First, I propose that we officially change the holiday to "Valentimes Day" since that's what I hear most little kids call it, and it's a cooler, more logical name to boot:
"What time is it?"
"Valentimes."
But whatever you call it, if you're married it's pretty stupid. I love my wife in all the right mushy gushy oingy boingy ways, and don't mind having a day set aside to remind me that it's meet, right and salutary to actually demonstrate this on a periodic basis, but the obligatory nature of the demonstration and the pressure to meet the universal standards to which all companionable men are held on this brightest red of days, really takes a lot of the jolly out of it.
I mean it's not like you have the option to blow it off: you have to live up to your obligation and be cheerful, attentive and sincere about it; but instead of the time, thought, effort and money buying you points on the Big Board, squeals of delight and maybe some extra special attention, you are lucky if you just pull up to the break-even line, meet expectations, and don't disappoint anyone - such disappointments do not fade quickly or rest lightly.
I am certain that if I could take the time and money to REALLY do something special involving, say, hot air balloons, scandalous lingerie, secret bowers, and sleeping until lunch, I would enjoy the process a lot more and see it as obligation a lot less; but for the time being, with little kids and work and life and shit, the options are limited to size and variety of bouquet, mushiness of card, and heartfeltness of presentation.
A slight consolation is that I am not alone. In one recent survey, 91% of married men said V-Day was their least favorite holiday due to the expectations of topping what they did the previous year, and 94% said that any money spent on Valentine's is wasted.
Not that I go that far or really mind or anything - I love my wife and think she's all hot and stuff.
Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - DJRadiohead
Cheers, EO. I am lucky. The Wife to Whom I Am Married is actually pretty sentimental and all but she thinks Valentine's Day is bollocks. That gets me off the hook. Very lucky.
2 - Nancy
Valentine's Day, like most "Days" these days, was created primarily for the merchandizing industry, as a mechanism for separating us from yet more of our hard-earned money. Case in point: recent radio mention that the average person this year can expect to spend about $2 more (on average) than last year - about $100 + change. And like most "Days" this one is getting increasingly expensive; now a card alone is no longer adequate (and even those are pretty pricey these days); now - according to advertisers - you are expected to fork over for bigger, ever more expensive gifts to "prove" you REALLY love the recipient of your largesse.
Bullshit, bah, and humbug! I say do away with all this moneygrubbing, materialistic crap. If you really love someone, a token gift once a year (or once a month if the marketers have their way) won't prove it, and if you don't, the same gift won't make up for those things you don't do which you would if you did love that person, and it's hypocritical anyway.
3 - Mat Brewster
Here here! What an artibrary holiday. Ok dear I love you and to prove it once a year I'll be romantic. What crap. If you don't show your loved one affection on a regular basic, just stay alone.
4 - Eric Olsen
I will, nonetheless, try to get into the proper spirit when the time comes
5 - lori
Please, we suck your wangs. You guys have nothing to complain about.
Buy some flowers and chocolate once a year, ya cheap bastard.
6 - Eric Olsen
on the elevated plane of rhetoric one is merely delineating the conditions under which the spending is conducted
7 - Dawn
Wow, Lori, does it get any plainer and more obvious than that?
Does this mean I have to suck some wang? I guess I can handle it once a year ;)
8 - Liz
Isn't Marylin Monroe famously quoted on her wedding day (to whomever was her first husband) as saying that "his was the last cock she ever had to suck"?
Apart from being a greeting card company "holiday", it smacks of weirdly Pavlovian extortion - if you don't give me flowers & chocolates (or diamonds if you are more upscale) no sex for you mister. Isn't that sort of petty prostitution? Because if you are with someone who does not love you, you know it & no amount of chocolate is going to change that.
9 - Eric Olsen
I would say that is implicit in the bargain, Liz
10 - Victor Plenty
When you get ready to complain about V-Day, whether you're the one weary of being expected to perform, or the one bracing yourself for yet another disappointingly lackluster performance, stop. Take a deep breath.
Ask yourself a simple question: "Would I be better off single and alone this February 14?"
Hopefully your relationship is not so fragile as to fall apart over one Valentimes Day, but asking yourself this question might help you put the stresses of that day into perspective.
After all, it could be worse. For millions of lonely people out there, it is worse. But for the grace of God, and more immediately, the forgiving patience of your romantic partner, lonely is where you'd be, too.
Aren't you glad you ain't?
11 - Eric Olsen
dude, that was way too sincere for this thread
And the answer is "of course."
I am in no way complaining about my "Valentine," just the strictures of the format
12 - Liz
Would I be better off single and alone this February 14?
as my mother used to say, "there are far worse things than being alone".
13 - DJRadiohead
Please, we suck your wangs
I nearly shat myself when I read that. Now I know why The Wife to Whom I Am Married tells me not to bother with Valentine's Day.
Just kidding, dear.
14 - Natalie Davis
Valentines Day does not exist in my household, save for baking cookies for elementary school kids. Then again, neither does wang-sucking.
15 - Eric Olsen
didn't there used to be a computer company named Wang?
16 - Natalie Davis
Yeah. And it sucked.
17 - Scott Butki
I'm not going to touch that last two comments.
I wrote a story here once on santa venting about v-day.
18 - Victor Plenty
Hey, give me a break. I'm trying to learn how to fake sincerity. Someone told me chicks dig it.
19 - Eric Olsen
and that's the name of a band
20 - Eric Olsen
by the way, special dispensation on shaking your wang dang doodle all night long
21 - DJRadiohead
Finally some fuckin' culture around here. Willie Dixon references are always welcomed. Which do you prefer, EO: Koko Taylor's version or the Wolf?
22 - Eric Olsen
I heard Koko's first so it comes to my mind first, but the Wolf's a force of nature whose dang doodle was not to be denied
23 - Scott Butki
Eric, I dare you to phrase your compliment to your wife on v-day as you did it above:
" I love my wife and think she's all hot and stuff.
What a romantic!
I'm getting weak-kneed just reading it.
As a single guy i'm of two minds about the holiday. On the one hand its an ugly slap to the
face reminder that i'm alone and that sucks.
At the same time I don't have to buy a card
or chocolate or anything like that.
24 - Victor Plenty
Being single is no excuse. Buying cards and chocolates is still your duty, even if it means you must buy them for yourself.
25 - Matthew T. Sussman
Last year for Chelsea, I:
--Got a haircut
--Made tacos
--I'm pretty sure we also did it