Having no job has been surprisingly good to me. You may well expect an intellectual giant like me to be doing really intense things with my free time -finishing my novel, reading Proust's In Search of Lost Time, trying to get the intermix ratio just right on my particle accelerator, etc.
Alas, I must disappoint yet again. In reality, I've been applying for a handful of jobs, gutting my bathroom, consuming unhealthy quantities of caffeine, and playing the newest Ubisoft title, Dark Messiah: Might and Magic.
I won't go into a lengthy review. Suffice to say, everything you've heard about the single player mode is true: the cutscenes are stupid, the voice acting is terrible, the story is abysmally weak and predictable, and the ending is an utter copout. The multiplayer mode, however, is extraordinarily challenging, stylish, and cool.
I know it's unfair to make generalizations like the one I'm about to make, but I don't care, because they're far more fun than they are unfair. Here goes: only dudes play any type of online multiplayer game.
If you ever see anything wearing a skirt in a game that takes place online, you can rest assured that the player behind the character has stubble, a wang, an Adam's apple, a catalogue of Godsmack CDs, an opinion on the Lord of the Rings movies, or some combination of the five.
However, most fellas — barring those looking for some extremely dubious sexual thrills — play fellas in these games. These guys would rather their character look like Jar-Jar Binks than a girl. Typically, your choice of chain mail or chiffon makes little difference, as most fantasy worlds are surprisingly equal opportunity. In Dark Messiah, however, this isn't true.
Here are the game's five player classes, and my amateur psychiatric assessment of those who play them:
The Priestess is a comely girl in a first season Star Trek: The Next Generation Counselor Troi outfit. I seem to be the only person in the entire universe of DM:M&M players who plays the Priestess.
That being the case, I have learned two things. First, the Priestess is the single most lethal character in the whole game, and second, no one has any clue how to defend against her attacks. Consequently, I have managed to infuriate young, sexless men in dozens of countries by humiliating them in front of their digital peers via serving them their digital asses on a platter.
Never underestimate how much joy you can derive from mildly irritating people you will never meet in a manner that is ultimately meaningless. It's a lot more fun than it sounds.Powered by Sidelines