Batting Around is BC Sports' look back at the week's happenings in the world o' sports, presented in a lineup card format for some undisclosed reason.
The Lineup Card
1. KR Eddie Drummond — Why do I have this feeling that after the Detroit Lions released their star return man, he'll land with another team and score a touchdown against Detroit this season?
2. D Gabriel Heinze — The former Manchester United defender signed a four-year deal with Real Madrid, as opposed to the fake Madrid. I have absolutely no idea if it's a good thing or bad thing, but this Rafael Benitez guy says it's a good thing, and I'm inclined to believe him, because he and Heinze share a lot of the same letters in their last names.
3. SS John McDonald — This guy's been making some rather sweet defensive plays this week, and all of Canada appears to be aflutter over their Jays' exciting shortstop. But maybe that's because his name is eerily similar to the country's first prime minister, John MacDonald. To be fair, America would have a torrid love affair with a Dallas Cowboys quarterback named George Washington.
4. SP Micah Owings — Yeah, he's good enough to hit cleanup. Over the weekend, the Arizona Diamondbacks starting pitcher went 4-for-5 with two home runs and six RBI in a win over the Atlanta Braves. But unlike Atlanta's slugger, Owings doesn't have two fans writing tribute songs in his honor.
5. SF Eddie Griffin — How does one go from a hilarious punch line to a tragic case? Dying after driving into a moving train, that's how. The troubled former Timberwolves forward was previously known for the "porn DUI." Way to ruin our fun, Eddie.
6. SG Stephon Marbury — The New York Knicks, famous for being a superstar on losing teams, tried to defend Michael Vick without condoning his behavior, and settled on "from what I hear, dogfighting is a sport." Later, he said we all took him out of context. Okay then.
7. DT Marques Slocum — At some point, I knew we'd find an athlete not named Gilbert Arenas with an absolutely brilliant knack for the comedic arts. Enter: a Facebook interview with himself. When asked if he liked bananas, his answer: do u
I wish I thought of that retort when it mattered most. I'll get you next time, Judge Judy.
8. CF Michael Rando — Few baseball games in the major leagues have ended so dramatically as the opening game in the Little League World Series, when — with 2 outs in the final inning — Walpole, Massachusetts' Rando perfectly timed his leaping catch at the wall to rob Hamilton, Ohio's John Cornett of a potential 2-run walk off home run. The kids from Hamilton, deservedly so, began crying. When there are plenty of tears in a LLWS game, you know it was special.
9. CL Jonathan Papelbon — The lights-out Red Sox closer has a new pitch, a mix of a slider and cut-fastball. He calls it the "slutter." You should see how quickly it goes down on opposing batters. Finishes them off mighty quickly.
Coach: John Elway — His son Jack is now a starting quarterback in high school. And for his senior year, what better way to add no pressure at all by having your Hall of Fame quarterback father become your quarterbacks coach?
This will end well.
"Son, it's 10 p.m. Put down that Xbox 360 and read your playbook."
"Fuck you, dad."