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Dawn Olsen For President

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The time has come that a reasonable and sensible person step into the political arena. Unfortunately I am not that person, but I believe firmly in the political process and that even the lowliest members of society can rise to great achievements.

As our forefathers paved the way for the uneducated, impoverished and politically naive to take their place among the great orators and pontificators of their time, I too will step up to the challenge to make this country a better place for all.

My party will be the ANGRY MOMS PARTY – or AMP and before I brow beat you into standing behind me and lending me your support, I will outline my platform.

1.) INCOMPETENT DRIVERS WILL BE GIVEN NO QUARTER – Long past due is the time for shitty drivers to be pulled over, dragged out of their cars, harshly scolded, embarrassed in front of their children and heavily fined for rude and inconsiderate driving. I am tired of it, you are tired of it and I will impose a mandate retroactively to prosecute, persecute and otherwise “secute” (perhaps even execute) these selfish douches for their attempts at ruining my otherwise peaceful day with their cellphone eared, french manicured fingertipped steering, hairflipping, Lexus driving asses. Start thumbing it bitches.

2.) ALL CATCALLING WILL BE PUNISHABLE BY SEVERE ASSKICKING – Man, I have to tell you that a person of only desperate measures and complete lack of sophistication would catcall an obvious out of shape pregnant woman as she weeds her garden beds. Only the depraved would think to whistle, ogle, or even draw attention to her bent frame, in shorts that are ill-fitting, hair that is too mussed and disheveled and donning an outfit that lacks all fashion sense. These are people who are just a few steps away from felonious behavior, and only a tough acting politician like myself will bring fitting justice to their crimes.

3.) NO MORE FLIPPING SPAM – Death penalty for spammers. Publicly programmed, forced viewing by all over the age of 18 as spammers are put to death in the most barbaric of measures. Clubbing, stoning, firing squad, forced consumption of tuna noodle casserole – you name it, we will subject them to it.
This is the WORST kind of crime. Not only should I never, ever see pictures of transgendered “people”, I don’t want Viagra, my dick to be bigger, farm animals doing college girls, people eating feces, bigger titties, flatter abs, smaller buns (wait, scratch those last three). You get my point. This is FOUL, FOUL, FOUL matter or the gravest order and no real person of any social order above gutter-dwelling graverobbers should be subjected to it.

Let me assure you that anyone wishing to socialize with my daughter(s) or son(s) will be stripsearched, probed, interrogated, investigated, confiscated, annihilated, legislated, masticated, mutilated, terminated, humiliated and ultimately violated for any unauthorized attempts at fornicating, communicating and affiliating with my children – there will be no “hangin’, chillin, datin’ or getting with” anyone until I SAY SO.

5.) ALL CONVICTED FELONS WILL HAVE THEIR CRIME TATTOOED ON THEIR FOREHEADS – This is a simple way of preventing repeat offenders. If a person applies for a job as accountant at your company with “Embezzler” on their face, hey you know who you are dealing with. A man hanging around the playground with “Child Molester” pasted on his cranium, you haul him off, beat him, and leave him to bleed to death in the bushes. A woman shows up to baby-sit for your kids with “Child Abuser” on her noggin, you shove her down the steps and kick her ass right down the street. I am a genius.

6.) BASIC HEALTHCARE FOR ANYONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE IT – This is so obvious and without need for explanation that I will smack the first person to even clear their throat in my general direction about it.

7.) ALL CRIMES PUNISHABLE BY CRIME COMMITTED – You like to rape? Hey you better learn to love having sex forced on you by many and varied strangers. You like to steal? Better get used to having your goods confiscated whenever the govt. damn well feels like it. You like murder? Well then say hello to Satan. You like to molest children? Enjoy having your privates mutilated, then you will be tied up at the zoo while children throw rotten fruit and vegetables at you, every day, for the rest of your miserable, shitty life you worthless motherfucker.

8.) MORE VIDEOS – LESS TALKING ON MTV – Aren’t we all just a little sick of the stupid shows. When I was a kid MTV showed videos and they rotated them so that it wasn’t just Jay-Z, Jennifer Lopez and Christina Aguilera in a vicious never ending cycle. While I am at it, all radio must die. And the sooner the better. Turn it over to teens and college students with no format and we will all be happy.

9.) FREE COLLEGE EDUCATION FOR ALL HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATES – Why wouldn’t we want this? If you make it through high school, can pass a basic test for the major subjects necessary to be a normal productive citizen, and want to go to college – then BOOM there you go. Hey, all jobs should require a college degree. Don’t we want the garbage man to be competent and knowledgeable, or the person serving you french fries to know proper salt and grease maintenance? Or how about the grocer understanding basic produce concepts? These are all things that contribute to the quality of life. And I am all about having a life of quality, AREN’T YOU?

10.) PEACE AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS – OR DEATH BY PAIN AND TORTURE – Anyone caught impeding another person’s peace and the pursuit of happiness will be put to death. And that goes for all those assholes who can’t park in one parking space, don’t pay attention to the traffic light, can’t follow the flow of traffic, have more than the permitted items in the express check out lane, don’t say thanks when you hold the door open for them, or basically piss me (and you of course) off for no damn good reason.

If you vote for me, you will be voting to a world without selfish, inconsiderate assholes. And who wouldn’t want that. I bet even Brian Flemming could go for that!


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About Dawn Olsen


    I’m all for this- as long as YOU plan on personally paying for it- cause I’m sure not going to.

  • The Theory

    let me state for the record that Dawn Olsen scares the living daylights out of me.

    And some of the above points I agree with, others I don’t. However, I agree, Free College Education would be very very nice…


  • Warning, female on a rampage and, wait… what’s this? CODE RED! CODE RED! PREGNANT WOMAN ON A RAMPAGE! BEWARE OF ABNORMALLY HIGH HORMONE LEVELS!!!

    Seriously though, I again ask is it really wrong for me to drive my wonderfully priced and well-maintained used Lexus? I may talk on my cell phone occasionally, but I certainly never flip my hair.

    I will write you into my ballot.

  • Dawn

    Al, you make me president and I will do my best to pay for your health care. I think perhaps it could be paid for by using all the pay per view proceeds I get from the endless executions taking place during my term in office.

    Now Theory, why do I scare the daylights out of you? I am just a sweethearted lass, ask Craig, he knows.

  • Pay-per-view executions? You MUST be a Republican.

  • Dawn

    I am for peace, love, understanding and lots of executions.

  • I am against the death penalty, which seems to be your solution to everything, but I’ll endorse you if you endorse me.

  • Dawn

    Some people need death more than life. I am just trying to accomodate them. You know Brian, maybe we can be running mates. That ought to scare the bejeesus out of all other opponents.

  • Eric Olsen

    I’m for everything Dawn is if you substitute a strongly worded letter for death

  • Dawn absolutely is a sweetheart. And she is hilarious once she gets off on a rant.

    On the subject of people needing death, I have to agree. We keep a lot of stupid people alive nowadays. This is why I don’t like seatbelt laws even though I choose to wear mine at all times. Also, we should start young. Repeal those bike helmet laws for kids. The more daredevil kids we keep alive until adulthood, the bigger the damage they can do. If they are destined to do something stupid in youth, let’s let Darwin take care of them. Sorry to be so coldhearted, but we could save a lot of money from jail cells and Ritalin.

  • lexus drivers. hah, that’s prime.

  • Dawn is a sweetheart? Maybe. But I for one don’t plan on crossing her.

  • andy

    I for one would like a free college education. I want to learn and can’t afford to be taught…..alas I rely on books for now.

  • andy

    and another thing…it really pisses me off that there are college classrooms filled with pot smoking morons who are only there because their parents are rich pot smoking morons. Meanwhile, a hardworking poor schmuck like myself can’t come up w/ the money to go learn myself something. save me Dawn.

  • Eric Olsen

    Seriously Andy, what about a college loan? They are affordable and readily available as far as I can tell and don’t have to be paid back until you graduate.

  • Dew

    If Dawn will pass a law to clear my credit and Student loans she not only has my vote but she’s my new best friend.

    And I’m not necessarily for executing the criminals, but I say take Texas, build a 100 ft high steel wall around the entire state with a steel ceiling 1 foot thick. In the center of the ceiling should be a retractable hole at least 3 feet in diameter. You break the law you get dropped in the hole. Cut in front of me while I’m driving, get dropped in the hole, touch any one of my neices or nephews, get dropped in the hole, steal my car, feel the hole, cheat on your spouse, fornicate with the hole, lie about uranium…u get the point. I tell ya, Texas will always smell like bacon in July!!……….Can we tell I have given this thought before…

  • jason

    dawn rocks!!!

  • I’d say what’s wrong with smoking a little pot, but of course, we all know that’s ill-eagle!

    Dawn, you have my vote! I learned a little over 19 years ago to never ever cross a pregnant woman!

  • Eric Olsen

    I learned that too – of course he with whom she was pregnant is now almost 16 months old, the post is from ’03

  • I’d still vote for her!

    What I always “loved” about being a new father was that post-partem depression. Not sure of the spelling, I think the short term for it is megabitch.

  • gonzo marx

    >note to self< NEVER piss Dawn off Excelsior!

  • Eric Olsen

    she didn’t visibly display the symptoms much this time, but 5 1/2 years ago, man …

  • I will say it did seem much easier the second time around.

  • death penalty for spammers!! but dawn, who’s gonna make me feel despicably inadequate on an hourly basis if no spammers are gonna be telling me how crappy my “manhood” is, and how it can be fixed very easily by whatever they feel like hocking?

    incidentally, i mentioned your good self, specifically your article “always the critic never the talent”, in the latest mondo podcast thing (#6)