Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?
Some, the saints and the poets, maybe. — Thornton Wilder, Our Town
There are no words. One experience unites all humans. Without regard for income, race, religion, language, or geography, we face the same end. Death is universal. In our last walk down the corridor of mortality we are united. Yet, we have no words, no language to express the incomprehensible, reality-shattering vastness of death.
Sure, we have clichés. "I'm sorry for your loss." "Perhaps it is a blessing." "At least he's not in pain, now." "She's in God's hands now." "He's in a better place." "Time will heal." "It's for the best." "It's all part of God's plan." The phrases are rituals of a sort, formulae we have developed to serve as proxies of our bewilderment and fear.
Official clichés have evolved, as well. "Died in service." "Combat losses." "Civilian casualties." "Troop deaths." "Fallen in battle." "Acceptable loss." Each phrase carefully avoids the staring eyes with lids fixed open in rigor, the purging of bodily fluids, the escape — banishment — of another soul from its body. Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.
Our feeble language robs even the act of dying of its reality. Rarely do we say, "so-and-so died last night." The word feels too bald, too final. We hide behind euphemisms, hoping their impotence will erase the truth. "He passed away." "She passed on." "We tried, but we lost him." Lost — where does one lose a soul — in a drawer perhaps? Here, we move into the realm of medical euphemism. "Cardiac arrest." "He coded." In veterinary medicine, we have our own dialect for death — "put to sleep," "put down," "euthanized." Only in moments of bitter exhaustion do I admit that in this process I kill an animal.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - NancyGail
Nice work.
2 - Christy Corp-Minamiji
Thanks, Nancy!
3 - Jeanne Browne
As a writer, a minister (Interfaith), and one who frequently contemplates death - my own and that of others - I commend you on the words you found to describe the words we cannot find. I don't fear death but I dread the process of dying, the awfulness that often precedes death. Since I don't believe in heaven or hell but do believe that spirit is energy and energy never dies, it transforms, I figure death is a combination of rest, relief, unconsciousness, new consciousness, and mysteries we can't imagine. But I figure if we can make it through life, and that's no day at the beach, what could death present us with except nothingness or a new adventure? Either way, we'll cope. It's the death of others that leaves us speechless and divides our lives into distinct periods of Before and After. Thank you for giving us an opportunity to consider life's ultimate unifier - wordless though it may be.
4 - Christopher Rose
Another good article, Christy.
Personally, death scares me a lot. I can't buy into the unsubstantiated mysticism that seems to console or deceive those faithist folk; so as far as I can tell, when one's personal movie is over, the screen goes blank and that is it.
I really don't want to miss the unfolding human story, particularly as we seem to be on the verge of leaving behind a lot of the current problems that afflict humanity (on the verge of in evolutionary time, not personal time) and I will absolutely definitely avail myself of any of the promising life extension technologies that are starting to emerge if they reach the stage of practical application before I die.
I shall feel particularly cheated if I do actually die before getting off this planet and/or meeting an intelligent alien being!
5 - Ruvy
I shall feel particularly cheated if I do actually die before getting off this planet and/or meeting an intelligent alien being!
I don't know about us living long enough that getting off the planet will simply a matter of buying a ticket and boarding a seat in a spaceship. I used to think that's what would happen. I get more pessimistic as the years go by of seeing this. But this much I will tell you. You may well get to meet an intelligent alien being (and, no, I'm not talking about G-d). And if you do, I hope you are wearing brown trousers and I hope your friends are up-wind of you....
6 - Christy Corp-Minamiji
Thank you all for the comments. On a personal level, I do believe in some form of existence beyond death. However, I sometimes wonder if that belief simply stems from a fear of annihilation. Sentimentality surrounding death irks me, however. Whatever death is, it's much too big for a Hallmark card.
I guess my personal philosophy is an agreement with Einstein. "I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos." I've seen too many patterns in my life not to believe in some form of order. I think that we (humans) are the chaos.
Good luck with the alien quest, Christopher.
7 - Ruvy
Christy,
When I think about death, I try to get myself to think about what my life has meant to others, so far. Obviously, if I need to feel better about myself, I need to look at the good I may have done, and occasionally, my wife needs to remind me of the good that I've done, and how my presence has affected others to the good. I do not have any trouble imagining the evil I've done.
In spite of the obvious, that our future is merely the maggot and the worm, too many people have come back from death with reports of something that constitutes an after-life for me to arrogantly dismiss them, their passionate reports, or the changes they have made in their own lives as a result.
This is something I strongly suggest you consider. I bring before you the example of "Kof-Kof", an Argentinian toddler brought to Israel with a genetic disease that only Jews get that would be best treated here. It is no fun to lose a child, especially one you have made so many sacrifices for. But when "Kof-Kof" died in December of 2001, I sat with his parents and did the best I could to explain to them that for all the pain of loss they suffer, "Kof-Kof" managed to do something they might not have done otherwise - come home to Israel to live. This was something good.
Even "Kof-Kof" did good that affected others, even though he was a mere toddler, and even though it appeared that his future was merely the maggot and the worm. He affected his mother, father and sister and all the unborn children that will hopefully be born here by bringing them all home.
None of us lives in vain.
8 - Christopher Rose
Ruvy, maybe meeting an alien would make you poop your pants but it holds no fear at all for me!
Christy, it is perfectly possible to have order without a creator... And as there is zero evidence for the existence of superbeings, Einstein's contention lacks foundation.
Ruvy revisited; just because some people who have had near death experiences have reported something that possibly seemed like some kind of afterlife to them does not mean there is. On the other hand, the fact that nobody has ever come back from actual death and revealed that there definitely is an afterlife is pretty good evidence that there probably isn't...
9 - Christy Corp-Minamiji
Ruvy,
Thank you for your insights and for the anecdote. I do appreciate the crux of the story; however, I still have difficulty finding the "good" in the death of a child. I think it's the sense of disrupted potential that offends me. I don't know what our purpose is, so I do try to live a life with as much meaning as possible. Like everyone, I think I fall down on that one quite a bit.
Christopher, I accept your view on the lack of evidence for any divinity. However, I can't help pointing out that proving a negative is also problematic. Production of evidence is dependent upon human discovery and recording. I guess, for me, the jury is still out.
10 - Ruvy
Christy,
If you merely look at the death of a child as disrupting potential and allowing it to offend you, without considering the surrounding circumstances in a broader view, of course, you will feel that there are "no words".
When my wife lost a son at 16 weeks pregnancy, it certainly seemed that there were "no words". And for months afterwards, whenever she saw a baby, or a pregnant woman, it hurt her. But the obstetrician who delivered the dead foetus was very nasty to my wife, telling her "congratulations, you had a son." His hurtful behavior caused her to switch doctors and she got much better care from the subsequent physician - a man who watched over her carefully, who encouraged us both in our quest for a child, and who made damned sure that she got the best of care when the second child she carried was delivered at 27 weeks instead of 40.
The cut off potential of the 16 week old foetus resulted in the improved care for the subsequent foetus, who is now a young man over 20 years of age. More to the point, in addition to that care, he encouraged my wife to have a number of uterine fibroid tumors removed, and the pregnancy of the third child was far less stressful, even though he too, was born early.
I suffer from a chronic neurological condition. For all of my hating having it, it saved my ass a number of times in my life. It is likely due to that condition I suffer, that I am still alive today, instead of a statistic, a man killed in a car accident on the highways of Israel, where people drive like madmen.
I can attribute all of this to chance. some people would, and would not accept any kind of evidence that it was other than chance. That's alright, so long as they don't shove their opinions down my throat.
No man lives in vain. We all have a purpose in G-d's universe, whether we comprehend that purpose or not. Half the fun in life is searching for that purpose.
11 - Christopher Rose
Christy, the "proving a negative" issue is just one of the rhetorical tricks faithists use but it isn't a valid argument. It isn't necessary to prove that something isn't true, it is up to those who make an assertion to prove it.
Ruvy, whilst I like most of your #10, it falls down at two points.
Firstly, it takes a certain kind of strange blend of callousness and commitment to make the argument that the loss of the first baby was okay because it lead to subsequent better medical care and then to a successful birth. Presumably the same kind of thinking can be used to justify any past bad event if it leads, albeit indirectly, to better results later. Like, the holocaust was okay because it lead to the founding of Israel, for example?
Secondly, you don't appear to like it when other people "shove their opinions down your throat" yet apparently you don't have any problem about doing the same thing yourself. Doesn't the double standard there trouble you at all?
I'll not comment on your final paragraph.
12 - Christy Corp-Minamiji
Christopher,I agree, *any* assertion is susceptible to proof. I was bringing up the proving a negative in that context. I think that since neither hypothesis can be proven at this point, or likely ever, both the denial of or profession of a deity are subject to question. My own faith is based solely on what I want to believe, and I am definitely aware of the limitations and probable delusion of that state.
Ruvy, thanks for sharing your story. As I've seen in your posts elsewhere, you obviously have a tremendous commitment to your beliefs. I don't think I've ever been capable of that degree of certainty about anything. I don't agree with you on some points, but I definitely respect your conviction.
13 - Ruvy
it takes a certain kind of strange blend of callousness and commitment to make the argument that the loss of the first baby was okay because it lead to subsequent better medical care and then to a successful birth.
I don't know, Chris. I read my comment to my wife - it was about her - and she agreed with me. I'll tell you one thing about Adina. Whatever she is, she is not a callous person. She is extremely sensitive and sweet and giving (so unlike her husband). Also, I did not say the loss of the first baby was good. I said that hurtful as it was, and it was hurtful, that good came from that loss. There is a big difference between the two.
14 - Ruvy
...just because some people who have had near death experiences have reported something that possibly seemed like some kind of afterlife to them does not mean there is. On the other hand, the fact that nobody has ever come back from actual death and revealed that there definitely is an afterlife is pretty good evidence that there probably isn't....
The "near death" experiences are so-called because the people who experienced them actually were dead - and came back a short time after dying. They weren't "nearly dead." They were dead, but doctors were working to revive them desperately - and succeeded. Obviously individual cases vary. Somewhere there is a Lancet article summarizing all this. Possibly the individual circumstances can be dug out, if they interest you, Chris.
Of course, if you define "dead" as "dying and not coming back", then you can't be proven wrong in your assertion, can you? You will have constructed a neat tautology.
15 - Dr Dreadful
Beautifully written piece. Of course we have 'no words': how can we? All the words in every human language that has ever existed were invented by the living.
Even if, as some claim, it is possible to die, be revived, and then report back on the experience, it is still the language of the living which is used.
So we are left with the terminology of the medics and the mystics, none of which can hope to adequately address an experience which is not only inaccessible to us but may not even exist...
16 - roger nowosielski
You know, Dreadful, there is a funny kind of interaction going on between experience and language.
At times, the former sort of "precedes" the language - in which cases we either discover the language appropriate for it (in case it wasn't part of our active vocabulary prior to then); or in the most radical cases, invent the term/concept.
17 - Christopher Rose
Ruvy, dying isn't like when a light bulb burns out; it isn't poof, you're gone.
Obviously it is possible to die and then be resuscitated but that is clearly not the same as being beyond resuscitation. In the future, with greater medical knowledge and equipment, it will quite probably be possible to revive people even more than it is today. As yet we simply don't know where exactly the point of transition from revivable to beyond rescue lies. It follows therefore that the reports of those who have had near death experiences can not possibly actually be reports from some notional afterlife, nor can they be criticised for their descriptions of very personal close calls.
I don't see any tautology in my statement that nobody who has ever actually fully died has ever come back from the other side. Surely that is the test that would make the case that there is another plane of existence beyond this one, yet it has never happened. It seems pretty compelling to me...
18 - Christine
Very profound article and interesting comments that have followed. It reminds me of the song by Tim McGraw "Live Like You Were Dying"...
19 - Christy Corp-Minamiji
Wow, I really didn't expect so many comments on this piece since it was primarily borne out of a very personal frustration with the inadequacies of our language. It's great to see so many thoughts and opinions on this subject.
20 - Clavos
Good piece, Christy.
A week ago today, the most important person in my entire life, my wife, died. We shared more than 40 years of life together; they weren't all good, particularly not the last four, during which she was inexorably consumed by her infirmities as the medics and I stood helplessly by, powerless to arrest the process, but in their entirety they were sublime.
You are so right about the lack of adequate words; I like to think I'm a decent writer, and I want so badly to honor the the exquisite human being whose life intertwined with mine for so long, yet I find myself searching vainly for the words with which to express adequately the import of her life; a life lived in fullness and heroism, but in the end, as this comment attests, I fail.
It is the final, most cruel irony.
21 - Christine
Wow, Clavos, I am SO sorry about your wife. We are here for you..not sure what that means exactly, but I think you get my point! xo
22 - Deano
Clavos,
Words always seem like the most inadequate of vessels with which to convey sympathy...
"Twere all one,
That I should think to love a bright particular star
And think to wed it..."
- William Shakespeare
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Sincerely,
Deano
23 - Christopher Rose
I wasn't sure about saying this in the comments space, so forgive me if it is wrong to do so, Clavos, but I think Nancy would like it if you carried on some of her bravery, optimism and love as your personal tribute to all the things you shared together.
24 - Clavos
Thank you, Christine. Her death wasn't unexpected, but that doesn't make it any less painful.
25 - Clavos
Deano,
As a lifelong lover of good writing, Mr. Shakespeare has always been a particular favorite.
That's such an appropriate and powerful quote, thank you.