As I watched the UPS truck squeal its tires and quickly disappear, I looked down and felt the package in my hands. It was a big package; a bit heavy, with the usual markings of a package shipped across the country. I quickly opened it and shuddered with delight because my Christmas present had arrived! It was the $400 Christmas Light professional-grade kit!
My girlfriend, suddenly aware of all the commotion and barking made by our dogs inside the house, barged into the garage and saw my sheer ecstasy. She demanded to know what was in the package. I told her it was from Playboy. She rolled her eyes again and demanded to see the package. I refused.
She had a perturbed look and insisted I give her the package. I finally relented, under threat of sleeping on the couch permanently, and gave her the package. She gasped and made the face of a woman scorned, which I knew was a terrible thing to witness. It’s even worse when the woman scorned has absolutely no justification to feel that way.
She demanded I return the package immediately. I refused. I told her it was worth every penny of $400. She asked me if I’d hired an electrician. I told her an electrician wasn’t needed, that I would simply buy the $40 DIY kit and merge the two and hope for the best. I asked her why she was being so difficult. She chuckled and informed me through clenched teeth that I could either sleep on the street and admire my unplugged Christmas Light show kit, or return it and have a nice place in the house. Either way, she said, no Christmas Light show kits were going to be plugged in on our property. I shrugged and sighed. It was a lost cause. She thought I wanted to burn our house down, like always.
How unreasonable she is, that woman, though I love her. I hope she’ll love me tomorrow after I plug in the $400 kit (I’ll worry about the electricians next year.)
Happy Holidays.
Article comments
1 - Nancy
I look forward to your article written on how you burned the house down by overloading the circuits & various other safety violations, co-written perhaps by the insurance co. or the fire marshal. It should make for salutory (& admonitory) reading by the rest of us.
2 - Mike Paahana
cause my mother lived in it
3 - Pyro
BURN IT, BURN IT ALL!! BURN IT DOWN! DOWN, DOWN, DOWN TO THE GROUND!!