In addition to the standard jobs training you associate with the Army — combat, computers, construction, engineering — we've added some new categories to spark the interest in contemporary young Americans.
Cheerleading
In addition to the standard 'yells', we'll train you in choreography, gymnastics, and the more complex 'pyramid' formations. You'll be well-prepared for a future in the CIA, the FBI, or the NFL. "Ready... OKAY!"
Dog Training
If you can wield a leash and say,
"Here boy!" — then call your recruiter today!
Mud Wrestling
Throughout our history, we've trained thousands of men and women in karate, tai kwan do, and jiu jitsu — and to that list of ancient Asian martial arts, we've added a new specialty that was specifically developed by Anglo-Americans in the United States. Believed to have originated in white-trash titty bars south of the Mason-Dixon Line, Mud Wrestling has quickly become a serious and honorable martial sport on Army bases in isolated locations around the globe. Part deadly martial art, and part ritualized, choreographed entertainment, this dynamic form of self-defense is a valid career path for any new Army Recruit, but especially well-endowed female soldiers. Want to serve your country? Get down and dirty in the New U.S. Army!
(Call for our free marketing video, "Spring Break: Soldiers Gone Wild!")
BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE!
...and then some!
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Article comments
— go to most recent comments1 - daddio
I get your point but how else are they going to get anyone to actually join. The desperate generation raised on violence and sex needs to be tricked into fighting a war that has no honor or reason.
2 - Eric Olsen
hilarious if a bit disingenuous, Shark. The military has been using the "blowing shit up is fun" angle explicitly and implicitly since the beginning of the all-volunteer military. Typically recruiting is actually up during times of conflict, although I don't know if this is holding true this time around.
3 - Distorted Angel
Apparently, it is not.
I love it, Shark.
4 - Shark
Daddio, I get your point. And those kids will quickly find out there are no "reset" or "new game" buttons to push in a real conflict. Once yer dead... well, game over.
DistortedAngel, thanks for the link:
EXCERPT:
Geez, let's hope they don't open up a "second front" in Iran.
Oh, wait, we've got nukes.
Nevermind.
5 - MCH
Sharky -
After seeing the "Cheerleading" photo, I couldn't help but think that perhaps the Army has finally stumbled across the successful bait to get our ch----en hawk buddy RJ (Bobby) Elliott to enlist...
6 - Roy Smith
Quoted from the original post:
During WWII there was a draft on. I wonder if the real benefit of a conscript army (versus the all-volunteer force) is that it is easier to field a force that remembers its humanity and remembers the American ideals that they are supposedly fighting to protect?As a (soon-to-be former) military officer, I (and a lot of my peers) would not be enthusiastic about having draftees in my unit. However, maybe having people who did not volunteer to be there serving is the only way to salvage any honor whatsoever during warfare (which can be described as culturally sanctioned mass murder, and is thus fundamentally immoral at some level).
7 - Shark
Roy: "I wonder if the real benefit of a conscript army (versus the all-volunteer force) is that it is easier to field a force that remembers its humanity and remembers the American ideals that they are supposedly fighting to protect?"
Wow. Could be. Quite an original thought, Roy. The 'variety' of personalities might have some value in that regard.
Although one has to wonder, then, if there is a single and/or similar type of personality shared by volunteers; I sorta doubt it. Don't people join for a variety of reasons -- the least of which is to see direct combat?
MCM - I think the "mud wrestling" aspect could up the number of volunteers -- although it's a hard sell to go to Iraq or Iran to see tits -- when Mardi Gras is happening right in New Awlins.
Either place, tho, I'd require a friggin' body glove just to touch anybody.
8 - Roy Smith
Having been both in the military and having worked a couple years in the civilian workforce, I can say that there is a MUCH wider variety of personalities, politics, and motivations outside the military than in it. Military members are not clones by any stretch of the imagination, but neither do they represent a full cross-section of society.
9 - SFC SKI
Roy, I can't believe you are trying to make a case for conscription using the military of WWII and at the same time ignoring the problems of a consript military in Vietnam.
10 - Sydney
This is brilliant Shark because it truly captures the insanity that is the American government and the media. I watch television and the news these days and I honestly feel like the America is gone fucking insane. There doesn’t seem to be a shred of honesty, just mounds and mounds of lies and rhetoric. So much, that the American people don't demand an apology or a resignation. Why is it Americans accept so much bullshit with out demanding the culprits suffer consequences?
There needs to be a movement towards letter-writing campaigns and real street level action. Like Fox news needs to be shut down somehow, or boycotted. Its soooooooo Destructive. AGHHh… you got me fired up.
But anyway, my point being that a post like this last one makes me feel so relieved. To know that some others see the insanity too...
By the way... RJ hasn't posted because he stopped reading your article half way thru and enlisted. He must have gotten caught up in the sheer deliciousness of it all.
11 - SFC SKI
BTW, blowing up shit IS fun!
P for plenty
12 - Shark
Sydney, I'm "brilliant"? Thanks. I prefer "hero", but I love you anyway ...and Al Barger hates you [heh].
And you're not alone. There are just under 50% of voting Americans who aren't buying the bullshit either.
Roy & PFC SKI, thanks for your comments; you guys often give me a tiny boost of optimism for the future.
========
Ski: "...blowing up shit IS fun!"
Yah, I know -- But dude, CREATING shit is even more rewarding.
Along with:
imagining,
inventing,
dreaming,
building,
nurturing,
growing,
teaching,
helping,
making...
(Okay. Okay. I know.
Real men don't...)
13 - Shark
Roy: "...Military members are not clones by any stretch of the imagination, but neither do they represent a full cross-section of society..."
But they probably do reflect overall trends in our society; trends toward coarseness, a lack of morals and manners, no knowledge of history, etc.(?)
I wonder if, in general, we've raised a generation (or two) of amoral motards...
And too much TV can't be helping.
These [isolated?] performances by our military so often resemble really bad Reality and TV Game Shows.
The Germans dehumanized the Jews and were able to do unimaginable things. They did it with almost a religious fervor based on a 'lofty goals' [in their eyes] for their cultural future.
Whereas it seems we're able to turn everything into a 'hoot'... like it's some frathouse activity that has no consequences beyond the immediate tickle we get:
I still submit that it should NEVER EVER be FUN to 'shoot' somebody -- and this blowhard Lt. General Mattis has done plenty to discredit American values in the international realm.
14 - SFC SKI
Well, Shark, I do a lot of creating and dreaming(about blowing shit up ;) )the 2 are not mutually exclusive within a person, and thanks for the Hallmark moment.
15 - Shark
re: The Hallmark Moment --
Damn. I must be gay!
Or it's my feminine side speaking.
Wow. If something like that happens too often to too many men... shit, we might not have any more wars...
What a loss.
16 - SFC SKI
Nope, it just means the troglodytes would invade the feng-shui correct villages of the others, kill them or enslave them, put their feet on the furniture, and wipe their faces on the tablecloths.
For all my time in Iraq, I never got to watch soldiers mud wrestle, nor did I get to humiliate and abuse detainees, should I feel cheated?
Something that does need to be looked at is that the mud-wrestling incident happened at a prison camp run by reserve soldiers called to active duty, the same situation as in Abu Ghraib. I think there has to be something there.
It could be the fact that soldiers assigned to both plaves not only work in a prison environment, they live there as well. There are 2 sets of prisoners in this type of environment, they are just on different sides of the bars. None of this excuse the abuses in Abu G, or the plain dumb-ass non-thinkng that led to this event, but it is pertinent.
17 - Eric Olsen
obviously, as Ski alludes to, the military is in no way monolithic: there are better and worse dicrcumstances, duties, details, training, levels of commitment, etc. This is simply reality. I agree there are politive egalitarian aspects of a conscripted military, but the negatives far outweigh the positives, especially for the military itself - why do you think the military opposed conscription?
18 - dietdoc
Sydney writes:
"Why is it Americans accept so much bullshit with out demanding the culprits suffer consequences?"
Reply: Information overload. Who can hear anything above the cacaphony? I think our ears and eyes are just numb.
19 - Eric Olsen
I am surprised that Sydney thinks the bullshit is confined to this particular administration and Fox News: the bullshit flows freely from every nook and cranny and from every direction. I think "bullshit" could also be called "perspective," "point of view" or "set of assumptions." It would appear that Fox News's set of assumptions and perspective simply doesn't coincide with your own. Do you think the millions who feel Fox News's set of assumptions DOES coincide with their own are stupid?
20 - JR
SFC SKI: Something that does need to be looked at is that the mud-wrestling incident happened at a prison camp run by reserve soldiers called to active duty, the same situation as in Abu Ghraib. I think there has to be something there.
I thought the reserves just weren't as well trained and disciplined as the standing army.
21 - Eric Olsen
which would have psychological ramifications as well, I would think
22 - Dave Nalle
I'm witth Sydney. The solution to all America's problems is to shut down the free press! Now let's see what other fundamental rights we can sacrifice to create his PC nation.
DAve
23 - Roy Smith
In reponse to Sydney (Comment 10):
Sydney writes: Like Fox news needs to be shut down somehow
Last I checked, we had freedom of the press. Yes, Fox broadcasts a lot of idiotic propaganda, but that is their right.
24 - SFC SKI
JR, I would not want to smear the NG or the reserves as a whole, because some of the most dedicated, hard working, and squared away units I worked with in Iraq were from the Guard and Reserve. It may be that this unit was less disciplined and had less oversight from above, and, too, many reservists work together in civilian life, there is a different level of familiarity there, for good and bad results. Last, some reserve units might have less of that military mindset, active duty military have a 24-7 atmosphere of professionalism and discipline to work within, and I mean that in a broad sense, and we accept a bit more of the need to maintain that image, whereas some, and I mean a very small amount of reservists, not being in that mindset all the time can be more likely to do things with a civilian mindset. I mean, some females were mud wrestling and one flashed a camera, no big deal in Daytona Beach or at Mardi Gras, of course, these soldiers were in Iraq and their actions represent the Army as a whole. Most Active duty soldiers would definitely think twice about doing what these reservists did, and I doubt it would have been approved in any case. I can understand some of what went on, after a year or more of being in a combat zone, these soldiers were finally going home, but they made some poor decisions in how to celebrate it.
Sydney" Like Fox news needs to be shut down somehow" I use that little button marked "OFF".
25 - jordan
Does anybody know the theme song to the new army reserve or nationa guard commercial! where the guy roars and then the guitar guy freaks out! please i need to know