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Disadvantages Of Having A Robot Wife

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The Magical Hanukkahtime Section Variety Hour is an eight-day cruise through every section at BC Magazine except the one where the author has any knowledge whatsoever. On the eighth and final evening: BC Sci/Tech!

Earlier this year, I came across a series of rather unsettling predictions by noted computer nerd Ray Kurzweil in his book The Age of Spiritual Machines, published nine years ago, saying that in 2019, "Human-robot relationships begin as simulated personalities become more convincing." Ten years later, he concludes that we'll have a discussion on whether or not robots should be bestowed the same rights as human beings. Can they vote? Can they own handguns? Is it immoral for them to have the Ten Commandments stored on them in a public setting?

While some of his predictions for the future seem really apocalyptic (the world will turn into a giant supercomputer, which I'm guessing would make Twitter an official medical disease), his theory of human-robot relationships seems the geekiest. While he's probably talking about friendships, any relationship should have the potential to blossom into loveless, sexless marriage. Of course, first they have to fight for the right to legalize robo-marriage ("We're here, we're engineered, get used to it")

So here is the pre-emptive bigoted list of reasons I am against robo-marriage, especially since there are tons of reasons nobody would want an artificial wife:

• It was already tough enough to argue with human women. Try getting past "You can't watch the football game because an unexpected error says so."

• Your friends will soon find a video of your wife taking several external drives at once, shaming you at work.

• It will be tough to mate, especially since her ovaries will be Linux-based.

• She will have wi-fi, but she will only pick up that annoying Puppy Cam.

• Looking for solace in the bathroom? I don't think a locked door will help you much in escaping her. Have you learned nothing from Sam Waterston? Robots can break through bathroom locks because they're made of metal, and robots are strong.

• Piggybacking on the previous item, your robot wife will probably kill your grandparents.

• If you do mate, you will have to worry about your half-robot child sleeping around in high school, then you have to worry about STDs and spyware.

• If you thought human nagging was bad, just wait until you endure the for-loop.

• You'd be just like this guy. And if you're anything like that guy, your robot wife will look like a 12-year-old Japanese girl, and that's just wrong.

(Note: article void if read by Gary Glitter)

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About Suss

  • Jet

    I don’t know how I transcribed that wrong, the lyrics should read “She has a heart OF stone”

  • Jason

    I’ll take my chances. Anything is better than a human woman.

  • Jet

    I don’t think you’d be able to tell the difference Joanne if he’s the typical husband.

    Paraphrased from above…

    He is the latest in technology
    Almost mythology
    But he has a heart stone
    He has an i.q. of 1001
    He has a jumpsuit on
    He’s also a telephone.

  • What if it’s the husband that’s the robot?

  • Dan

    Bring back the Daily Suss.

  • Jet

    Electric Light Orchestra
    “I love you 2095”

    2095, 2095, 2095, 2095
    I love you, sincerely
    Yours truly, yours truly…

    I sent a message to another time
    But as the days unwind,
    this I just cant believe
    I sent a note across another plane
    Maybe its all a game,
    but this I just can’t conceive.

    Can you hear me?

    I drive the very latest hovercar
    I don’t know where you are
    But I miss you so much till then
    I met someone who looks a lot like you
    She does the things you do
    But she is an I.B.M.

    2095, 2095, 2095, 2095
    I love you, sincerely
    Yours truly, yours truly…

    Shes only programmed to be very nice
    But she’s as cold as ice
    Whenever I get too near
    She tells me that she likes me very much
    But when I try to touch
    She makes it all too clear.

    She is the latest in technology
    Almost mythology
    But she has a heart stone
    She has an i.q. of 1001
    She has a jumpsuit on

    She’s also a telephone.

    2095, 2095, 2095, 2095
    I love you, sincerely
    Yours truly, yours truly…

    Is that what you want? (is it what you want? )
    Is it what you really want? (is it what you really want? )
    Is that what you want? (is it what you want? )
    Is it what you really want?

    I realize that it must seem so strange
    That time has rearranged
    But time has the final word
    She knows I think of you, she reads my mind
    She tries to be unkind
    She knows nothing of our world

    Although her memory banks overflow
    No one would ever know
    For all she says: “is that what you want?
    Maybe one day I;ll feel her cold embrace
    And kiss her interface
    til then, Ill leave her alone.

    I love you, sincerely
    Yours truly, yours truly…

    Repeat chorus:

    Is that what you want?

  • “take her in for a little re-programming”

    I believe that’s called a Scientology marriage. Also:

    “If we make the same dumb mistake like we did with human women of giving them equal rights”


  • I’m now having visions of Frank Zappa’s human-android relationships from Joe’s Garage. It looks like a Telefunken U47. With rubber? And leather – you’ll LOVE it.

    The robo-wife thing could work out very bad, or very good. If we make the same dumb mistake like we did with human women of giving them equal rights, and especially of letting them vote, then we’re in for the dismal future Suss suspects.

    On the other hand, under normal human-computer master-slave conditions, it’s mostly all good. If she’s getting difficult, just accidentally disconnect her power supply during sex – so she don’t see it coming – and then take her in for a little re-programming. That’d be MUCH easier to work with than any human woman I’ve known.