I've been pondering lately how women were, and it seems in some cases still are, taught to be, and rewarded for being, utterly helpless and hapless, as though this were an admirable trait.
The topic came up one night when I had a lot of ironing, which I did while watching a rather inane British commercial television show, Midsomer Murders, set in stereotypical current-day home counties villages in which every male is a solicitor or in the City, or a retired minor TV star, while the women are "homemakers", spending all that money on huge fancy homes, mostly set around the village green on which cricket is being played.
It is not quality television, but nonetheless one scene really left me fuming. The main detective and his young sidekick are locked in a cellar with a woman of the "homemaker" type. (Her husband has been involved in a scam; she thought there was something wrong, but "thought it better not to ask about it".) There's a bit of discussion about whether there's enough air, will they die etc, then the woman lies down and goes to sleep, leaving it to the men to try to saw their way out through the door.
Now, yes, this is a silly show, but some writer must have thought that this was believable behaviour for this sort of character. (And she wasn't central to the show so no particular point was being made about her as a character.)
Then I had cause to meet (and I'm anonymising here because I don't want anyone to be identifiable) a woman who must be in her early 40s, married to a considerably older man in a socially important well-paid job requiring a very high degree of education. Her manner could only be described as fluttery - in the best Victorian form - and when confronted with even a minor problem her reaction was to ask me, who she scarcely knew, to solve what was really quite a personal familial issue. I couldn't help feeling that if faced with a real crisis her reaction would probably be to faint gracefully.
These incidents coincided with my reading of Susanna Moodie's Roughing It in the Bush (1852), an account by one of the sisters of Agnes Strickland of being a gentlewoman pioneer (and eventually a very poor one) in Canada.
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Article comments
1 - SFC Ski
One the TV point, if the writer was male, he surely needs to meet more women. I would guess that the females in this series are just props, a common lament of many women actresses. A well-written female character usually stands out for her rarity.
As to the book, it sounds like a very interesting read. While the woman may have been beset by fear, did she stick it out on the frontier, or did she give up and go back to civilization? In this caser I'd say the actions speak louderthan words in the end.
2 - Natalie
It is indeed a good read, if slightly odd in its 19th-century sentiments at times. Susanna did stick it out for a while, before helping to engineer a job for her husband in town. She argues in this, and later books, that emigration by the English gentry to the colonies was a mistake, since the men and women were ill-equipped for the labour they faced, which was probably a fair conclusion.
3 - SFC Ski
Little known fact, but because the English settlers were often drawn from the book-smart classes, they actually hired Poles and other European craftsmen to do the hands on building of their colonies.
4 - Purple Tigress
I think that in order to control women, they are taught to be helpless by society, however, they are taught to be helpless at different things depending upon class and culture. I thingk stereotypes attempt to do the same things with other minorities.
It is therefore the challenge of every woman and every minority to identify those forms of helplessness and strive to overcome them despite being labeled various unattractive things.
This, however, probably makes it more difficult for such a woman to become married or remain married IMHO.
5 - SFC Ski
I disagree, PT, it starts in the home. It also doepends on the individual girl's personality, but parenting definitely has a lot to do with it. Now, society does have an impact, but if it were the main reason, how would one explain the headstrong women throughout history?
I encourage my daughter to try to do everything once or twice and stick with what she likes, I can only hope that will give her the confidence she will need to face the world. It is surprising the things she can do if given the chance.
6 - Purple Tigress
I was remembering the kind of things people told me I couldn't be when I was growing up: an artist, a scientist, a writer among other things.
I also remember being told what I couldn't be if I wanted to get married. Smart? Good at math? Opinionated?
It's interesting to see how people form images of you based on how your write. As a woman, some people think I must be the stereotypical overweight, stringy-haired, unattractive woman unless they think I'm a man.
That's the beauty and lesson of the Internet.
7 - SFC Ski
I was hoping you'd come back with a personal experience.
I never pictured you as an overweight stringy-haired woman, but you are correct in stating that many readers form an image of the writer based on the writing.
8 - Natalie
I can only agree with you Purple Tigress, that it is the responsibility of us all to stand up against these strictures - a stand that has got me into some pretty odd places doing some pretty odd things, from butchering a sheep to playing rugby against the blokes.
As for remaining married, then I think it is true (although I've never been, and never had any desire to be married). But I have studied with a lot of women who came to tertiary education late in life, wanting to spread their wings and take on intellectual challenges (which can be just as frightening as physical), and observed that it does tend to wreck marriages if the men (as is often the case) are entirely satisfied with where they are.
9 - Natalie
SFC SKi - I'm really glad you're encouraging your daughters to be adventurous and brave, but remember they'll also be getting lots of messages, from the TV, from movies, from their peers, that this isn't the way they should be behaving and particularly, as Purple Tigress indicated, not the way to "win a man".
10 - Dave Nalle
>>Little known fact, but because the English settlers were often drawn from the book-smart classes, they actually hired Poles and other European craftsmen to do the hands on building of their colonies.<<
Good point, Ski. The Mayflower even had onboard more 'strangers' who were hired to do the work than it had actual settler families. Among them, interestingly, was at least one moslem or 'moor' from North Africa.
Dave
11 - Teraqaira
Book Review: Stolen Childhood
Date: Friday, November 04 @ 22:37:43 PST
Topic: Articles and Reports
Book Title: A Childhood Taken Away by a Mother and Grandfather
Author: Linda Sommer Farley
ISBN: 1413775195 Publish America - Publisher
One of the most beautiful aspects of life is the relationship and love between a mother and child. To go through life without a mother's love can be very cruel and difficult. It can easily destroy you or as in my case make you stronger. With determination you can have a wonderful life after experiencing a tough childhood. After fifty-three years of dealing with someone who was incapable of showing me any respect or love, I can say that I have finally broken free from my mother's bondage.
After all of these years I can finally be the person who I want to be. It is as if I have just now begun to live. I will continue to write about my experiences as a child; hopefully, what I have been through will help others. I now know that a new beginning is possible no matter what life throws your way.
Farley was born in Springfield, Illinois. She grew up in a large family where money was scarce. Her mother was not around for a great deal of her childhood. She was the sixth child of eight and had the responsibility of raising her younger siblings when no one was at home. A sexual abusive grandfather and a mother with a gambling addiction were traumatic parts of her life.
This book contains some of Farley's life stories. She describes the difficulties and accomplishments she has experienced.
She wrote this book with the purest of intentions - TO HELP OTHERS..
A Childhood Taken Away by a Mother and Grandfather can be ordered at :
Barnes & Noble.com, Amazon.com, Forbes book club.com, Books com, Cokesbury.com, This article comes from NewsCentralAsia
12 - Billy William
Book Review - Title of book - A childhood taken away by a Mother and Grandfather
William - Online Shopper
This is a book that will make you laugh and cry. It is filled with emotion. I had no idea that a person could go through so much. It is a book that tells of real life circunstances. I recomend people with or without problems read this book. I will say that after reading this book that you can have a better life by never giving up.
13 - David
Iam so happy to have read the book - "A Childhood Taken away by a Mother and Grandfather." As I read each chapter I almost felt the pain and hurt that the author - Linda Sommer Farley did, from her experience of no love or tenderness from her mother. I hope children who have gone through life without love can learn as Linda did to find love , and to love in return.
14 - Susainnet
Hey - I thought I went through a lot of crap but Linda Sommer Farley went through hell. Her book makes me feel better.
15 - Steven
Thank you for letting me know about the book - A Childhood Taken Away by a Mother and Grandfather.
I let my daughter read it and now her values have changed from being arrogant to having compassion for others.
16 - Douglas Mays
Natalie, a very interesting point you bring up. Especially in this day and age where maybe a touch of ingrained female helplessness is compounded by the modern day issues of oppression of women. Namely in the form of means of control by the pathological, sociopathic world of men and other forces that slip under the radar.
Ugh! See my rants in some other posts. In certain ways, maybe you could say that helplessness has turned into imprisonment. Or being psychologically choked. The bars or the hands around the neck may be invisible to the human eye but very visible to the oppressed woman.
Oh, enuf for now. I have seen such ugly examples of such. You think society would be more advanced. In a way it is further behnd.
Ugh! I better drink some coffee and wake up. Hopefully I made a bit of sense...
best,
DM
17 - Linda
May the new year bring you peace and understanding.
18 - Charmain
One of the most beautiful aspects of life is the relationship and love between a mother and child. To go through life without a mother's love can be difficult. The only thing I received from my mother was an
addiction to gambling. As a baby to adulthood I was raised around gambling. During these frequent card games for money there was terrible language used, arguing, and fighting. I could play a hand of poker at the age of five -- Linda Sommer Farley
Synopsis:
Linda tells us what life was like for her growing up. She shares with us the trauma of having an abusive grandfather and a mother with a gambling addiction and how it effected her throughout her life. She expresses her embarrassment of growing up poor and the challenges she faced through out her school years due to her poverty. She wrote this book with the purest of intentions - to in some way help others.
This book : A Childhood Taken Away by a Mother and Grandfather
Author: Linda Sommer Farley is available at: Barnes& Noble.com, Borders.com, Collinsbooks.com.au, Foyles uk.com, Target.com, TextbooksRus.com, and can also be ordered at Barnes & Noble and Borders Express book stores.
19 - Marcia Neil
To a female, an egg is never 'just something else to eat'. Human males will agree that human eggs are 'not to eat' (basic church training), hence the conditioned helplessness women can feel among human males that have not learned any basic totemism -- i.e., believe that only human eggs are 'not to eat'.
20 - Teriance
I want the author of - A Childhood Taken Away by a Mother and Grandfather - know that her father did love her. Her mom was more interested in gambling and herself then Linda.
21 - Adam
I remember in school learning about how capable women have been throughout the past century, but now I am looking at all the women in my life and it is ridiculous. I don't know if I just have too many narcissistic women in my life, but it seems like all of the women I am close to (my mom and girlfriend and her friends) depend on me like I'm their parent or something. Nothing gets done unless I do it, and then there's never any gratitude, because I'm simply doing what they believe I'm obligated to do...
My mom actually cleans the house, which is more than most of the other women, but if she needs a drink from the store, she would call me and tell me it was an emergency and I should take off work early to pick it up for her before she would take the time to drive and pick it up herself.