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Dear Punk A$$ Spammer

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Yeah, you little bitches have been leaving a shitload of stupid Texas Hold ‘Em Poker related comment spam all over our Blogcritics site recently. Now of course it’s not the least bit welcome. Duh. You know that you’re some punk ass bitches leaving shit all over OUR yard for our editors to have to clean up. You should stop it, and apologize. Yet you keep doing it.

Being a business with a website and host server however, I bet you CAN be tracked down in meatspace. We got a thousand man posse up in the BC, so odds are we got some near you- and I’m OG.

In short, you’d best hope that I don’t find out that you’re anywhere within a couple hundred miles of ME, cause I WILL show up on your doorstep to discuss my personal issues with you. Believe me, I’m all ate up in the head, and I would just LOVE to take out my Mommy issues on some ignorant assed spammers along with the help of a couple of drug addicted Negroes with pliers and blow torches hired special.

How much do you think it’d cost me for enough crack to motivate some even more messed up crackers than me to help burn down your HQ? We had some people two doors down the holler burn down their meth trailer this spring. We know how to burn stuff. I bet they’d work cheap. Did I mention that I was busted in a conspiracy to start a fire at school when I was in second grade?

Even if I got caught, I could probably plead not guilty and get great sympathy from a jury to let me off for however many of your dumb spammer asses I “accidentally” killed. I mean, I’d do you like you was a stray alley cat.

Plus, the publicity would make me real popular. “I’m uptight and out of sight.” It’d be like that Merle Haggard song, “I’ll Be a Hero When I Strike.” It’d be GREAT pr for Blogcritics, and my own MoreThings domain. I might even get elected to Congress.

Yeah, I’d be like Travis Bickle. I’ll make like you was pimp Harvey Keitel. Maybe it’d even get me a date with Jodie Foster. You think? I can feel my motivation rising.

Anyway, y’all can keep doing whatever you think best. However, if you think that continuing to pollute our site with your nonsense is your best prescription for a long and healthy life, then you may need to rethink things. Did you ever consider just BUYING some legitimate ads on the site?

Did I mention that we’ve got more guns per capita here than the Branch Davidians? But hey, don’t mind me. I’m out of my tree and haven’t had a date in a while.

Plus, I’ve never been convicted of anything.

Funny how all these real things can get all mixed up with forward projected fantasies, isn’t it? It’s a good thing that I’ve managed to keep all those things separated so far.

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