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Detective Robert Goren: Words Yet To Be Spoken

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This series is a form of creative writing known as fan fiction. Detective Robert Goren is a regular character on the Dick Wolf television show Law & Order: Criminal Intent. What follows is one longtime viewer’s breath of life into an already popular character.

I know that it seems crazy insane for me to EVER see my mother and Nicole Wallace in one another. I do realize how, oh, probably evil it sounds on my part to even think such a thing. The correlation comes from The Nicole File. There is a wealth of information within those pages that has yet to even be discussed. Things that seem unnecessary and irrelevant to the case. Things that just further define who Nicole is – her mentality, her pathology. It’s no secret that I’ve been over and over it all a multitude of times. Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Partly because that’s what a profiler does and partly to try and anticipate the next move. Then, a good deal of time has been spent just lost in the details, understanding a little too well what she has been through. It’s not just that I can visualize it but that I’ve watched similar things happen to my mother.

See, this is really one of those blatantly frightening moments where, yes – I DO identify with a perp and I sort of understand some of the downward spiral. I understand her and get her better than I would most other women.

When Nicole spun her tale about not being able to conceive while married to Gavin, it was the truth. She knew that I’d dig up her medical history at least in part anyway. She knew I would find enough to piece things together. When her daughter was nearly two she was diagnosed with a gynecological cancer — something curable in the long run that likely was the gradual result of “misspent youth”. The treatment would be successful but draining on her. She would have been weaker physically and just taking care of normal everyday things – like her daughter had to have been very hard. She had a boyfriend back then but we’ve never found his real name. If he used an alias in the first place then he probably wasn’t the best guy around. We also know the kind of people that Nicole attracts. Her daughter’s death was during her treatment time. That only helps to feed my belief that she didn’t kill her, but a fed up, put-upon, raging boyfriend did and Nicole was too drained to stop him. She knew no one would believe her so she had to bury her child and of course figured out the best spot in the country to do so.

She knows my mother’s history. Image Hosted by ImageShack.us I’m sure she managed to pull her medical records and identified with what this complete stranger went through. Dan Croyden was such an easy mark. Maybe he wasn’t violent but he was completely self-absorbed before walking out on his cancer-stricken wife and young kids. Killing him, that was probably almost too easy for Nicole. She saw the man that bailed out on her in this guy and no doubt she thought she was doing his now ex-wife a favor. The fact that she could toss him my way – well that was just an extra bonus for her. She knew I’d look at this guy’s history and see my father. Then I’d listen to his pompous arrogance and hear my father. It was brilliant on her part to kill so many birds with one stone.

A stroke of genius really.

I’m not sure why Nicole hooked up with Evan Chappel. Maybe it was a fluke, maybe she was obituary surfing and saw that he was newly widowed with a young daughter. I do believe that once she was confronted with the truth about her daughter (when I say truth, I mean someone knew the child existed and then died) I don’t think that she could just stuff it all down again. It was too much and even one single other person knowing, well, that made it suddenly very real. Gwen was maybe a little older than her own child would have been and she knew that this was likely her last crack at some sort of motherhood. The fact that Gwen was at risk for gynecological cancer once she hit puberty, that made Nicole even more protective of her. In her mind it was making up for what she couldn’t prevent years earlier. She had every intention of being in this child’s life. Probably in part because she knew firsthand the tough road ahead of Gwen in a few years.

These are some of the things that spin in my head all at once. All of the similarities – my mother’s illness, Nicole’s illness, neither could protect their children. My father, Nicole’s boyfriend, Dan Croyden – they’re all pretty much the same despicable man but presented a bit differently on the outside. I watched my mother struggle to get well while her supposed biggest supporter was only dead weight. I can imagine Nicole in that same situation.

It doesn’t change things, not ultimately. She killed several people before having a child and she has killed several since. Nothing cancels out the damage that has already been done. It does make me see her as a person though, someone that has been through hell herself and not only by her own misdeeds.

Serial killer. A nice, neat label. Beneath it always lies a complicated, painful mess.

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