I teach at a women’s university. So as to be expected my students are women. And women do talk about things men rarely talk about. They talk about their relationships… a lot. And what I find them talking about in particular is the sorry state of men who are younger than 30. As a consequence, many of my students date men and even marry men significantly older than they are. So why do so many young women tell me they avoid young guys these days?
The answer is both sad and simple and it’s not all about the money. The problem, as my students put it, is that young men who were raised without fathers tend to be, well, "pussies". Not that young men today don’t sport big muscles, or kill each other in drug shoot outs, or beat each other’s brains out in bars, but after all the macho bravado, most of them go back home to Mom. In fact, far too many young men still live with their moms. And young women want men who can take care of themselves rather than tough, tattooed and pierced pussies who depend on their mothers and, for all intents and purposes, have as the single most important goal in their lives the replacement of their mothers with large breasted mommy substitutes.
So boys if you want to have some luck with the ladies, I have a hint for you. Put off that next tattoo and that next rivet in your face and grow some real balls. Instead of just buying the "YOUR FATHER IS A BASTARD" line your mom sold you, pry yourself away from your mom and say "Hi" to your dad. You might be surprised. You really will do better with women. The old cliché used to be "If you want to know how he will treat you see how he treats his mother". The new cliché is "If you want to know how he will treat you see how well he gets along with his father".
In the post-divorce generation, boys lost their dads and as a consequence they are losing their women to the very same old guys their mothers divorced. Maybe the old guys limp and have a bit of grey hair, but they had dads, and they tend to be men. Young women actually like men; ask them if you don’t believe me.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Lisa McKay
This sure seems like an over-simplification to me, James. First of all, I know an awful lot of kids who come from divorced families who continued to have a real relationship with their fathers - in fact, they are the rule rather than the exception. There seem to be a whole lot of posts around here lately blaming women for the consequences of divorce - my guess is that in any divorce, there's enough blame to go around. If a man loses touch with his own children, I'd say that's his own fault, or is the new game in town for men to play the victim card when it comes to broken marriages?
2 - bhw
James, you think this May-December romance thing is something new? It's been around for centuries, just like the "May-December" name for it.
You seem to have a lot of disdain for the group of young people you teach. That's kind of sad.
3 - carmine
Lisa,
I'm not blaming just the mothers; right now I am blaming their sons. After all once a guy is over 13 he can pick up the phone and call his dad if his dad isn't in jail. Also, this is not an exaggeration, young women are dating older men and, what's even more telling is older women tend to be dating young guys! Ask your young woman friends. It is all pretty amazing to me.
4 - bhw
Also, this is not an exaggeration, young women are dating older men and, what's even more telling is older women tend to be dating young guys!
So, following your logic from the post, these older women are into pussies who have tattoos?
5 - andy marsh
where are all these younger women??? I want one!
6 - carmine
Oh my no, Please do not take it that way bhw!!!!
I really think today's youth are great. Way more insightful than my stoned out crowd. The real joy of teaching undergrads is you get to talk to young people all the time and they constantly show you how wrong your presumptions are. I am genuinely sorry if you, or anyone, gets the idea that I (God forbid!) "disdain" the Millennial's generation. You guys are really doing great things, no joke. This whole blog thing is YOU. I am only a fogey interloper, and I am very proud of the kids these days that kick our old botoxed, skinny poney-tailed, liposucked asses.
7 - Steve S
I have three sisters, ages 43, 36 and 30. Not exactly college age anymore, but they echo what your students are saying.
Instead of 'pussies' though, they call them 'mama's boys', and there are too many of them apparently. (Men who are looking for a mother instead of a wife)
I think this is just one indirect result of a generation or two growing up, having learned how to abdicate responsibility.
Maybe I'm missing something that those here who disagree with you are seeing, because I usually agree with them on most everything, but I do see what you are talking about, even if I'm exposed to a different age group.
8 - Lisa McKay
Steve, I was reacting to the sense I had from reading James's post that it's essentially the fault of mothers, who divorce fathers and then keep the kids away from them, a point that I disagree with. While broken homes certainly contribute to a lot of problems, I think the extended adolescence that a lot of young people seem to experience these days is probably the result of any number of things. And as bhw pointed out earlier, the younger woman-older man thing has been going on forever - a lot of women have always preferred partners who are already established in their careers and earning money.
9 - dietdoc
Lisa writes: "There seem to be a whole lot of posts around here lately blaming women for the consequences of divorce - my guess is that in any divorce, there's enough blame to go around."
Reply: Amen. Having been through one (after 24 years of marraige), my office staff (all women) seem to marvel at the willingness and sense of duty I have about paying a rather hefty monthly alimony check. My thinking is, just as you say, that I am as much or more to blame for the failure of my marraige as my wife. As a result, she deserves to be compensated and provided for, at least financially, as my vows of 1973 dictate.
I have no intentions of ever marrying again as, after the conclusion of that sad experience has taught me, I am not "the marrying kind." But I have no problem with making sure a woman who put up with me for almost a quarter of a century continues to live "in the style to which she is accustomed." I gave her the house, everything in it and have every intention of compensating her for the rest of my life.
Divorce has no winners. But we must do the best we can with the life after it ends. As for the issue of children, I failed almost as badly with them as I did with my wife, but I will live with that, as well. So, I have nothing to offer to the current conversation.
Cheers,
Ron
10 - RJ
Ron - You are a man for admitting that. We all make mistakes; after all, we are all human. But not everyone can admit to those mistakes. You have. Bravo.
11 - dietdoc
RJ writes: "Ron - You are a man for admitting that. We all make mistakes; after all, we are all human. But not everyone can admit to those mistakes. You have. Bravo."
Reply: That "gift" (or shall we call it a curse?) comes with a price, my friend. I appreciate the acknowledgement. I wish I had been smarter a long time before. But, those who choose to look at their lives in retrospect, never have anything to look forward to. I do look forward to better days, hopefully. I forfeited the "blame game" - a game your mind can never win - a long time ago.
Cheers, my friend,
Ron
12 - fem
Hmm...just wondering why the choice of words. Wouldn't a less offense term, one not directed at defaming the female genitalia, have been more appropriate for this discussion?
13 - Mina
I'm not sure that I agree with anything I've read. I'm 35. I've been through alot - more than most - fatherless (mother was 18) - adopted father (real father's best friend)- raised in a happy friendly environment. I love my dead mother - I even think that I love my father...yeah...right... Sexually abused by step/adopted father's sibblings, grew up with two great half brothers. Surviveded a great phase... mother divorced step-dad. step dad wanted nothing to do with me. Raised brothers while mother went back to work. raised brothers while mother died of cancer, reconciled with step father in order to preserve relationship with brothers. Thrown out on ass by step father at 18. fought for partial custody. WON. Put myself throgh school. Graduatd from college with a 3.9 . Am a successful individual - Professionally.
Personally - don't know where I stand... But I know that age doesn't matter. We live in an era where people focus on the "who's" and the "why's" and the gossip. Frankly, who gives a shit? I live with a younger guy, who sleeps while I type this. ALl of our great grandparents married folks of the same age desparity you are agonizing over...I don't really belive that age matters when it comes to a relationship between two individuals... Jesus - a young guy sleeping verses an old guy who would want to be with me? I would not be wasting my time on this... Forget the financials. GET A CLUE.
14 - Mitch
Yep, I agree with Mina. Age is irrelavent. If you love someone that's all that matters. I reckon if I had a younger partner my concern would be our common interest. I certainly do not do the bar scene at 42 and have no interest to. Would she still be into going to night clubs? Not sure don't really care...just writing this cuz I'm bored right now.
15 - Stef
Yes i agree women are looking at younger guys 2 date the reason i think is they are more secure in life they hav already bin threw there stagers such as adolesence.and they are more mature and they hav learnt wot not wot to do in relationships or are learning?
And at the end of the day who is to say there 2 young or 2 old 4 u its a personal decision and should b left a that!
16 - mom
I'm a mother of an 18 year old daughter who just started university. She has secretly been dating a 30 yr old divorcee w/ 2 kids. He was her "friend" since she was 15 or 16.
I would do anything to get her to see that she'll be the loser in this situation. His daughter is 6 yrs younger than her. She has a brother the same age that she can hardly stand and she thinks that this will all work out.
My heart aches for her. We can't seem to get through to her. She thinks that an older guy isn't as "horny" as an older guy Yet, friends told us that he publicly said that he will fuck her when she turns 18. Too bad they didn't tell us this when they heard it.
He denied it to her. Older guys - more slick, know all the moves - I find what he did dispicable - making his moves on her when she was so young and vunerable. He took advantage of her innocence. He had her babysit his kids one summer - it never sat right w/me - but she said it's good money, - FOUND OUT later that he was looking for someone who was good with his kids. Most 16 yr olds are good as babysitters.
As a mother of a daughter who is smitten by an older man, who can't seem to see that his selfish ways will only benefit him, I say shame on older men esp. with children who go for young girls.
Who picks up the pieces later?
Mom
17 - Carmine
Hi Mom,
Yes this is one of the problems created by a world where fatherless girls become women by going with older men while fatherless boys remain mother dependent children, and ultimately only end up with much younger women once they themselves become too old for those very women. Your teenaged daughter is likely just dating a teenager in a 30-year old body. Things may not be as bad as you think.
18 - Ekizabeth
The reason younger women date older men has to do with the way they are treated. An older man takes the time to make there women feel appreciated in all areas sexual and emotional and to me that is just sexy
19 - Lasha516
Thank you for this clearly presented article; this article helped me to understand why I am interested in older men. I am a college student. I am a highly intellectual being and I thought and still believe that this is the reason why I have this interest. James, would you be able understand? and explain/elaborate further to give me your own opinion?
20 - Dwayne
I am seventy-one, and have never had any problem attracting beautiful young females. I really do not understand what they see in me except they all say I am someone they can talk to, and know I am interested in their life. I am six feet tall and weigh 168 Lbs. I ride bicycles, motorcycles, horses and fly airplanes. I am a portrait artist who is financially comfortable
My latest friend is only 23 and very beautiful, we do love one another and she wants a relationship, while I only want to be friends. We have been friends for more than a year , and I told her early on that if she expected me to bed her she can forget it, I do not take advantage of women no matter what age they are. I am content with my life, and the only maintenance I require from my many female friends is their friendship. Yes it would be very nice to have sex with my young friend, but I could not deal with the guilt of seducing a girl younger than some of my grandchildren. Young females are nice to look at and converse with, but with 48 years age difference, she should search for someone closer to her age, don't you agree James?
21 - Kelly
I agree with the analogy of the divorced/fatherless growing up for guys. I have always said that since I was 17. I am 28 now, always dated older guys. I personally have always been mentally more mature than any of my friends (and still am). The biggest reason I date older men is: they have more respect for me (had mom AND dad around), they aren't into partying, they know themselves better, they are more secure financially, etc.. ok, laugh at this all you want, but I am far better off connecting with a guy mentally than physically. Looks only go so far. Older guys understand this too. Anyhow, I would much rather have a deep/intriging conversation and drink coffee with him, rather than a movie out and sex. Sex eventually gets old in a relationship. The more mature the man, the better off he is mentally connecting with me.
Now at what level of age difference is everyone talking about? On average for me it's 8-10 years. However, I've had plenty of interested men in their mid 40's - 50. I feel I connect with some of them well, however, I'm old enough now to understand LATER down the line it would cause some stress and problems. 10 yrs isn't too bad. However, you can think though too, that having the best 20 years of your life can be better than never have any best years of your life. Yes, i'm still trying to convince myself the age gap! ;)
22 - Jay
not being asociated with you, I would like to interject a personal point of view...That is, todays society has taught the younger generation to be self centered, no sense of consideration for the other person, satisfy ME. The older generation was brought up with different set of values towards other persons, main one is courtesy and respect. This means that in an interactive situation the younger generation tends to be pretty self satisfying while the older men are doing theur BEST to satisfy the women first themselves second.
23 - Kim
I am 33 and engaged to be married to a 49 year old man. I would never ever again consider dating, or worse yet marrying a man in his 30's ever again, for the very reasons mentioned in this article. My ex husband is one of those fatherless men, unfortunately, and he never learned how to be a man, only to sponge off of me and be a selfish, whiny pussy who threw temper tantrums and humiliated me in public when he didn't get his way. I know there are some exceptions out there. In general, however, it is my contention that "men" (termed as such by virtue of their age only) of my generation just need to park their sorry asses in front of a computer showing nothing but broadband porn 24-7 and simply masturbate themselves out of existence.
24 - zingzing
jay-that's silly. over-generalization at its best. "the older generation" yadda yadda yadda. there are bastards in my father's generation and there are bastards in his father's generation and there are bastards in my generation who are raising little bastards of their own. no offense meant, but your answer is a total crock of shit.
come on now... this article is pretty silly too. hrm. women like men who can take care of themselves... no shit. can the average 18-year-old take care of himself? nah. he doesn't even have a college degree. what about a 25-year-old? sometimes. by the time they are thirty, most men can hack it in the real world. i don't know how much it really has to do with single-parent homes. lots of women come from single-parent families as well, yet there is nothing said about that? how many of them are looking for daddy? are they mooches? i wouldn't really have the balls to say.
i think it has less to do with people, men and women, wanting a more mature life. women just tend to want it earlier. meh.
25 - ashley
if my boyfriend is 16 and i am 18 and if we get married wouldn't i go to jail for that?