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Damon Now Lovingly Known in Boston as “F—in’ Damon”

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In an attempt to be more popular with Ben Affleck, Johnny Damon is about to sign a deal with the … you read this correctly … New York Yankees.

Johnny DamonThe preliminary deal is worth $52 million over 4 years, ESPN is reporting.

The leadoff hitter gained fame for being one of the hairiest players in recent memory. Legendary comparisons to Jesus, Captain Caveman, the Huzzah! Guy from Pod People, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer and Harry Henderson will be ancient history as the Yankees have hard stances on long hair and facial hair (the stance: don’t have it. It upsets George).

Also, something something World Series ring blah blah blah first championship in 86 years yadda yadda .300 hitter amazing defense.

But the facial hair. That’s the real tragedy.

So now the Yankees has the center fielder they’re looking for. Bubba Crosby won’t be the guy, and Bernie Williams — who the Yankees just might keep around — would be relegated to be the fourth outfielder.

So now Boston — whose fans are arguably the most hostile without ever resorting to riots (unless you’re talking about British tea) — loses their leadoff man. Their defensive anchor. Their personality.

And outfielders are going fast. The next most coveted OFer was acquired by the Cubs, as Jacque Jones agreed to a 3-year deal. Beyond that, the next best outfielder is probably Preston Wilson or the aging Reggie Sanders and Jeromy Burnitz.

Oh, by the way — Manny Ramirez probably isn’t coming back either.

I’m no Boston fan, but I’m fairly certain Bostonians won’t be too thrilled of an outfield with Trot Nixon, Jay Payton and Adam Stern.

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About Suss

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com/ Eric Berlin

    Nice report, Suss! It was weird enough when Clemens wound up with the Yanks, but this is weirder with the direct-team swap.

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Thanks, Eric.

    I don’t think Boston has nearly enough Vaseline to endure the pain this deal will cause to the team’s morale.

    But that’s free agency for ya.

  • http://www.breakingwindows.com/ Ken Edwards

    Trot Nixon, who, and who?

  • SFC SKI

    Just settle in for another 86 years .
    SOB Damn is pretty catchy, too.

  • http://www.dorksandlosers.com Tan The Man

    Damon isn’t the long-term answer for NY’s center field problem. It’s sad how the year-to-year panic engulfs the Yankees these days…. Where have you gone, Jumpin Joe?

  • http://nightdragon.diaryland.com Mark Edward Manning

    Yeah, the Red Sox are fucked. They’re now ensuring that they won’t win another WS title for another 86 years! Before it was Babe Ruth. Now, it’ll be the curse of the Caveman!

    If the Patriots ever cool off and with the Celtics and Bruins being the perennial no-hopers that they are, Boston can go back to being Looserville again. Yea!

  • http://nightdragon.diaryland.com Mark Edward Manning

    “Trot Nixon, who, and who?”

    EXACTLY!

  • http://journals.aol.com/vicl04/THESAVAGEQUIETSEPTEMBERSUN/ Victor Lana

    My hatred of the Yankees continues. How can anyone ask Mr. Damon to get a haircut and a shave. This is insane. We need his scruffiness in order to appreciate things more. On Torre’s damn Yankees, he will just be another clipped and shaved bozo.

    Oh, and just like Samson, he will probably lose his power, hitting tepid line drives that don’t make it to the short porch in right. By the way, only the Yankees could have such a short rightfield, bloat their homerun numbers, and have people think they’re great.

    Just think, a computer analysis once put forth that Mantle and Maris probably would have lost about 1/5 of their homers if not for that porch. Real Bronx Bombers, huh?

    Bah humbug, Steingrabber!

  • sal m

    just another example of why the red sox are “b-list.” too cheap to give a guy an extra year…good thing they swallowed mike lowell’s contract.

    for a red sox hater this is sweet.

  • http://www.roblogpolitics.blogspot.com RJ Elliott

    Hey! Trot Nixon is pretty darn good!

    [ducks…]

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    It’s possible a Manny trade would bring in another outfielder.