Let’s see what they’ve got on John Kerry so far.
1) He looks like Herman Munster.
Good start. I’m surprised no one’s noticed he also looks like Officer Muldoon. (Note to Karl Rove: You can use that).
Yesterday, blogger Eric Olsen riffed on Kerry’s high school band, the Electras. The boys cut a record, made 500 copies, and actually sold one recently on eBay for $2,500. Kerry, who played bass, was barely remembered by the other band members, which is the mark of a good bass player. Musically, it’s a thankless job: you stand in the shadows and thump — yet the stories of what young girls want to do to bass players are too common for coincidence, and thank God, or there would be no bass players.
The Europeans are impressed. Until now, they thought Kerry was “aloof.” Now the EU CW says he’s “one of us.” This is the kind of self-image that will keep Europe playing oompa to America’s accordion for generations to come.
If John Kerry had stopped growing in high school, his bass-playing days would be just another historical liner note. But Kerry has always been a renaissance man. He recently began training for classical guitar — the kind played by Segovia, strung with catgut and nylon, with frets the size of Oklahoma, Nebraska and Kansas on which only certain tunes can be played that require sheet music, key signatures and the ability to sense a run of sixteenth notes three measures ahead. There are only two types of Americans who play classical guitar: those who live in Europe, and those with an insatiable drive to prove they’re better than us. So the Euros got it wrong.
The buzz is the man is good, and apparently he’s happy to play for anyone anytime — the problem is getting him to stop. Let Leno deal with that. I’m just happy it’s not a saxophone. Or a tuba.
Meanwhile, let’s check the competition. What does George play?
Unfairly. While Congress slept he pushed through another radical neocon federal judge with an agenda. This is twice now. A “flagrant abuse of presidential power,” as Ted Kennedy called it, but hey. What else about JFK? According to this, lots!
He flies the plane between campaign stops, and he doesn’t dress up for it!
He kills and eats doves. Yes, the kind that brought the olive branch to Noah, the kind that protests wars, all wars, that considers testosterone to be poison. The kind that Republicans like to vilify. He shoots ‘em, guts ‘em, cleans ‘em, eats ‘em, smacks his lips and says, “I love dove.” That’s an actual quote.
Chutzpah? Loads. At the age of 26, with a Bronze Star, Silver Star and three Purple Hearts he was spokesman for Vietnam Veterans Against the War when he calmly stood before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and wondered: “How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?”
He writes his own speeches. Or at least a phrase here and there, which scares his handlers, who fear he’ll get off-message, which is the mark of intelligence and the kiss of death to the votes of people who pay someone else to do their thinking. Christians, who pay the most, are particularly wary of these types.
This is not to say that Kerry has kerracter of the sort one gains from semi-professional cheerleading or competitive drinking. Kerry can’t cut the profile in courage of a George Bush, for example, who risked his father’s reputation to avoid war, service and sobriety. While young George Bush was busy defining the values of a generation, Kerry was learning how to speak English without a German accent, the kommy. (Note to Ann Coulter: You can use that).
Kerry a Kommunist? Nah! I’m blogging. You know. Like Matt Drudge. (Note to Drudge: you’re a transsexual?) The truth is that Kerry wasn’t even in America during his formative years — he was in post-war Europe. His father was an American diplomat based in Berlin, which, just a few years before, was home to Hitler. John went to a Swiss boarding school; the train that brought him home went right through communist Berlin. “Your blinds had to be down as you traveled through the forbidden east sector,” he recalls. “I’d peek, pick up the blinds. Soldiers would rap with their gun barrel — you have to pull down the shades.” He was 11 years old.
Could John Kerry be the first Alpha President since Abraham Lincoln? Or will he just be another late-hour loser? Obviously the correct answer is b). Because none of this has anything to do with abortion or same-sex marriage or family values. Kerry’s just another old hippie with hobbies.
But Edwards… Edwards has the smoothest skin. And that matters on tv.