I have had problems in my life since as long as I can remember. My parents died when I was young, I was sexually abused as a child, I never lived in a place for more than two years, and I ran away at 16. However, I remained a fairly happy child through all this.
Now, as an adult, I'm constantly fighting fits of depression or incredible anger. One moment I'm fine, the next I'm blowing up at my husband because he pronounced a word wrong (or something else small like that). I feel like I'm never truly happy and I don't know how it that is, now that I have everything I've wanted for so long (a family and security).
I also have a tendency to pretty much live in the past. I just can't let it go. Is there something wrong with me or is it part of my destiny to suffer?
No, I don't think it is your destiny to suffer, I think it's your destiny to heal and beyond that to help others heal. Who better for that than you? With your vast experience of suffering you are uniquely positioned, don't you think? I do. But let me address some of these other things.
Your experience is common for survivors of abuse. That is, it's when you finally get yourself to a place where you have a modicum of security that the shit hits the fan. Prior to this time, you are functioning in some sort of survival mode. Functioning highly too, something you should be proud of. But now it's time to heal.
Think of it like a broken bone. Or in your case, twelve or fourteen broken bones. And at the time they were broken, there was no help available. So what happens?
What happens is they heal all jacked up. And you absolutely will walk around like that for the rest of your life it you do not get treatment. Make sense?
So basically you have to go in and re-break these bones. And that's going to hurt. But once broken, your limbs and various parts can be set with the loving care you deserved the first time around. This time when you heal, it will be for real and for permanent.
So obviously I think you need to find a counselor. However, I also think your prognosis is excellent and I'll tell you why. It's because your problems are so profound. This serves you and I will explain:
You're 21 and find yourself in this very painful place. And you think your peers, the other 21 year old girls out there do not have to deal with problems of your ilk. And you're right! Most of them still have their parents, for starters. So they have no idea what you cope with on a daily basis. But here's the trick.
It's because your problems are so large that you are finding that you are simply going to have to deal with them. You're just not going to be able to function if you don't and so off you go to therapy to emerge in a year or two or three (or whatever it takes, because you're worth it), feeling whole and healed. And meanwhile, what about your peers?
I'll tell you what happens to them. They suffer at a low level. It's not quite enough to send them to therapy, though. They can fake it, see? And fake it they do, until they are thirty or forty or fifty and this is when it hits them. "Crap! I just lived my whole life compromised!" And at that point it's too late. Too late to get that 30 years back, that is.
Meanwhile, you've spent the last 30 years, on your feet, knowing who and what you are and living true, all courtesy of the investment you made in your 20s. So you've got Saturn conjunct your Sun in Scorpio and that is exactly how you should think of it too. Invest in your psychological health.
And just remember this: Every curse is a gift… in exact proportion.
Much love and good luck.Powered by Sidelines