joke? This movie is a comedy! Who would go to a comedy hoping for it to portray dodgeball as being some great sport that everyone is just giddy to play. Dodgeball is a highschool PE game and whoever takes this sport seriously has problems. The movie was quite funny becuase it was so stupid that it made you laugh. Loosen up and allow yourself to laugh at something that is stupid.

  • http://www.filteringcraig.com Craig Lyndall

    It is a joke, in fact.

    Loved the movie.

  • http://www.templeofdagon.net Marty Dodge

    Armageddon worst movie ever? You haven’t seen many films then…there are far worse. Might be the worse blockbuster ever…

    Funny review…

  • http://the-between.blogspot.com/ Joel Caris

    I suspected something was up with the first sentence, Craig, and I had the joke by the time you mentioned Backdraft. I really hope some of these people just started yelling at you without actually reading the entry. The alternative frightens me.

    On a serious note, I was actually surprised at how funny Dodgeball. I rented it not expecting much, but I guess I shouldn’t doubt Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. It was quite funny.

    “Go Balls Deep” alone was worth the rental. That’s classic.

  • Annette

    what are you the citizen kane of movie reviews??? it was just a fun movie it wasn’t expected to be made with gone with the wind in mind. there aren’t that many movies made about dodgeball so it’s just fun to watch

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com Eric Berlin

    Are there any movies that are “about” Dodgeball except for… Dodgeball?

    Billy Madison has a pretty rad scene, with The Ramones playing as soundtrack.

  • Big Jim

    Craig, you are a moron. What in the heck did you expect? It was a movie about freakin dodgeball. How can you take that seriously? I mean, Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn were the casting stars. How could you have ever had a glimpse of light in your mind telling you that the movie was going to be serious? What are you, some 12 year old kid thats taking offense to the movie because he thinks Dodgeball is a serious sport? Shut up you freakin pansie.

  • Matt

    IT IS NOT THE WORST MOVIE EVER!!! It is a actaul and very good story and a happy ending. BUt everybody has there own apinion and ovibsioy you made the wrong opinion and I’m here to correct your opinion for anybody out there who wants to buy or rent the movie and I hop they try it out because one of the chracters really changes their apprence and you will have you watch it to find out P.S BEST MOVIE I HAVE SEEN IN THE CATEGORY!!!!!

  • http://fuckyou go fuck your sellfe

    the movie was great………..and i lovite..
    …….

  • Billy Bob

    right well, hmmmmmmm wateva u say. Frankly I will ignore what u’ve said because Dodgeball has got to have been 1 of the best movies EVER!!!!!! It was fantastic and I couldnt stop larfing! As it includes the fit Christine Taylor i was glued as she is unbelievably hot! 10/10

  • sfdgs

    sounds like you all forgot this was a comedy…

  • Lulwut

    This is a joke, right? Please tell me this article is a joke

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