I've resisted writing about Shasta because I don't want to contribute to the continued specter of the manufactured terror of the nightly news. Plus, child abuse is painful to think about, and I worry my thoughts will become too large and burst out of my head, or somehow draw bad energy to our lives. I know it’s crazy to think this way. And that is the best description for my neurotic mommy thoughts about my child’s safety. Crazy, neurotic, over-the-top.
I've done all the things paranoid mothers do. I've searched through the sexual predator registry, aware it is only a list of those who've gotten caught and had the decency to keep their listing current. There may be predators living in our neighborhood that haven't got caught yet, and I have no way of knowing. Terror lurks behind every neighbor door.
It may be hard to believe, but some of the mothers on our block are more fearful than me. One girl is not allowed to play outside at all, while another can only play outside with her brother. I think imprisoning a child in their own home is another form of child abuse. But I can also understand it.
I've decided to defy the news stories, letting my child play outside with groups of children, nervously looking out the window and checking on her every twenty minutes or so. I know if anything ever does happen, people will blame me for not watching her every second. It only takes a few minutes to snatch a child, but I also don't think it’s wise to watch every waking moment of my daughter's life. It’s sending her the wrong message, that girls aren’t free or liberated in any way, they only exist to be snatched and molested and killed. I don't want to send that message. How could we exist in a world like that? So I pretend everything is okay, and slowly drive myself insane with worry.
Back to Shasta.
I couldn't help but go read Duncan's blog. I wanted to see if I could detect his insanity. Could I tell if the person writing in the blog had the potential to do what he did? I felt desperate to have the intuition or piercing insight to see his insanity in his posts. My daughter's life could depend on my discernment.
In the blog, it's obvious that he is a convicted child molester, but I never got the sense he would commit the crimes he's been accused of. Not all child molesters are murderers. Of course, they murder the soul, but bludgeoning parents only in order to take their children is a different level of perpetrator. I have to admit I couldn’t tell by the postings that his future would be splattered on the nightly news. He seemed somewhat normal. He also seemed honest somehow, to let us know up front who he is. There were spelling errors. The postings didn't say anything too outrageous. We bloggers suffer from the ’look at me, look at me’ syndrome, and I’ve read more outrageous posts in other blogs. I couldn't be sure if he was trying to get attention as a blogger, or if he was a madman crying out for help.
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