Lead: The first person to throw rocks on a team.
There should be a rule in journalism where if a writer is stuck in Chicago O’Hare airport for more than eight hours on a given day, then recovers his lost luggage two days later, he is not responsible for any subsequent errors in his next published article.
Second: The second person to throw rocks on a team.
Last year, “Jerome Bettis is from Detroit” was the story line lodged in Joe Sportsnewsconsumer’s gullet, no doubt rammed in there by every reporter in the nation. This year it’s “Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are black head coaches.”
Yeah, I know ESPN.com Page 2 writer DJ Gallo wrote this next line. I don’t care. It’s gold and I’m stealing it: “I’m afraid it won’t do much to change the hearts and minds of close-minded bigots … Once Super Bowl XLI ends, African-American coaches will only have a .500 record in the Super Bowl. And .500 just doesn’t cut it in today’s NFL.”
Lindsay Jacobellis has the lead in a gold medal snowboarding race going into the final jump. Stop me if you’ve heard this before.
But unlike last year’s Winter Olympics in which Jacobellis showboated her way to a crash ‘n burn, leaving her with a silver medal, Jacobellis flat out fell on the final jump in this year’s Winter X Games, again rolling across the finish line for a second place finish. But for me she gets bonus points because on the final jump she went through both Bill Buckner’s legs and Tony Romo’s hands.
Bury: Description of a rock that is completely behind another rock.
I’m glad Barbaro’s dead. He should have died long ago.
No, I don’t hate Barbaro. Nor am I a hater of animals*. But, like the tarot card which shares its name, death represents change. The daily Barbaro update is cleansed from the Associated Press wire. The incessant stream of letters and hackneyed poetry from Barbaro’s Army has hit a blockade.
But most of all, the poor horse isn’t in pain anymore.
In fact, all those so-called “animal lovers” were hoping to prolong his life for some reason. I was the one who wanted to end his pain and suffering. I’m the animal lover in this instance. They are the ones who really hated Barbaro. Yes, even the guy who says he wants to name his first son after Barbaro.
* — I say this only because you cannot disprove it.
Hammer: The final rock of the end.
Randy Johnson signed an extension with the Diamondbacks. Curt Schilling goes back on his word and says he will actually pitch in 2008. Roger Clemens wants to pitch next year. Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, Jamie Moyer, Kenny Rogers, Kevin Brown, and David Wells are all gonna be back in Aught Seven.
So, do pitchers still retire from baseball? Or did that fad leave the game along with vested uniforms?
Many of those 40-year-old pitching mainstays are safe bets to be enshrined in “The Hoaf.” The pitchers that actually retire are ones you didn’t even know were around anymore, like Jeff Nelson. Or they retired at a relatively young age, like 33-year-old Brad Radke.
There’s no doubt these pitchers all have the fire and desire to compete, but I question if they have any ammo left in the arsenal.
Batters seem to know when to quit. It’s when they see the lineup card and they’re batting seventh behind the utility infielder who hasn’t hit a home run since Little League. The exception to this rule is Julio Franco, 48 years young, who shall continue to play until he is a pile of bone dust. And even then, he will still be available to pinch-hit.
Retiring early adds mystery to one’s legacy. It gets one into the Hall of Fame sooner. Going out on top a la The Police Arrested Development is the way to go. Also, you know who had the right idea? Barbaro.