It was, by far, one of the low points in my life. My sister thought it would be fun to make some home movies when I was in Portland a few years ago. Fun-filled days at the ocean, romping with the kids, family and friends that had moved away from Chicago years earlier.
I was not prepared for what I saw on the TV screen when we watched the movies later. Somehow, when I wasn't looking, I had gained thirty pounds. I'm a short woman so I do not carry this well, so you think I would have noticed, but years of wearing "free size" clothing, not owning a scale, and being in my head more than my body had kept me comfortably seated smack dab in a state of denial on a very cushy backside. Now, there I was on the screen, in a bathing suit, something that has always been challenge for this melatonin-challenged body even when I am in shape. It was mortifying, and no one in the room denied it. The thought that hit me right between the eyes was, "This woman has no respect for herself."
That was what I saw. Not fat, though there was that, or that I had on a very old ratty bathing suit and mismatched shorts which would have landed me in a guest slot on What Not to Wear in the blink of an eye.
I saw the lack of respect I had been showing myself for who knows how long.
Immediately upon my return home, I bought a scale, lost the thirty pounds with surprising ease in six months, got my hair trimmed and tossed out that bathing suit.
We're in the time of year now when things are put to bed. Planting bulbs, mulching over tender plants we hope to see return next year. Soon we'll be reflecting on the year past and the one to come. For me, with a birthday falling at the end of the year I always find myself particularly cognizant of how I am preparing the ground for my life in the coming year.
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