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Dear Jerry Brown (Not From Ken and John)

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No, I did not enter the John and Ken (same as Ken and John, only backward)jerry contest to win your cell number or we’d be doing this by phone. Nor, I feel obliged to disclose, do I listen when they’re putting Republicans’ heads on sticks instead of scheming to lure you onto their show.

My main objective in assigning myself to get you there is to stop worrying that I’ll be missing out if I switch back to Clark Howard, who’s on the liberal station owned by the same company and is a genius at coming up with homespun tricks on handling money. If you do win the election, you will not regret calling Clark for tips on fixing California’s economy once and for all.

Reasons you should accept the interview besides freeing up my time:

  • To demonstrate that you can govern ruffians, a category that now includes laid off workers and foreclosed homeowners along with gotcha talk show hosts.
  • To keep (Nut)Meg from winning by default because she faced the music and you didn’t… which only adds to her huge advantage of contributing more to her own campaign than anyone else in history.
  • It’s not as if you’re ahead in the polls.
    • You have stated that you fear (not your exact word, but that how it comes across) that Ken and John will not treat you respectfully because they were disrespectful to Meg. I see your point, even though they have semi-promised to be a bit nicer if you don’t lie as much as she did.

    But think about it. They not only call her a liar daily, they devote more time to calling her a liar now that they’re starring in your new ad, where John backs up your charge that Meg continues to claim you raised taxes as governor, even though she now knows it’s based on false information.
    Sure they’ll posture to show they can’t be bought by face time in an ad, yet they can’t help themselves from reveling in the statewide gravitas it imparts to them. Now is the time, Jerry. Have your people call their people. Or their prince. Even though they do not agree with your politics.Even though they have endorsed Chris Christie for governor — despite his concurrently governing another state 3000 miles away, which is a good thing.

    If you’re still scared, no problem. I will accompany you to the interview and bring my rape whistle. Whenever questioning or over-talking reaches anwhistle inappropriate level, I will blow the whistle. This will insure that John and Ken, like Meg before them, will not be able to get a word in until they change their tactics.

    If you prefer to accept the invitation of one of the celebrities John and Ken are courting, that is OK with me. So far the list consists of Prince Frederic von Anhalt, who was over the moon Friday when they asked him to call you. Not only did he gush bleeped swear words on what a great governor you’ll make, he personally urged his followers to vote for you when he dropped out of the gubernatorial race to care for wife Zsa Zsa. You owe him. Meg

    If you prefer to go it alone, bring your own whistle.

    Jer, the days till the election dwindle down to a precious few. Do not risk avoiding an interview that can make the difference that you — and I, as a seeker of the down-to-earth financial advice only Clark can provide, need to resolve now.

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    About Sondra Lowell