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Dan Shaughnessy Finds Belichick’s Sports Decision As The Worst Thing Ever

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Everyone's favorite Boston Globe sports opinion messenger Dan Shaughnessy is of the opinion that Bill Belichick made the wrong decision Sunday night.

With apologies to Ken Tremendous and Drew Magary, I couldn’t resist:

“Ghastly. This was as bad as anything the Red Sox ever did. Had it been a playoff game, it would be right up there with Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner, Aaron Boone, and History Derailed in Glendale, Ariz.”

It was as if the Nazis had come back to life and feasted upon our very souls and dreams! 9/11 II: The Sequel!

“And Bill Belichick played the part of Grady Little.”

Who was responsible for all of those events previously stated!

“Belichick gets the blame. Too smart for his own good this time. The sin of hubris.”

Only a genius could fail so beautifully!

Really, the whole Belichick mythos is over. It’s done. Kaput. He just isn’t the same guy he was from '01-'04. He really wasn’t even that guy in ’07; things just fell into the right places for most of that season. (Until History was Derailed!!)

In 2001, that two-yard dish to Kevin Faulk would’ve worked. The Colts would have been so thrown by such a ballsy move that somebody would've flinched.  But opposing teams just aren’t shaken by The Belichick anymore. He doesn’t carry the same mystique that got us those three rings. He’s human now.

I can’t necessarily say that I want Belichick to retire after this season. There are only two coaches I’d rather have than Belichick at this point; and I don’t see Pittsburgh or Denver giving up their franchises anytime soon. I do feel though that it's time to at least begin planning for the future. McDaniels was supposed to be the successor, but now he's gone. There has to be a backup plan. A young thirtysomething, maybe in the college ranks, ready to take over for the next decade. 

“Ouch. Bob Kraft’s $9 million federally funded footbridge project just became a bridge over troubled waters.”

Because those are the kind of timely cultural references that keep people coming back to newspapers! The Grey Lady will never die!

Also, Bob Kraft's building a $9 million footbridge? What's it made out of? Golden macaroni?

““We thought we could win the game with that play,’’ reasoned Belichick.”

Oh, I thought we were going for the loss all along. Fool them into a false sense of comfort with an undefeated record. Another brilliant ruse by The Belichick!

"The final touchdown drive was almost too easy, but Wayne made a nifty grab of a pass that looked like a Jonathan Papelbon fastball."

Incorrect. Papelbon would’ve loaded the bases first.

““We’re disappointed, but we’re moving on,’’ said Belichick.”

The media on the other hand…

“This one will linger for a while, maybe into the winter. This was a horrible loss. It changes everything. And Bill Belichick gets the blame.”

Shaughnessy, you stupid squarehead. That was the thesis of your entire column? That was the payoff? The 4th down conversion play that Bill Belichick decided on was Bill Belichick’s fault? HE’S THE HEAD COACH. HE MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS. OF COURSE IT WAS HIS FAULT. HE IS THE DECIDER. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE SPORTSWRITER. I HOPE YOUR FACE EXPLODES LIKE BOB RYAN’S DID. I HOPE THEY BRING THE WRECKING BALL DOWN ON THE BOSTON GLOBE BUILDING WHILE YOU’RE STILL INSIDE. I HOPE YOU GET YOUR GIANT HEAD STUCK IN A DOORJAM AND CAN NEVER WRITE AGAIN. YOU MADE UP A FAKE CURSE IN ORDER TO PROFIT OFF THE SADDEST DAY IN BOSTON SPORTS AND YOU’VE BASED YOUR ENTIRE LEGACY AROUND THAT LIE. YOU ARE WORSE THAN OSAMA BIN LADEN AND I HOPE WE INVEST HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TRYING TO SEARCH FOR YOU IN CAVES IN AFGHANISTAN TO NO AVAIL. CAPS LOCK!

The sky isn’t falling. We’re still the three-seed. And honestly, I think we’re still the second-best team in the AFC (the superior conference). Division domination, be damned! The Bengals still don’t scare me. Sweeping the Steelers and Ravens isn’t nearly as impressive this year as it would’ve been last. The Ravens D is getting old; and the defending champs aren’t anywhere close to the force they were last year.

We still have 2007 Tom and Randy. We still have one of the best young defensive quarterbacks in the NFL (Mayo). We still have Godkowski. We still have a shot. And if we get another chance against the Mannings in the AFC title game, you can bet your ass that Belichick will go for it again. And you can double-down and bet your ass twice that Dan Shaughnessy will regurgitate the same tired column if Faulk bobbles again. And you can go all in with your ass and the asses of any friends who want to wager theirs as well that if all this pans out: I will spontaneously combust; New England will implode in on itself; and lobster futures will plummet.

At least we've got the Celtics. 

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About Ethan Booker

  • Grampie Bob

    Remember the Seinfeld episode where the ex-gym coach slept in an alley murmuring “Cantstandya”. That’s how I felt as I drifted into a fitful sleep uttering the name “Maroney” through clenched teeth. Why is it we always find fault with the last bad play and not the “worst” bad play. If Faulk had had the ball on a two yard plunge the Pats would have been punting with a 13 point lead.

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Go Colts!

    “At least we’ve got the Celtics.”

    Oh, yeah! Pacers: 113 Boston: 104.

    It was a good week-end in Indy.

    B

  • http://lowposts.com/ ebooker

    @Baritone: You guys are allowed to have one good weekend every three or four years..

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Well, we’ve actually had a few more than that, and there may well be more to come.

    I’ve never been a Pats fan, but I used to love Celtic BB – mainly when the Hick from French Lick was the undisputed star.

    B

  • Jon

    I completely understand the reasoning behind why Bill Belichick made the call he did… However, I am still in disbelief that Belichick actually went for it.

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    I get it as well. But it does go counter to the norm. It generally makes more sense to put the opponent well back in his own territory, figuring the odds are good that they will not be able to cover say, 70 yards or more in 2 minutes.

    With most teams that’s probably a better than even bet. With Manning, or Brady for that matter, it’s a far less sure thing. Both are masters of the hurry-up offense.

    Had Belichick opted to punt, you’d have to figure that the odds were no better than even that his defense would have stopped Manning & Co.

    However, if they had made that 1st down – game over. What perhaps made it foolish was where they were on the field. Had they been around the 50 or beyond, it would have been a far less risky chance to take.

    I must say, though, if Bilichick suffered a brain fart, I’m glad for it.

    B

  • mysilentscream

    Bill Buckner had the boot; Bill Belichick had the blunder. Both will survive their error!

    This reminds me how glad I am that when I make a mistake at work it doesn’t make the national news.

    Let’s get over it.

  • http://www.indyboomer46.blogspot.com Baritone

    Hey, all in all, I’m doing fine with it. :}

    B