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Dark Messiah: Might and Magic Multiplayer Mania

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Having no job has been surprisingly good to me. You may well expect an intellectual giant like me to be doing really intense things with my free time -finishing my novel, reading Proust's In Search of Lost Time, trying to get the intermix ratio just right on my particle accelerator, etc.

Alas, I must disappoint yet again. In reality, I've been applying for a handful of jobs, gutting my bathroom, consuming unhealthy quantities of caffeine, and playing the newest Ubisoft title, Dark Messiah: Might and Magic.

I won't go into a lengthy review. Suffice to say, everything you've heard about the single player mode is true: the cutscenes are stupid, the voice acting is terrible, the story is abysmally weak and predictable, and the ending is an utter copout. The multiplayer mode, however, is extraordinarily challenging, stylish, and cool.

I know it's unfair to make generalizations like the one I'm about to make, but I don't care, because they're far more fun than they are unfair. Here goes: only dudes play any type of online multiplayer game.

If you ever see anything wearing a skirt in a game that takes place online, you can rest assured that the player behind the character has stubble, a wang, an Adam's apple, a catalogue of Godsmack CDs, an opinion on the Lord of the Rings movies, or some combination of the five.

However, most fellas — barring those looking for some extremely dubious sexual thrills — play fellas in these games. These guys would rather their character look like Jar-Jar Binks than a girl. Typically, your choice of chain mail or chiffon makes little difference, as most fantasy worlds are surprisingly equal opportunity. In Dark Messiah, however, this isn't true.

Here are the game's five player classes, and my amateur psychiatric assessment of those who play them:

WarriorhumanWarriorundeadThe Warrior, who carries a big sword, the precursor to the fast car and/or .44 Magnum that the player will buy in later life;

 

 

ArcherhumanArcherundeadThe Archer, for those who are too emotionally distant to really ever get close to anyone;

 

 

MagehumanMageundeadThe Mage, the favorite of those who enjoy running around endlessly fondling balls (of fire and lightning);

 

 

AssassinhumanAssassinundeadThe Assassin, who can make himself invisible, the preferred character of those who are deeply ashamed of something (probably acne) and are trying to hide; and

 

 

Priestesshuman_1PriestessundeadThe Priestess, for those manly men who are completely comfortable with their sexuality, and/or pretend to be girls in internet chat rooms.

 

 

The Priestess is a comely girl in a first season Star Trek: The Next Generation Counselor Troi outfit. I seem to be the only person in the entire universe of DM:M&M players who plays the Priestess.

That being the case, I have learned two things. First, the Priestess is the single most lethal character in the whole game, and second, no one has any clue how to defend against her attacks. Consequently, I have managed to infuriate young, sexless men in dozens of countries by humiliating them in front of their digital peers via serving them their digital asses on a platter.

Never underestimate how much joy you can derive from mildly irritating people you will never meet in a manner that is ultimately meaningless. It's a lot more fun than it sounds.

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About Tim Greathouse

During the week, Tim Greathouse is a freelance writer, father and homemaker. Each weekend he dons a suit and performs wedding ceremonies for remarkably cool couples all over his home state of Ohio.