Thanks to my brother-in-law for this useful synopsis, which he recommended I forward to "women who can handle it and men who will enjoy it". Since I assume that all my readers will qualify, I post it here.
Men are just happier people—for a number of reasons that aren't necessarily fair, but who ever said life was fair?
Your last name stays put. Your garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You can realistically consider being President. You will never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, same pay. But you don't have to avoid jobs that call for math or physical science.
Wrinkles add character.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
The occasional "wardrobe malfunction" is greeted with a friendly "XYZ, man!"
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Maybe generations.
You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, works for all seasons.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on December 24th in 24 minutes.
So you do.
No wonder men are happier!
Article comments
1 - Victor Plenty
But, what if I wanna get pregnant? Huh, Doc? What then?
"It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them." -- Loretta, the Israelite formerly known as 'Stan' in Monty Python's Life of Brian.
2 - DrPat
You left out the interjections:
...right to have babies if he......wants them."It's every man's...
3 - Victor Plenty
The interjections came earlier. Loretta/Stan was the one who did the interjections, and only on other people's statements, not on his/her own.
At least, according to this source.
4 - Triniman
I think women should start a trend away from pricey wedding dresses. Paying $5000 for a wedding dress when you can't really afford it or can put the money to better use, always struck me as being really dumb. Especially when tux rentals are a fraction of the cost.
So, ladies, so NO to expensive wedding dresses. It's just a big scam and it's time you admitted it. Ditto for the expensive engagement ring. Try something more affordable, while not being silly about it.
You can still have a romantic wedding without wasting money.
Okay, flame away.
5 - bhw
"You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt."
Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty. So said my 8th grade shop teacher. I taught it to my six-year-old daugther last week as we took the training wheels off her bike.
"People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them."
They do if you have man-boobs.
Fun post, DrPat!
6 - Victor Plenty
Or, women could dress far more formally on an everyday basis, to make sure the money spent on all that specialized wedding clothing could earn back part of the expense over time, instead of all being worn only once.
7 - HW Saxton
I don't think that men are any happier
than than the ladies are necessarily.
It's(IMO)that we have been raised and
taught to hide our emotions and not show
what we are feeling as much as women are
taught to do. This is why men are often
seen as being callous & emotionally shut
down. Fathers MAY tell their daughters
to:"Go ahead and cry you'll feel better"
chances of him ever telling his son that
(except in an extreme situation such as
a death in family)are highly unlikely.
When you are a boy and get hurt,you're
always told to "take it like a man" or
if you are having some sort of emotional
upheaval you are supposed to remain cool
and stoic.To do otherwise is considered
as showing weakness and is not looked on
favorably.
This is changing slowly with the growing
popularity of Self Help books.Therapy is
slowly losing it's negative stigmata and
is helping more men deal with emotions.
But as men are still seen as being the
stronger sex and until the fairer sex
will accept that men can & do get upset
to the point of tears it'll be a long
time until men are able to show emotions
without being perceived as "weak".Truth
be told, a lot of women are put off by
the idea of man crying.Since we are the
one's that are supposed to be able to be
cool,calm and collected when emotions
are brought to the fore,until women are
a bit more accepting of men openly being
able to show their emotions men will not
be changing any time soon.
In summation we aren't any happier & we
aren't any sadder, we just do not wear
our emotions on our sleeves like a lot
of women do. This isn't all men or all
women of course,just a generalization of
the way I see things.
8 - -E
Heh. Maybe I should be worried if half of those things still apply to me and I'm not male?
9 - DrPat
The statements I expected to be controversial have been ignored. All the commentary concerns things I thought would be obvious, "of course!" items:
Mesmerization by chest.
Male pregnancy.
Expensive wedding dresses.
Men's emotions for any non-sports topic.
Well, bhw did catch me up on the gender-related nut-tightening knowledge. I'm glad that new generations of women are learning how to unscrew.
10 - Shark
(Shark's Reply)
DrPat: "...The statements I expected to be controversial have been ignored..."
Like the "math and science" line?
Man, that was a low blow! The wife see that one?
And if so, where ya sleepin' tonight, Doc?
11 - DrPat
My spouse's brother provided the list in the first place, so all consequences devolve upon him. [grin]
Besides, specifying women who can handle it is a sly way to derail protests. My brother-in-law is a 30-year veteran of political infighting, and it shows even in his casual eMails.
And finally, I slept very well last night, thanks. 'Course, my spouse may not have noticed that I posted this to the "wider world" yet...
12 - Victor Plenty
DrPat, is it any surprise we all steered clear of the items you expected to be controversial, when you yourself decline to list even a single example? Instead you list most of the "obvious" non-controversial items the rest of us chose to comment upon, showing you clearly agree that it is much safer to be seen joking about those statements.
13 - sandra smallson
I don't know if "happier"is the word I would use to describe the "advantages" men get from not going through some of the things you have listed.
My response to this post IS...women are known to hyphenate their maiden surnames with their marital names these days. So, that's no longer an issue. Moreover, we don't see it as a big deal, really. I certainly don't. My name doesn't make me who I am, I make my name what it is....you get my point..
You can keep the garage..who gives a toss?! All we want is our own bathroom and a second bedroom/walk in closet.
We like planning weddings both ours and others. WHEN we decide to get married, the actual planning of the marriage is more of an incentive than meeting the fella at the altar in most cases. Do not underestimate modern hen nights.
Well, the pregnancy thing. Body changes are frightening etc, but we have that special bond and get that special thrill when we see the child and know that regardless of whether your sperm put it there, it grew in us and came from us and for that we are proud. It's a feeling men will never have or never understand.
There are many female presidents and prime ministers the world over. Perhaps you should have added "in the U.S.A" in that comment of yours. That, I'm sure is soon to change over there as well. Besides, not many of us give a shit about that either.
The T-shirt thing? err..no big deal. Simple trip to the beaches in the South of France and I certainly let the gals hang out and run free without my bikini top. Otherwise, we like to wear clothes. Why do u think we shop so much?
Car mechanics? Who are they?
Yes, the urinal thing is a piss taker but again, it's no torment.
Turn a bolt? What's a bolt?
NOW, the same work, same pay is a frigging piss taker. I give you that.
Physical science? Is that labour? Who wants to do that? Math? Now, that's just ignorance on your part because I don't believe that nonsense about women not knowing their mathematics. If we don't know it, it's because we have no interest in it.
Wrinkles add character? Only if your mug is as perfectly sculpted as that of The Rock, Paul walker, Matthew Mcconaughey, Brad pitt, george clooney, Blair Underwood, Paul newman..you catch my drift? The rest of you just look wrinkly. As for us women? Wrinkles? what are they?
I slap a man who belches in my presence. I will not stand for it.
Shoe torture? Beauty is pain. We suffer for our art. One mood all the time for men? I have encountered many pre-menstrual men, i can tell ya that. Plus, we don't care that we have mood swings. It is to be expected.
Who cares about tanks?! You guys end phone conversations in 30 secs cos you lack the attention span and vocabulary to carry it on any longer than that.
We like that they stare at our chests more often than not. It's a great indicator that you are talking to a moron so you know what to do.
How can anyone travel with just one suitcase? That's why we call you men, pigs:) Who told you we want to open our jars? What do you think you were put on this earth for? Extra credit for thoughtfulness? From who? I EXPECT thoughtfulness and so should every woman.
It depends on WHO is forgetting to invite us;)
I WILL NOT marry a man who wears a $100 rented tux to our wedding. Heaven forfend! What nonsense! A majority of women would not, either.
Well, we expect good quality boxers or Y fronts only if you are TRAVIS from the CK ads:) We love to spend lots on our underwear. The misconception that it is mainly for you guys must be put to bed now..we like to see ourselves in sexy underwear, didn't you know?
Who told you 3 pairs of shoes are more than enough?
It's 2005, baby..we don't care about the bra straps anymore. In fact, if it's a good colour, we often want them to show.
Most of us, PLAN our wardrobe malfunctions down to the T.
There ARE wrinkles in men's clothes..you are all just too lazy to do anything about it..dumb fucks. What changes colour on a woman's face? I am puzzled.
Who told you the same hairstyle lasts for decades? WHO TOLD YOU THAT LIE? You better change that mullet you are carrying around. You are upsetting many people.
You better shave that back..and if the chest, thighs and legs are a bit much..you better dash to the waxers. I don't know who is letting you live in this fools paradise:)... and why oh why do you think we still don't play with toys?;)
Who told you one colour lasts for all seasons. No wonder you are happy. Ignorance is bliss. If you have a big belly it better be a sign of wealth. we will not stand for it if you are poor or just middle class with a big belly. That is just a sign that you are lazy and an over eater if you don't have the chesse in your wallet to match your stomach.
Yah..we love chocolate. It's a bitch a'int it!
Yes, the shorts thing is another piss taker.
WHO told you you can do your nails with a pocket knife? What are you? A BEAST?
Xmas shopping on xmas eve for 24 relatives in 24 minutes? yes..that's why the art of shopping is something the male of the species will NEVER, NEVER understand.
Happier? I think not! IGNORANT pigs more like it.
14 - Shark
Sandra on babies: "...it grew in us and came from us and for that we are proud. It's a feeling men will never have or never understand."
You forgot: we get kidney stones.
15 - Victor Plenty
And the award for Dreariest Rant On a Joke Post goes to...
(wait for it!)
... Sandra Smallson!
(Let's all hope for an early cut to commercial during the acceptance speech, which is sure to be interminable.)
16 - DrPat
Sandra, you missed the most important phrase in the post: women who can handle it. Since your response shows you took offense instead, I suspect you do not qualify.
That being the case, I'm sure you'll understand why I do not respond to your comments, except to suggest that a good sense of humor is an attraction beyond beauty in a woman.
Too bad for you they don't sell it on a hanger or at the makeup counter...
17 - sandra smallson
Does it sound or should I say, seem like I took offense to the post? What did the poster expect? A "ha ha ha" response from everyone?
I actually took no offense whatsoever to the post which is why you will find lots of smiles in my post and winks as well..but please, by all means, if you think I took offense to it..think on and respond accordingly. I have received and flung worse on this blog and I am yet to take personal, anything. I don't think I will be starting here.
Still, please don't let me stop you guys, you are on a roll..carry on with the humour being sold at the beauty shop or whatever drivel it was you wrote there...my advise for you is that a man knows when he is with a beautiful woman, he will keep cracking jokes from all angles until he finds the one that makes her laugh..
So, beautiful women don't HAVE to have a sense of humour to suit the man's jokes..the man HAS TO CRACK the jokes that suit the woman's sense of humour. That's a perk of being pleasing to the eye. For the record, I did find the post funny. Clearly, I was supposed to do the stepford wife thing and go..ha ha ha..I can't oblige. My apologies.
Even the "ignorant pigs" although written in upper case was a joke..although in this case, clearly never a truer word said in jest:)
I am assuming Shark(of all people, heavens preserve us)...took my response in the vein in which it was written and responded accordingly and his response made me laugh. I never thought the day would come...
18 - Victor Plenty
It might've been funnier if you HAD taken offense.
19 - sandra smallson
Yes. I am at my best when I am on the attack. I crack jokes..perhaps you guys should try harder. I promise to take offense to the next thing that I disagree with even slightly..then just watch out for the laughs....
20 - Temple Stark
Sandra sounded sane and sensible here, Just don't ask her about madonna ;-)
Says a man RIGHT NOW listening to Missy Elliott's "Toys."
"Sample lyric" :::
You don't get the job done when I need a little loving / So I got to do the job myself / When I need a little loving /
A toy / Every girl must have a toy / The way it make you feel / I keep my butterfly close when you don't wanna be bothered / Don't go waking wake up. I'm not giving you nada.
21 - Dan
Funny post. The best was the Christmas shopping finale.
I think my wife keeps me around in order to kill things for her. Errant spiders and such. I was called away from the Bengals/Bears game the other day to perform a mercy kill on an unfortunate bird that had crossed paths with "Warren", our cat. Thankfully we have Tivo. I hastily selected a crow-bar to end the misery. Just as I was poised to bludgeon, the wife decided she couldn't watch, and made me and the agonized bird wait 'till she ran safely back inside the house.
22 - Mr.Mukesh Jain
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