Dear Biatch,
I've been dating this guy for a while now. Our first couple dates were great. On our 3rd date, he invited me over to his place to watch a movie, and we ended up having sex. Since then, he never asks me out for weekends and he never actually takes me out. Instead, we always go over to his place and "watch movies." We have a good time, but I worry that this has become an "arrangement" instead of a relationship. What do you think I should do?
-Olivia
Olivia,
Ever heard the phrase, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well, Olivia, you're the cow. And the milk is your sweet, sweet love. It seems like you know what your problem is here. You have an arrangement. A relationship involves getting to know each other and not just in a carnal way. A few things to remember:
1. Men who like you want to see you on weekends. That is prime dating real estate. If he isn't seeing you then, there's a good chance he's seeing someone else then, or he's hoping for something better than you to come up. Either way, that's not good. An ex of mine had a great way of describing this. Girls that were worth a hook up but not a weekend night were known as "Weekday Hos." Olivia, do you want to be a weekday ho?
2. Neither having sex nor watching movies involves actually getting to know more about you as a person. If he isn't making an effort to find out more about you - your middle name, your childhood pet, your latest project at work - then he isn't interested in you for your personality.
3. Who can blame a guy for keeping a girl around who sleeps with him without expecting anything in return? By coming over and sleeping with him, you are reinforcing his behavior. If you want him to date you, you need to start turning him down for these little movie nights. Next time he asks you to come over, suggest going out and grabbing dinner. It'll tell you all you need to know if he balks.
So Olivia, it's time for you to break lover boy out of this routine. If it doesn't work, tell him to shove his arrangement. You're no weekday ho!
Love,
Biatch
.jpg?t=20120527181101)
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - Eric Olsen
I love having an advise column - thanks and welcome Love Biatch! This would be great as a regular feature
2 - Dawn
I agree with Biatch, kick this guy to the curb, he clearly isn't mature enough to handle a relationship or he's a dickface. Either way he sucks.
Unless he's good for sex, in which case do what you like.
3 - Nancy
I have a kind of stupid (I suspect) question: if a woman dates a guy & doesn't put out by the end of a few dates, is she invariably going to end up high & dry these days, or is she instead just raising her value by not sleeping around? What about STDs? I was under the impression that both for the disease & 'morals' factor (if there is such a thing anymore) it's considered 'not done' to have sex w/out being in a deeply committed relationship, a turnaround from practices of the last few decades where anything goes? What do guys REALLY think about this (I'm not counting skanks like the above who obviously have an agenda to get sex any way they can)?
4 - Phillip Winn
On the one hand, the question seems to stupid and the answer so obvious. On the other, I know people in their 20s who still haven't caught on this. Nice column!
5 - Nancy
Well, no ... too many women have a "it won't happen to me" attitude, or they're in denial or oblivious, I don't know what, but it puzzles me that they will engage in behavior that is hazardous as well as leaving them open to getting a very undesirable reputation; or do reputations not count anymore? I don't know, since I'm not active socially in that way. That's why I'm asking.
6 - Love Biatch
A worthwhile man will wait a while, but even a saint won't wait forever. Nowadays the timeline is pretty fast...so it all depends on what Nancy means by committed relationship. There are a lot of people (men and women both) who are on a 3-4 date sort of schedule with sex. Personally I think it takes longer to get to know someone well enough to really trust them in that way. And I think it is totally fair game to expect the man you are with to be with only you if sex is involved. I am consistently amazed, though, by how many seemingly nice, otherwise respectful guys, think nothing of trying to have unprotected sex. Clearly STD's aren't really on their minds! If you check out my blog you'll see 2 different postings regarding this topic in more detail - Putting Out and Mad Hots. Let me know if you find these helpful!
7 - Eric Olsen
it's hard to be a saint in the city; AND, a working class hero is something to be
8 - Mark Sahm
Jokingly and semi-truthfully, I'll present this theory:
If the opportunity for a relationship is apparent, then women will have sex even if they weren't planning to.
If the opportunity for sex is apparent, then men will get into a relationship even if they weren't planning to.
9 - Nancy
So basically there's no hope for 'nice girls' that aren't into evangelical religion any more? Glad I'm too old for all this *grump*
10 - Bob A. Booey
I like advice columns too. Despite everything I write below, you should keep writing these, Biatch. Perhaps I'll give the real answers your imaginary letter-writers deserve to correct your chick advice.
Guys whose dating game revolves around movies and coming over to their place to watch some lame DVD have no game and are stuck in college, when those things almost work on fat chicks. I personally almost always hate watching movies on dates because the chick wants to watch some manipulative, sappy, saccharine Hollywood drivel that makes my brain ache and then looks at me with big, childish doe-eyes thinking I'm going to kiss her passionately and "make love" to her because I'm so taken with the latest Julia Roberts movie. Most chicks have horrible taste in movies -- my girlfriend's no different, but at least she knows better than to give me crap for watching weird, artsy movies. If you chicks are going to be all about the movies, realize it's only an excuse to get you to put out and you'd better be hot and totally good in the sack if you're going to get all sentimental during horrible films.
Can you offer me any advice on the following letter?
Dear Biatch,
I think you're trying too hard with this Sex-and-the-City style chick blog thing. How old are you? If you're 30 or older, give it up already and find a man who will put up with your chattiness and trite opinions. No one is interested in the immature, childish ramblings of aging women who have hit the wall and still gossip about boys and their pee-pees like 13 year olds with braces at a slumber party.
Chick blogs aren't titillating or interesting -- giggling sex stories aren't interesting unless you're hot.
Are you hot?
Hot chicks don't have the free time to write about this nonsense. The only people who write about their sex lives are people whose sex lives are defined by long periods of interruption. If you want to be hot, stop over-analyzing life and trying to be so cutesy about your precious feelings. Go shopping.
Nancy: I'm a nice guy and women think I'm wonderfully charming, funny and sweet for some reason, but that doesn't mean I don't have STDs. Here's a tip for you ladies about us guys since life is such a mystery to you: if we get laid, we're scumbags no matter how nice we make you feel or how much you want to have our kids. If you want to sleep with us and we give it to you really good, you're going to have your little hearts broken. If you want to be happy, find a guy who can't bang you right and who has a nice safe job to marry when you're 35 and becoming haggardly, and then cheat with someone more exciting if you still have the looks to attract someone like that. If you don't, get a good vibrator and write more chick bloggery. As always, think and feel less (or at least express them openly less often) and be hotter if you're a chick. Then you'll be amazed at how much more interesting men find your "Battle of the sexes" websites and commentary on the various uninteresting sexual mores of your friends and co-workers. Life will go much easier.
There's your answer to life.
That is all.
11 - Tan The Man
Invite him over to listen to music and see what happens.
12 - Love Biatch
No, no I disagree! I'm not sure how "nice" we're talking here. Are we talking about waiting until you're in love, say 6 months or so, or what? I think nice girls just need to find nice boys. If a guy really likes you, he'll wait a while. I suppose I don't really know any guys I'd expect to wait longer than a couple months, but I also live in Los Angeles and therefore date heathens! Take a look at the link below to see what I had to say to someone with a similar question...
http://lovebiatch.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_lovebiatch_archive.html
13 - Bob A. Booey
You don't hate heathens.
Heathens like bimbos with implants, especially in LA. I know LA. I've partied in LA. I own LA.
Your version of heathens are guys who studied English at UCLA and have a Bukowski book on their shelf and drink one too many vodka and tonics. Ooooh ... bad boys! This will make a sizzling blog ... sizzling!
That is all.
14 - Love Biatch
Wow, Bob. Charming aren't you? If you don't like "chick blogs," I suggest you don't read them. Amazingly enough, even attractive and interesting women have time to write and read. Regardless, thanks for the feedback. It is useful for women to know what even angry men have to say. I'll take your tips under advisement...
15 - Nancy
Nooooo...I asked because a friend of mine (20s) likes a guy, but doesn't want to have sex w/anyone but her husband, AFTER they're married. I was brought up that way, but even a few years after me, my younger sister had different views - altho not from my parents! Somehow a few of us seem to have imbibed notions from the 19th century...? I don't know; I can't help but feel that if she puts out w/anyone less than a fiancee at least, she's being cheap. I was rather astounded when I saw "4 Weddings & a Funeral" & the heroine was recounting the 40+ sex partners she'd had. I would NOT have touched her with a 10-ft pole for fear of disease at least, let alone who she'd screw the first time my back was turned, had I been the H. Grant character. It just seems ... loose?... to me. But I admit I'm an old fuddy-duddy before my time.
16 - Bob A. Booey
Religion's not hot.
But in all seriousness, Nancy, nice girls should meet a nice guy through some church function. He'll be uptight sexually and won't know how to dance, but at least he won't pressure the nice girl for sex but once a week, and only in the most appropriate terms. Jesus freaks make good Dads if you want a husband, I'm sure. But the kids will rebel something fierce -- if it gives you any indication, I was raised going to church every week.
Lighten up, Nancy. What's this "I know too many people THIS has happened to"? What's happened that's so bad, STDs? If you live in a big city, probably at least half of everyone you know has genital warts and HPV. Ever see someone with a cold sore? If you've has ever had a cold sore, that's herpes simplex and you have it for life. I stay away from the herpetics because I'm a germo-phobe (including some hot ass herpetics with the cold sore), but you get the idea. Sex is dirty and gross and fun.
Coming over and listening to music is like the old person's version of the "come over and watch a DVD" game. "Why don't ya come over and listen to some Benny Goodman on mah new Victrola, schweetheart?" Who sits down with other people and listens to music anymore anyways?
Olsen: I like your working-class hero thing, but I don't know what it means.
That is all.
BABsie, Working Class Hero
17 - Nancy
I didn't mention anything about "I know too many people this has happened to." You have me confused w/another blogger.
18 - Mark Sahm
40 partners is nothing compared to a couple of people I knew in college.
But it brings to mind a question of how many partners most people have had in their lives... and if the averages increase between generations.
19 - Bob A. Booey
Biatch: I am so not an angry man, honey. Get a sense of humor. You'll get laid more.
You forgot what's important:
How old are you?
Are you hot?
These answers determine the purpose of your writing, since you've apparently read too much chick lit and decided to dedicate the entirety of your intellectual and personal interest to trite examinations of dating and sex.
Sizzling, Biatch! Sizzling!
That is all.
20 - Bob A. Booey
Mark: at least among young people, they're having sex later and later and having less intercourse but much more oral sex. So there's a weird paradox where young people are becoming both more conservative sexually but also more casual. Teen pregnancy's way down though, for you right-wingers.
If any of you dare to answer Mark's question by coming up with some fake number of sex partners, save it. That's icky and we both know you're lying :)
Nancy: I get confused easily. I'm not very bright, as you can tell :)
What's so fascinating about sex? I think only horny people like discussing it in the abstract and "what it means." Why's it have to mean anything at all?
That is all.
21 - Mark Sahm
Booey: Without putting myself in the crosshairs of anyone who was offended by your other comments, I agree with you that sex really doesn't mean much, other than a simple exchange of pleasure between people, or the ability to produce offspring. I feel love has very little to do with sex.
22 - todd
If women allow their relationships to become sexual, then want something more, but can't get it, whose fault is that?
I think women should wait a long long time before having sex. It sure solves a lot of problems. In face, I can't think of one problem it causes!
Here is a clew, to all women, if a guy really really loves you/likes you, he might pressure you for sex, but he won't break up with you over it.
If he does break up with you, then he doesn't value you enough or is not mature enough for a lasting relationship. It's really that simple.
23 - LAWoman
This is an age-old problem and it stems back to how women view sex (love) versus how men view sex (sex). No amount of advice is going to change that. It's biological. I am better at the game than most of my friends, but sometimes even I fall into the trap of believing that a guy "likes" me, when in all actuality, he's just fucking me.
24 - Love Biatch
So true, LA Woman! That's why I advocate waiting at least long enough that he has time to "accidentally" fall for you while he's busy trying to get in your pants! At least then you make him work for it a bit...
25 - Bob A. Booey
Let's just play it down the middle, split your differences, and see the common ground here in the center. Let's all be reasonable for a second:
As a guy, I "like" you girls. I "like" girls a lot. I like bangin em.
Now here's the REALLY important question:
How long before you give up the backdoor, ladies? Know what I'm sayin?
I bet I could hit it before appetizers if I wanted to. And that's not my thing.
LA woman - how old are you? Are you hot? That's all that matters in chick blogland.
That is all.