VATICAN CITY …. Political commentator, Rush Limbaugh, resurfaced in the holy city yesterday, having cut short his honeymoon with his latest wife, Kathryn Rogers. An anonymous Vatican source stated that the radio personality was granted an annulment by the Pope himself due to undisclosed “irreconcilable differences” with the 33-year-old Florida party planner and direct descendant of John Adams.
After the annulment, His Holiness, Benedict XVI – seeking, say critics, to distract attention from further international molestation charges – married the conservative commentator and his piano player, Sir Elton John.
The pop star arrived at the papal apartments in a Dolce & Gabbana chiffon gown, magenta aviator glasses, and a ruby-studded crucifix. Its train was borne by his bridesmaids: Boy George, George Michael, and Eminem (who gave John away). A beaming Mr. Limbaugh, sported a Versace suit and a rainbow Rush No-Boundaries tie. Ditto ensembles were sported by his groomsmen: Glenn Beck, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and Ann Coulter (who gave Rush away). After the ceremony, the bride performed “Don’t Let a Nun Go Down on Me” for His Holiness, who will give audience to Susan Boyle next month.
The last papal nuptials were performed thirty years ago by Benedict’s predecessor, John Paul II. Since then, Madonna and Michael Jackson, among others, have requested Vatican blessings and been rebuffed.
Fox News has speculated that the pontiff made an exception in the case of Limbaugh due to his strong anti-condom, pro-procreation stance. But MSNBC has reminded Rupert Murdock that the rhythm methodist anchor has been married four times – once to an aerobics instructor, another to a baseball usherette – and remains childless, in spite of being a Viagra enthusiast. (In 2006, Limbaugh — returning from the Dominican Republic, reputedly a popular sex tourism destination — was detained by Palm Beach customs officials for possession of Viagra without a prescription. At the time, he was on probation for painkiller abuse and doctor shopping.)
The new Mr. and Mrs. Limbaugh – John is said to be hyphenating now – first met at Hawaii’s exclusive Kahala Resort during the ’09 holiday season. When returning to his Imperial Suite, the pop star ran into the commentator being rushed out of his Presidential suite on a gurney, suffering from an apparent heart attack. Ordering the panicked EMT’s aside, the take-charge pianist revived the patient with CPR and mouth-to-mouth. The next day, Sir John – still under fire from his embrace of Eminem and Axl Rose – sent an arrangement and a Godiva cupid to the homophobic commentator at The Queen’s Medical Center.
After release from the hospital, Limbaugh exchanged e-mails with John. The entertainers share numerous medical problems relating to heart, hearing, baldness, and weight. Additionally, both are ex-addicts, exhibitionists, and erectile dysfunction sufferers. An insider says Rush (whose middle name is Hudson) confessed to Elton (whose middle name is Hercules) that his angina had come on right after he dropped a Viagra double and while dancing au naturel in front of his mirror to the Bee Gees' “Stayin Alive.” The Rocket Man recommended a pacemaker to the commentator, like his own.