I have few hard and fast rules I hand out to friends. I mean, friendships aren't supposed to be about rules and should develop naturally. Listen, honey, I've never played by the rules. Anyone's rules. But I have absolutely no problem asking others to play, eat, sleep, work, and live by the ones I create.
I'm a contrary bitch. I know this. Best for you to just accept it and deal with it.
So, this rule thing I have...
As I mentioned, I have few rules, but the ones I have are pretty reasonable, I think.
- Treat me with respect. I'll do the same for you. Promise.
- Honesty trumps all. Except when I absolutely do look fat in my jeans and then, find some tactful and clever way to get me to change without telling me I look like an elephant, okay?
- Be forgiving. I screw up from time to time. I'll forgive you your transgressions if you forgive me mine.
- Don't die on me.
It's that last one that seems to be the most difficult rule for people to accept. Sure, they all say they won't die on me, but they sometimes do. And when they do, strange things happen to me.
I start off strong and accepting, clear and focused, and then I slowly fall apart. Sometimes it takes months. Sometimes weeks. And sometimes, I just skip the days thing and go right to hours.
Since learning of Buddy Blue's death, I've done the email and phone call thing. I've made plans to attend the memorial service. And, I've gone about my business as a means to keep myself occupied.
As the day wore on, I was slowing noticeably. I could attribute that to the fact that I'd been up since 2 a.m., or I could attribute that to the stress of bad news. The fact is, despite my stoic and sometimes aloof demeanor, it was simply too much to deal with.
I wasn't a long-time friend of Buddy's. Nor were we particularly close as far as "hey, c'mon over for a BBQ and some tunes" types of friends go, but we had a special friendship that allowed us the opportunity to know each other in our own weird way. Many emails, a few phone calls, the occasional personal encounter out in public, that's what we had. And that still gave us plenty of material to work with.
Article comments
1 - chancelucky
Joan,
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, though in one sense musicians never have to die.
I don't know that anyone can measure friendship by the number of times we see anyone or even the nature of those encounters. It's more a sense of closeness and mutual appreciation that two people communicate to one another in some fashion in the time they do have to interact. It's clear to me that Buddy Blue was your good friend and vice versa.
2 - candye kane
joan, i am so sad about buddy and reading your blog really makes me miss him. we didnt have as close of a friendship as you did it sounds like, but he emailed me funny stuff and really reached out to me in the last few years. i am gonna miss him. thanks for sharing this with us.
3 - candye kane
PS: who cares whether other people think the friendship is "valid"? Love is love, heart is heart and you obviously gave and got both from Buddy. I wish I could be at that memorial friday. i am playing in bisbee.
4 - Joanie
I feel like a fucking baby for taking this so hard. We truly weren't super close, but there was this special place in my world for Buddy. And, this is all coming way too close on the heels of almost losing someone to whom I AM super close.
I feel like these tests are more than I can handle and I'm also a little pissed 'cause I feel cheated.
I'm surly and snarly and I don't like myself like this. Hopefully time with my kid will mellow me out a bit.
5 - Steve
Sorry to hear about your loss, Joan. Sometimes it's the folks we don't know so well, (the aquaintances?), that can make all the difference in our lives. Although given what you've told me, sounds like maybe he was a bit of a kindred spirit...you didn't have to be around each other all the time, or known him a long time, to enjoy his company. Some people in our lives can be like that. I pray that the memorial service will set you on the right path through the grieving process, I'm sure it will.
6 - Joanie
Thanks to all of you. Sometimes I have to let the bitch out and run amok for a while. I think I've almost exhausted her. Let's hope.
7 - Steve
yw, Joan.
8 - Joanie
After an informal poll of all my friends, the majority of them have declared rule #4 a great idea, if a bit impractical. All have promised me they'd wait until after I died before they would. I'm not sure if that's supposed to be a good thing or not.
9 - Larry Nickerson
Sorry to hear about your loss.I did not know Buddy, however I feel I got to know him a little better in your article. Have you shared all this with a friend face to face? If you have not you might want to consider doing so.
10 - Mary K. Williams
Joanie- You just keep letting that bitch out when she needs to. She's fucking pissed that the rule was broken. She'll settle down eventually. And I agree with what Candye said - friendship, like love comes in many forms. Its all precious and worth celebrating.
11 - Howard Owens
Joanie, don't worry about taking it so hard. Buddy was a special person and he even though he had this reputation for being some sort of jerk at times, he had a way of making everybody around him feel important.
When Eric Show died, I balled like a baby and my "friendship" with him consisted of exchanging a dozen letters, talking on the phone once and eating lunch together once. But I still considered him a friend and somebody I had always expected to talk with again. It was tough to see him die so young and so tragically.
I'll miss Buddy. I already do. Very much so. But I'm also so grateful that I have all this great music he left me. That is my solace.
I hope to meet you Friday at the service.
12 - Joanie
I'll look for you on Friday, Howard. I'll email you my phone number. Oh, and another of Buddy's pals is bringing me a DVD of performances. I think I could be persuaded to share.